what are we really in love with?
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:42pm |
As I stated in another post, there was a Oprah segment not too long ago with about 10 married men who had been involved in EMAs and they were being open and honest about their affairs. I thought it was VERY insightful and good. I didn't feel like killing all of them like I normally would LOL but respected that they were owning up to what they did and felt - even admitting to still caring for their exEMA partner. One thing they did say was how most men that get involved in As and EMAs do so because of the way the OW/MW makes them feel about themself. One man's wife even said "when I saw her I thought 'well she's nothing special'" and it's true... very rarely does a cheating man get involved with another woman because she's all that... it's because (as I did) we treat the OM/MM like he is the end all beat all... we are SO enamored with him... and then he feels like more of a man and shows us attention so we'll continue to treat him with this great King-like treatment thinking he's showing us attention because he's interested in US. We are falling more and more for him because we feel like he's falling more and more for us... when he's actually just feeling more and more like he's the man.
And as CGU mentions in her message here:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=16067.4&ctx=0
"Then one day I realized that even though I missed the good times we once shared, I really didn't miss HIM much anymore..."
Sometimes I think women might be doing the same thing... we aren't so much crazy about the man we are involved with (per se) what we are really crazy about is that someone is interested in us and seems to want to be around us and do things with us and really enjoys our body and the things we are doing to him... when in reality he's only doing those things for what he gets back.
So, it's like this vicious and very erroneous, distorted and fallacious cicle. It's kinda sick actually when you think about it.
Just FYI :p ROTFL

Couldn't agree more. The only reason I got involved with XMM in the first place was because of how special I felt I must be for him to be singling me out. He told me, "I love the way I feel in the way you look at me". Both parties are getting what they want and it bothers me that some women feel "used" after an affair ends. That is something I won't allow myself to think or feel because we were both "using" each other for whatever it was that made us feel good.
In turn, once I wasn't feeling quite so special anymore, the A no longer held for me what I needed to get from it. He was still getting what he wanted from it, because of the way I behaved..for example, my jealously and being very territorial, made him feel like he was all that. As I'm feeding his ego, my plummetted to an all time low.
Here's an interesting piece of my fantasy history that I recently began looking at as to why I am so captivated by a man that makes me think I'm so special. From the time I was pre-teen, I would fantasize about being abducted by someone who was a stranger to me, but I was no stranger to him..meaning that he had a fixation on me and ONLY me, and took me for his. There's alot to be said for this reoccuring fantasy I had from early on. I never had the fairytale fantasies like some young girls of being crazy in love and marrying some prince charming. For me, I wanted someone so totally into me, that he would go through great lengths to have me. No one else would do. I believe that's why I've had 2 A's, both generated by men who had these similar traits..only thing is, in real life, the way in which they made me feel special at first, comes to an end...and those men in my fantasies, don't exist in real life. I'm only "special" until someone else better turns their head. Something that never happened in my little fantasy world.
Pup,
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I couldn't agree with you more. Every woman knows going into an A that there can be no good outcome. Sooner or later there will be painful consequences. The tendency (and I've been just as guilty) is to vilify the MM as some dark force of evil (although in my case it was true) OK, OK, I'll stop now ;)
Seriously though, we all MUST take blame for our own actions, otherwise we will get eaten up by the bitterness and the healing process will be all the more dragged out. Sure, they may have said "I love you" and left out the important part, "as long as I am having sex with you." But hey, weren't WE cheaters and liars also? You play with fire, you get burned. A simple fact of life that our mothers taught us when we were toddlers. Too bad most of us had to learn the hard way. We have no one to blame but ourselves for that.
You also said,
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Amen to that sistah. And the really funny thing was, even though staying with him made me feel beat down, one reason I stuck around for so long was that I was afraid to hurt him. Ha! I was seriously committing emotional suicide and causing much damage my mind, body and spirit by doing so. It feels great to feel great again. Sure, there are still some bad days, but not nearly as many as there were when I was stuck in the A muck.
And we called it love. Things that make you go hmmmmm.....
Oh Depressed - I am so happy to hear that! I tend to say too much and be too honest sometimes... but it's all worth it when I see someone is benefiting from it!
Be sure and check this one out to...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=16074.1
it sure helped me to see everyone else adding things that I'd thought were specific to MY A and yet other's had experienced them too... seems my A wasn't as "special and unique" as I'd thought! :(
Hang in there - and POST!!!!
XOXO