Were you your true self?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Were you your true self?
12
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:22pm

Many times when reading on this board I hear people say that the "fog" is lifting. This has led me to my question..do you feel you were your true or authentic self in your A? For those of you that are married, I'd like to ask you (in addition) are you your true or authentic self in your M?

People sometimes describe an affair as a fantasy world. Do you view the "you" in the affair as the person you want to be or a person you don't even recognize as yourself?

I can honestly say that I believe I was the authentic me, even in my A. I get the sense though that many here feel differently. I also see it written many times (here on this board) that you don't miss the person but you miss the way they made you feel. I think about this a lot because one of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I truly believe this statement to be true. I guess I don't understand how saying you miss the way they made you feel is a way of getting over an A.

Sorry if this post became choppy but these were the things on my mind after reading so many posts on this board. Thanks for any input.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:53pm

Hi j9,

I think when most people talk about the "fantasy" when it comes to affairs, what they mean is, it's not REAL--it's not a relationship where two people live life together in the real world. It's a partnership based on betrayal, deceit and secrets, with the time actually spent together classified as "stolen moments." In other words, there is nothing good at the foundation of it all--it's like a skeleton of a relationship with no meat on its bones. So we fill in the holes and gaps with what-ifs, and maybes, and if onlys, and "somedays." We take the skeleton and make it a living, breathing thing . . . but we have to use our imaginations to do so, and therefore much of the "relationship" is lived out in our heads. Does that make sense?

As for me being authentic . . . well, yes and no. At the beginning, I (falsely) felt like I had such a "connection" with my AP that I could totally be myself because I was just so gosh darned comfortable with him.

Whatevah.

In reality, I'm a commitment-phobe--I'll be the first to admit it. And since he was already committed to someone else, he was "safe." I didn't have to worry about real commitment from him, which meant he felt safe, which meant I shared WAAYYY too much of myself with him. And I would say, yes, I shared much of me in an authentic way, as in, I at times really bared my soul to him.

As time went on, I learned like a good little Other Woman that in order to be accepted and loved and win my XAP's approval, I had to play by his rules, on his schedule, feel what he thought I should feel, and only act in accordance with his comfort level.

And there went any authenticity . . . then it just became out being who he wanted me to be so that he'd throw me those crumbs I'd become so accustomed to. That's when I really stared becoming a woman I didn't recognize anymore. Add to that the loss of integrity, honesty and dignity that always comes from being involved in an A, and I basically became a shell of my former self.

As for "missing the way he made me feel" . . . I do, I miss it. But that, too, was part of the fantasy. I didn't have an affair with my XAP. I had an A with the man I created in my mind--my "fantasy AP." I just used my XAP to base the fantasy ON. Meaning, I took any good qualities I saw in my XAP, magnified then times 100, overlooked and shrugged off the negative qualities (cheater, liar, manipulator, etc.) and focused on the feelings I associated with him.

Realizing it's the FEELINGS I miss, and not the person, helps me to see him for who he really is and takes him down off that pedestal I put him on. The truth is, my XAP made me feel infinitely more pain and hurt and sadness than he made me feel good . . . oh. my. gosh. The pain I experienced from his manipulation and lies and anger and jealousy and controlling behavior was terrible. Even this week, he was trying relentlessly to get a hold of me--blew up my phone with about 50 phone calls, a slew of texts and emails--all within about a 90 minute time period--not because he loved me, but because he was feeling out of control since I wouldn't respond.

Separating the "high" feelings of an A from the person associated with those feelings makes letting go of the person much easier. Those feelings weren't there because my AP was so incredible . . . they were there because I created a fantasy in my head of this amazing, once-in-a-lifetime love that was passionate and intimate and . . . oh, gag. The feelings stemmed from my beliefs about this "connection" we had (my fantasy).

Hope this makes sense :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 7:46am

Hi j9



Juliette said everythng I could have said and more!



Perfectly captured- thank you Juliette



Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:14am
I was my true self at that time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:42am

Juliette-

You stated:
In reality, I'm a commitment-phobe--I'll be the first to admit it. And since he was already committed to someone else, he was "safe." I didn't have to worry about real commitment from him, which meant he felt safe, which meant I shared WAAYYY too much of myself with him. And I would say, yes, I shared much of me in an authentic way, as in, I at times really bared my soul to him.

I wonder if I am a commitment phobe also? How does anyone really know if they are? And if you are, how do you change that behavior?

I liked your response and the skeleton analogy. You worded it perfectly. Much time is spent replaying things that happened with MM in my head. I try to look back and see if my memory was accurate or if I was writing a script. I think I am most guilty of
overlooking obvious problems. I definitely focused on his strengths and not his lackings.

Working on me is a full time job ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 9:34am

Juliette,



Your

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:11am
OMG Juliette, that post was the most targeted I have read in a really long time. It was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about affairs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:20am
Juliette, I'll chime in and say your post was awesome.

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:59am

Thanks, ladies . . . I know you all could have written the exact same things. Each one of our situations was unique in some way, the circumstances and people were different, yes--but at the end of the day, we've all experienced the dynamics and feelings and pain and insanity that comes with being the OW.

J9, you asked about "commitment phobia"--from the outside, most people wouldn't peg me as one. I was married to the same man for 20 years. I was faithful to him until the end, when we separated and I began to go down the A road. But here's what I've learned about myself through reading and counseling:

I'm scared to death of being abandoned. Petrified. My parents were both emotionally unavailable to me as a child, my dad was an alcoholic and abusive, and so I grew up feeling like I was so NOT worthy of love or relationship. If I was, my parents would have been there, right? Saying I love you, showing me affection, etc. There was NONE of that.

Once I got engaged to the man I married, I completely shut down. Emotionally, sexually--I walled myself off to him, basically. Here was a man telling me that I WAS worthy of love and relationship! I didn't know what to do with that--it felt weird and unfamiliar.

So once the feelings of infatuation wore off, I was staring at "forever" with this man who committed himself to me. But I shut down in order to protect myself . . . what if he left me? What if he died? What if he fell in love with someone else? What if, what if, what if? I couldn't commit to that--he might abandon me, and in order to feel like I was in control, I walled myself off and I lived for 20 years in a marriage with little to no emotional or physical intimacy.

BUT . . . I was always looking outside of my M for an emotional connection. I didn't have full-blown affairs, but I had them in my mind, all the time. There was always some man out there who I used to fantasize about, and that's where I found that "connection." In my fantasies. Because that's safe--I control my fantasies, they won't ever leave me.

I think I chose an affair in the end in order to pull me out of my marriage. And because being with a man who couldn't or wouldn't commit to me felt so very familiar. Damaging, painful, agonizing, futile, maddening--yes. But oddly comfortable and familiar. It mirrored everything I had felt as a child, trying desperately to get my father to love me. There were times I begged my XAP not to leave me--I mean, BEGGED. He was a master manipulator, and he knew when he'd threaten to leave, he would have all the control.

So . . . how do we change? I'll let you know :) That's what I'm trying to discover now. I do know that I will not be capable of a healthy relationship until I figure it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:00pm

J9S,



I haven't officially welcomed you to our community, so "Welcome." I read your response in the Roll Call thread and would like to thank you for sharing your story.



So, you asked: "do you feel you were your true or authentic self in your A?'



Juliette's response was spot on. I was definitely not being true to my inner core, as I loathed affairs and wasn't too fond of people who had them. Realizing that I had become one of those people (a late in life A), caused great emotional discord as the A continued. Lying, deceiving, and betraying another woman (and myself),

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 1:58pm

juliette, your post put years of reading EAS into one incredible message. Thanks.

Was I my true self? Well, yes and no. In the beginning more so a resounding no. But I did "introduce" myself to xAP over the first year. I know at times the real me was shining brightly and other times, I was the woman I thought he wanted me to be. But as time wore on, the real me emerged and I felt comfortable with that.

Spot on regarding the high feelings we lived off of during the affair. It took a long time before I got that. I went through a lot of angst and confusion because my emotions were so up and down. I can now see my struggles were because I so desperately wanted the "feelings" and the man to match up - they didn't. In the real world, xAP could never live up to my fantasy of who I thought and wanted him to be.

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