What am I to DO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
What am I to DO?
7
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:53pm
I'm in dire need of some encouragement here...

I've been in an A for the last 15 months; most of that has been NC; I've told the MM on several different occasions that I cannot handle him being M, I don't like being the OW, not one bit. Each time, though, we've reconnected b/c I miss him; he's been the one to re-establish contact and, stupid me, I let him, only to let those overpowering feelings of loneliness, guilt and frustration cause me to end it again.

Our last conversation was about 6 weeks ago. I told him I might be comfortable with us just being 'friends'; that is, we could call one another and chat every now and then, but we shouldn't have any contact in person. Just be like friends checking up on one another every now and then...

I was quite sad not to hear from him during that time, though. I thought for sure I'd hear from him around 9/11 since he's called me around that time for the past two years; the first year after the attacks we weren't even in the A; ( We had met through a work-related relationship) he just called to tell me he was thinking about me and that he MISSED me. Last year, he called around 9/11, after we had ended contact some weeks before. We got back together for a short time after that. Then the same old conversation...

Today he called and left a message on my voice mail at work. It seemed to me that he was just calling to "check in" to see how I was doing, nothing more. Just like "friends". He said he'd call again sometime later. I didn't think he'd try again tonight; he called me at home. I couldn't answer. I don't know what to say to him.

I know in my gut I should avoid him at all costs. I thought I could handle being "just friends". But I know that my feelings for him run much, much deeper than that. I want a REAL relationship with this man, and I'm sure he is unwilling or unable to end his M. But I can't cope with being the OW.

OMG; he's trying to call me this very minute...

But, I must say, there's something a bit empowering about not answering his calls. It's killing me to not talk with him. But I think it kills me more to know I'll probably never be WITH him, in a real relationship that we don't have to hide from family and friends.


When we first started this A, I wanted to shout to the world that I was in LOVE with him. He has told me he loves me. He's made no secret of his affection for me. But he doesn't seem able to let go of his M. I don't fault him for that; there are two DC involved. However, his W was found to have her own brief EMA late last year. They went to counseling for only a few sessions; he did not admit his EMA and told me he doesn't plan to. One of my g/f's (the only one who knows about us) thinks he's using the W's EMA as leverage to get out of the M. I dont' want to read to much into it. I wish it could be true, but there's no way of knowing, unless I take his calls and ask him point blank. Somehow, something tells me I won't like his answer. (He did tell me he thought of calling me shortly after he found out about her EMA, but didn't want to start up with me in case they reconciled.)

So, for all intents and purposes, this A is over, as far as I'm concerned. I've tried to move on, tried to get him off my mind. I've tried to refocus my attentions elsewhere; When I see some other guy I think might be interesting, I smile, try to flirt, but it seems to be that I'm wearing a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak. This MM acts totally smitten by me like no man I've ever known has.

Is fate cruel, or what?

Like I said, I need some encouragement here. Help me stay on the straight and narrow. Tell me I have no future with him. Tell me I'll find true love in someone who actually IS available. Tell me I'm doing the right thing by not taking his calls. I'll believe it the more I hear it.

Also, tell me I'll get over this eventually. B/C as it stands right now, this is the love of my life and I have to let him go.

Anxiously awaiting your replies...

Graceless



Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:11am
read my reply below (#10) to "Ending long term affairs" in the Single Women/Married Men section.

I ended a 3 plus year affair with an MM 18 mos. ago because I knew there was nowhere good for the Affair to go. My life has gotten better every single day since I ended the affair and I was also passionately in love with my MM. It's not enough to feel love and passion if you don't get all the rest of it. the intimacy, the family connections, the growth that only comes with sharing your life with another person.

you can do this. it takes work, but like anything truly worth having, it's worth working for.

that total devotion we get from MM is phony, needsgrace. It's not real. it's need and desperation and manipulation. I know it feels good, but it feels good like alcohol or drugs or any other addiction -- it feels good in the moment but then you look around and realize, this man loves me but he lives with another woman? he loves me but another woman wears his ring, raises his children, lives in his home. he LOVES ME but the community sees him with HER.

this "love of your life" this "soul mate" of yours is a man who lies to his W, lies to his children every minute that he's with you. this "wonderful" man is giving you his time and affection and emotional energy, after he promised his wife that he would love, honor and cherish her 'til death.

He is a liar and a cheat and when you see what's really there, it's just not good enough.

that ain't love sweetie. love is shouting from the rooftops if you want. but you don't have to because you are there with him for all the world to see.

you deserve better - pure and simple. and that's what your life can be -- pure and simple once you get free from the affair.

NC works because it gives you the time and space and emotional distance you need to see clearly and make wise choices for your life. If you don't believe it, just give it a real honest try.

Good luck!! I hope the best for you!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:15am
I admire that you are ending the A. I know it is hard to end a relationship with someone (even if it is was an A)

I posted some ?'s about being the other women.. here's the post:

Just a question - I am not judging any of you at all -

Why do women choose to be the "other woman"?

Why would you want to share your man with his wife and only have him part-time.

Do you want him to leave his wife or not?

If you do want him to leave his wife, why do some women wait years and years and the married man still is with his wife? Isn't it pretty clear that if hasn't left his wife after years even though he says he is sooo unhappy with her, that he never will leave.

If he did leave his wife, and moved in with you or even married you, how could you trust him? wouldn't you be worried that now that you moved into the wife's shoes, he is going to have to find a replacement OW?

I just don't understand the attraction to a man who is taken and can't give you his all...

It's seem like a self-defeating approach to love.

--**** this was just a general post about being the other woman. You deserve so much better! Like my questions bring up - how could you ever trust him if you ended up with him? And much more time do you want to invest in this?? what if he never leaves her? then what?

You should move on - which you are doing now - and you will find the right person.

I was in a relationship for 4 years that I knew deep down it would not work (he wasnt married but we had lots of problems) finally I got rid of him a year ago in july, and then december of 2003 I met the love of my life. If I would have held onto the bad relationship, I would have never met my man who I got married to May 2004.

It hurts to end a relationship - but I think the best thing to do is to not talk again, not even as friends. As long as you have contact, there's always a chance that the "friendship" will go back to being intimate and then you will have to start all over again.

Spend time with friends, find a hobby if you don't already have one, join a dating service or have friends hook you up. Find that there are available honest men out there.





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:18am
Thank you for your reply. I wil be reading that over and over until it really sinks in. You're absolutley right.

With Much Appreciation,

Grace Recovering....

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:24am
I like the idea of just changing your post-name to "gracerecovering". I was "foolforlove" when I first started posting here. One of my "sisters" on the board encouraged me to change my name to something more forward looking.

I think little things like that really do help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:24am

I've re-read this a few times already.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:22am
I'm sorry for your pain. I just ended mine as well and it's all so raw and new. The NC is very hard. I can see why it has to be but I am so tempted. I have to keep reminding myself of all the bad memories and hurts that SO out-number the good ones-how he never acknowledged my birthday last year, the time I e-mailed him that I was in a car accident and he didn't respond....(said he thought it was just a fender-bender! well, so what???)

It happens that he's going on vacations for a few weeks and never would have contacted me during that time anyway (can't send a simple e-mail when you're busy having fun) so I'm hoping that when he gets back the urge to contact him has subsided. What I did yesterday when I wanted to e-mail him, I wrote it, saved it as a draft and then thought about it for a while. When I came back, I deleted it and I was glad I did. A baby step for me, the only way I can do this. Keeping busy helps too. I work from home and the lure of the computer is awful, I come on under the guise of working and end up wasting hours looking for him. But I visit this board alot-if I'm going to sit on the computer, at least it's time better spent. I'm learning alot from the posters and slowly (very) finding my way. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:16pm
I wish you strength to keep refocused on other things in your life. I know it's a struggle!

I've realized that in the last 42 days since I have not heard from him that I spent a lot of time pining away for my "friend" to call me. Imagining my "friend" in different aspects of his life; was he on speaking terms with his W? Are they intimate? What's he doing with his kids? Is he thinking of me AT ALL?

What torture!

I don't spend all that energy thinking about my other friends. (Of course, I never spent any time staring lovingly into their eyes or aching for the next time I could just touch them...)

I don't know what I'm going to say to him when he calls again. i purposely did not answer the phone last night. But I wonder if I should keep avoiding him, or answer when he calls again and tell him...what exactly?

Every time I'd ended it before, or thought I had ended it, the words came out of my mouth surprisingly without much hesitation; it's like ... I knew what we were doing was wrong, and God was helping me speak. So, I guess I'll just have to wait until that time arrives, rather than go over and over it in my head. Doing THAT is just as tortuous as thinking about him in his M.

I've found this message board has helped a lot, especially hearing from people who've been there and can offer some objective advice. I initially went to the Affair Support board, I think to look for some sort of hope that MM and I would evnetually work out. But that is the wrong thing to hope for. As a previous post points out, how could you actually trust him? What makes you think everything will be so great once you're together? Well, that's what I keep telling myself.

If it's meant to be, fine. But I don't want to be the one who is the catalyst to a D. At least not the main reason.

I still have this little ray of hope for us, but I'm trying my best to squelch even that. I really need to move on. We all deserve better than that Part-Time relationship deal. I honestly think each day with NC will make you stronger and stronger. Prayer has helped me, if you're into that. But I've noticed that praying to get what it is I think I want will never be heeded. Instead, I've tried to ask for strength and peace of mind to end the A. I truly believe God knows my heart, knows I'm sincere and will answer my prayer, possibly in a way I hadn't even thought of, but it will be far better than the agony I've been through lately. Time to trust Him to let good into your life, and to stop trusting the MM. He's a lying cheat, anyway!

Sorry to be so preachy and long here; This is my therapy, I guess.

Take care, all


Grace