What is the #1 thing you did to get over

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
What is the #1 thing you did to get over
14
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:42pm
I must say up front that I am really not ready to be here yet but I wanted to know from some of you who have beeen down this road already. What is the #1 thing you did to put your A behind you? I am not ready to and may not ever be ready to but I want to be somewhat armed in case I can and do one day. Thanks in advance for your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 11:21am
I wish it had been so easy to list what was the #1 thing. There were so many steps that I had to take and it took so much more than I ever imaginged.

I had to baby step my way to completely getting over it. Which I am now, but it has taken quite some time.

It's really hard at first, but worth every minute of it. To be "free" from the A is the best feeling in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 12:49pm
I'm just at the beginning of this ... for the hundredth time though, so I don't know if this is even worth it, but what seems/seemed to help me is staying busy, working hard, working out hard. Keeping my mind occupied with numbers. I'm in sales and on commission and when I stay focused on my goals and my numbers my emotional side is kept on hold. Work out hard with your body. Get your body fit and trim and healthy and beautiful. I know I'm beautiful inside and out and that's a great feeling. Then along comes my MM/OM because he sees me like this not paying attention to him and he's attracted to me, my independence, my body (which is getting toner), my mindset and then I lose it all and turn to mush. So that's what I've done. Now, I've just go to work on withstanding his gorgeous brown long eyelash eyes that make me melt. I can do it ... just gotta keep going forward. Last month I made a killing in $$$ which enables me to be generous with my family and those I love. So that's what keeps me going.

Luvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 2:58pm
The #1 thing I did to help me was to find this board! No joke. I had never told ANYONE about my A or the struggle I had with the ending of it. To finally have somewhere to open up about it was the first step to liberation for me. I didn't realize how much I needed some support in order to move on. This place helped give me some direction to follow toward healing, whereas before I was pretty aimlessly flailing about trying to keep my head above water.

Has anyone out there read "The Purpose-Driven Life?" I am not an overzealous Christian, but I accidentally stumbled upon a chapter of this book last night called "Defeating Temptation." It applied to my situation SO MUCH. The number one thing it said we need to remember is that we are not supposed to try to "resist" temptation -- because when you are busy "resisting" something, "fighting" something, it only reinforces your focus on the thing that is tempting you. Instead of resisting, try "redirecting." As in, find new, good things to focus on. Get the heck away from whatever is tempting you, fill up your time with positive things, and find someone to confide in about your struggles with temptation... Anyone who is at all religious, I highly recommend you read at least that chapter of this book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:18pm
Someone innocently (had no clue about the affair)told me he had heard my xMM talking on his cell phone to his wife twice while out with him on the golf course and xMM seemed pretty "lovey dovey". Eventhough we had already stopped seeing each other at that point, I had to wonder how much of what he told me about being miserable in his marriage and not loving his wife was actually true. The fact is you never really know for sure- unless you are living in the same house. I would have sworn xmm was telling me the truth and loved me exclusively - he said it and acted like it - at least for a while. His reason for not leaving was always "100%" the kids. Just picturing xmm with wife is enough to make me not want to see him ever again. As sick as it makes you feel, keep that thought in your head when you are tempted to call or see him.

If the marriage is bad enough to leave - he'll leave. If not, he's not going to and he shouldn't - they are married after all (and in my case had children).

Sorry to be so negative but honestly that is what keeps me from even wanting to talk to him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:48pm
One thing I can think of is - no more lies nad crap from the OM. He can romance me with his emals but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. I am appalled at his lies. If you can see thru all the smokescreen, its a good thing to start with. This is not to say I am over him, but I care less and I am hoping that I will care even more less as the days progess. Here is to that happy thought!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:10pm
Thanks everyone! As I said I am not sure I can I want to end it but I have been thinking about it. We aren't imtimate so I wouldn't miss the sex.. lol. I am just becoming exhuasted. I feel like it is a lot of work. Trying to arrange schedules to see ecah other which end in disappointment if he gets called away for work which has happened the last 2 times we've tried to get together. MM is very attentive and that is what attracted me to this in the first place. But I am realizing I should be taking the time talking and emailing and planning and thinking about MM and put it towards my M. Plus I am starting to wonder if the effort I am putting into this equals what MM is?? OK so I sound tough but this is a passing moment. I will most likely wake up in the AM and feel totally different but It is amazing to me I can even write this! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 12:25am
hard to pin it down to just one -- it was a combination:

starting with just wanting a better life - a whole life & maybe someday a whole relationship -- wanting to be free & open to that possibility (I was divorced when my A with an MM started)

reading & posting here

talking honestly with my friends who to a one encouraged me to break it off, without judging me or disapproving ME -- just lovingly *& firmly encouraging me to stop

reading self-help books & articles about affairs

forcing myself to date (single guys only)

weaning myself by getting busy (work, working out, my kids, my friends) so I wasn't as available to MM

taking a deep breath one Saturday afternoon, telling my MM I needed some time to myself; at first he was cool with it, but he began to react & freak out over it & for some reason that made me stronger & kept me going with the break, until I firmly stuck with NC. It took over 6 mos. for him to leave me alone.

That was over a year ago. I'm in a relationship now with a divorced dad. He's not my be all & end all. I like him a lot. I love him. Sometimes I float & sing. Sometimes we just wash the dishes together. It's not obsessive or crazy or traumatic. I can call him anytime I want. We're friends & lovers. We are part of each other's whole lives. It's not the insane passion of the affair; it's really nice.

For me, it wasn't one single thing -- I just kept building my support system internally & externally, until I was ready.

I have never regretted ending it for a single moment.

I hope you find YOUR way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:51pm
there is no #1 thing. each step is equally important and equally hard. prepare yourself for a difficult time. it's very hard.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:43pm
i have been reading these messages. i am currently still having an A with a MM. i am divorced for a long time now. i need help. my MM is really not into this anymore, although he says he wants to still see each other WHEN he can. his actions shows otherwise. he doesn't call when he says he will and it hurts to admit it but he doesn't feel the same way for me ( at least what i see).

i want to get over him. i am so lost and hurt. i get nervous and can't eat. i just want to know how to deal with this. please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:06am
Boy do I hear your pain. It's like being 13 and your little boy friend is starting to call your best friend instead of you. You feel so dumb & rejected & hurt so bad. I guess whatever your age, that hurt just doesn't stop.

I recommend you find a therapist to help you figure out why you got involved in this affair. You sound so lost that I really think it would help you alot to sort things out with someone objective that you can REALLY trust. If you have health insurance, they usually pay some part of it. Check it out. I used a therapist to help me end my 3 year affair and she saved me.

I also ... read lots of self-help books, read lots & posted lots here, MADE myself date single guys, spent lots of quality and quantity time with my children, focused more intensely on my work, decorated my home and worked out almost daily.

I'm also divorced -- almost 6 years now. The first year I was alone, the 2d-4th years in the affair. Now over a year out of the affair and a year into a relationship with a wonderful single guy. Your life can change for the better. My life is only a million times better than it was -- either married, divorced or in the affair. Yours can be too!

MMs are rats, period. They lie to us,they lie to their wives & children, and mostly they lie to themselves. There is mainly a big mess & lots of heartache in an affair. You deserve so much more.

Good luck!!

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