We're friends now - but feelings linger

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
We're friends now - but feelings linger
2
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 3:26am
Hi all, I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy these past couple of weeks. I was SUPPOSED to get transferred as my way of "running" from my AOW ("A" for almost, I guess?) but instead my request was denied because they PROMOTED me to manager of another division. (Not moving cubes though.) How ironic is THAT?? Somehow, when my OW found out I requested a transfer, it did not seem to phase her at all, and this I suspect now was because she KNEW about my promotion coming. Not that there was any conspiracy here to keep me around, it was just office rumor that had been spreading. I may have seen signals that something was going on around me, but honestly my reward was quite a surprise - possibly because of all the emotions I was feeling at the time I disregarded any hint that I may be sticking around. All I wanted to do at the time was get out of there. Actually, I was slightly DEPRESSED when I found out - only because of the immediate stress I felt about still being around her.

Anyway, the two of us seem to have found a comfortable "medium" to our relationship. The cutesy e-mails have slowed, the lunches are less "flirty", the walk-bys are even sparse. We both know now that we WILL be seeing each other in the office "indefinitely" and so we have managed to "back off" the super-intense emotions that almost led us to a full blown A. We still go out for cigarette breaks (remember I don't smoke ;) and still do find comfort in talking to each other, but as for being "on the verge" of going out to dinner right after work and having "something" happen - well, that probably won't...for now.

The reason I am back is because I still need support. I DO feel less intense about her now, but sometimes, especially after a really good talk or lunch - I just want to BE with her like before. Then I resort to a list of "cold shower" fixes like calling my wife, talking to the kids, or digging deep into my work. It normally does the trick for me - but am I actually fooling myself? Am I still technically "in" something, even though it's still "nothing"?

When I initiated (partial) NC a few weeks ago, it hurt SO much, especially knowing that I was doing it RIGHT BEFORE just packing my bags and taking off. This, I was doing, to a "new friend" and someone I cared a lot for. After news came out that I was staying, I confess that it was ME that went over to her and gave her the news. She congratulated me and we had lunch. I guess that was my fault, my bad in breaking NC there. But it was also right there at that exact lunch that we seemed to have an immediate understanding: "Hey, we have to work together for a long time now. Let's not do anything that we'll regret." We didn't have to say the words, we just felt it. I am so glad I never opened my mouth to her about how I felt, and why I put in for the transfer.

I am hoping these "after shock" emotions will eventually subside, and I am using my "cold shower" trick to help things along - but I still kinda wonder if she's feeling these things too, and is also trying to "calm things down" in her mind, and heart. It is really a nice friendship to be in - at this level I wish everyone had one. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, or cautious, that somewhere in the deep regions of our emotions there still lurks a danger between us. One that could erupt if we ever had too much to drink together, or found ourselves alone with each other...and THIS I will continue to look out for, and avoid at all costs...


Faithful But Tempted

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I don't understand how you're avoiding an entanglement with this woman if you're still emailing, flirting, going for smoke breaks & walking by her desk for a chat. Am I misreading this post? So I'm confused. It sounds like you're still in a mess completely of your own making.

I realize you work together & some contact is inevitable & necessary but from the way I read this post, it sounds like you're having a lot of unecessary, non-professional contact. I hope this isn't harsh of me to say but it sounds like you're bound & determined to follow this through into whatever it can become.

I was in my A all the way for about 3 years so I'm not judging you, I know all the goodies you get from this but I also know there is NO good outcome. And you do too -- you're going into this eyes wide open and still doing all the things that lead to an affair, or just a big mess for your marriage AND at work. It sounds like you're VERY aware of all the downfalls for yourself, your potential OW, your family and yet you're still in it?

I'm not clear what you think you're doing with all the contact? When I finally did end my A (as lots of people here can also attest), the only thing that really worked was complete NC. And for you, that means all personal, intimate, non-work related contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

FTB, you're fooling yourself if you think you're going to createdistance between you, AOW, and your almost EMA.