What is the #1 thing you did to get over
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What is the #1 thing you did to get over
| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:42pm |
I must say up front that I am really not ready to be here yet but I wanted to know from some of you who have beeen down this road already. What is the #1 thing you did to put your A behind you? I am not ready to and may not ever be ready to but I want to be somewhat armed in case I can and do one day. Thanks in advance for your help.

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I had to baby step my way to completely getting over it. Which I am now, but it has taken quite some time.
It's really hard at first, but worth every minute of it. To be "free" from the A is the best feeling in the world.
Luvin
Has anyone out there read "The Purpose-Driven Life?" I am not an overzealous Christian, but I accidentally stumbled upon a chapter of this book last night called "Defeating Temptation." It applied to my situation SO MUCH. The number one thing it said we need to remember is that we are not supposed to try to "resist" temptation -- because when you are busy "resisting" something, "fighting" something, it only reinforces your focus on the thing that is tempting you. Instead of resisting, try "redirecting." As in, find new, good things to focus on. Get the heck away from whatever is tempting you, fill up your time with positive things, and find someone to confide in about your struggles with temptation... Anyone who is at all religious, I highly recommend you read at least that chapter of this book.
If the marriage is bad enough to leave - he'll leave. If not, he's not going to and he shouldn't - they are married after all (and in my case had children).
Sorry to be so negative but honestly that is what keeps me from even wanting to talk to him!
starting with just wanting a better life - a whole life & maybe someday a whole relationship -- wanting to be free & open to that possibility (I was divorced when my A with an MM started)
reading & posting here
talking honestly with my friends who to a one encouraged me to break it off, without judging me or disapproving ME -- just lovingly *& firmly encouraging me to stop
reading self-help books & articles about affairs
forcing myself to date (single guys only)
weaning myself by getting busy (work, working out, my kids, my friends) so I wasn't as available to MM
taking a deep breath one Saturday afternoon, telling my MM I needed some time to myself; at first he was cool with it, but he began to react & freak out over it & for some reason that made me stronger & kept me going with the break, until I firmly stuck with NC. It took over 6 mos. for him to leave me alone.
That was over a year ago. I'm in a relationship now with a divorced dad. He's not my be all & end all. I like him a lot. I love him. Sometimes I float & sing. Sometimes we just wash the dishes together. It's not obsessive or crazy or traumatic. I can call him anytime I want. We're friends & lovers. We are part of each other's whole lives. It's not the insane passion of the affair; it's really nice.
For me, it wasn't one single thing -- I just kept building my support system internally & externally, until I was ready.
I have never regretted ending it for a single moment.
I hope you find YOUR way.
Clarice
i want to get over him. i am so lost and hurt. i get nervous and can't eat. i just want to know how to deal with this. please help.
I recommend you find a therapist to help you figure out why you got involved in this affair. You sound so lost that I really think it would help you alot to sort things out with someone objective that you can REALLY trust. If you have health insurance, they usually pay some part of it. Check it out. I used a therapist to help me end my 3 year affair and she saved me.
I also ... read lots of self-help books, read lots & posted lots here, MADE myself date single guys, spent lots of quality and quantity time with my children, focused more intensely on my work, decorated my home and worked out almost daily.
I'm also divorced -- almost 6 years now. The first year I was alone, the 2d-4th years in the affair. Now over a year out of the affair and a year into a relationship with a wonderful single guy. Your life can change for the better. My life is only a million times better than it was -- either married, divorced or in the affair. Yours can be too!
MMs are rats, period. They lie to us,they lie to their wives & children, and mostly they lie to themselves. There is mainly a big mess & lots of heartache in an affair. You deserve so much more.
Good luck!!
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