what is the best way to end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
what is the best way to end it?
12
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 11:11am

Is it best to:

(1)End the affair by having a discussion with the affair partner? I fear the risk of going this route is that I will start to become very emotional (i.e., start crying) and that I really won't get everything said in the right way. There can always be so much misinterpretation in this case.

(2)End the affair by simply "riding off into the sunset"? There is a point in time (at the end of May) when we won't be in constant contact, and I am thinking of just letting it go at that point. Enjoying our time together until then, but no discussion, per se, about ending it.

Thank you for any input.

Birdie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 12:26pm

"Best" way? I believe it is by acting and speaking in a manner that you know to be truthful and at the same time from a position of self-respect. A in able to look in the mirror at yourself and know you have ended living a lie.


Speak up and be forthright. An affair is a one-sided dead-end relationship and you need to be out in the open living an honest life. It's not about whether or not you love him or he loves you. Rather, do you love yourself enough to have how you live be an example for anyone you meet.? Do you live a life of integrity? You already know the answer. Now live your life accordingly.


That's how I ended my last affair. Only took me 17 years to get there. I sure hope it doesn't take you that long....


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:49pm

Maybe there's not ONE way that's right for everyone. I can only speak for myself and my OM, and how we ended it. It's only been a week but I think it was as kind and decent a way as could have happened. I'm the married one. OM is single. We've been involved for nine months. The guilt has bothered me from the beginning, but more so as the months went by. Finally, I knew I couldn't keep doing it. I didn't know HOW to get out. So I started telling OM over the last few weeks that this was really tearing me up inside. It was something I'd never done before. Reality had set in. He finally was the one who said we needed to end it.

We had skirted around it for a long time so I think we were both relieved to finally make the decision. We thanked each other for the memories and what we had shared. We apologized to each other (and FORGAVE) the pain we caused in each other's life.

We knew we were going to miss each other terribly so we set the parameters for future contact. We decided we could contact each other by phone if either of us got desperate. If that happened we'd comfort each other over the phone, but we would NOT go back into the affair. We'd tell each other to be strong. We know we will probably run into each other socially from time to time. When that happens we will chat as friends but nothing more.

He is free to date anyone he wants. However, we have the understanding that if we're both free someday, we WILL look each other up. The only way we'll ever be together in the future is if we are both single and in an honest, open relationship. No sneaking around ever again. That is our agreement and pledge to each other.

None of this makes it hurt any less. I miss him so much! I'll always care for him, but I don't want to be in an affair ever again. Under the circumstances I think we had a good break-up, if there is such a thing. At least as good of one as possible.

I hope you find the right answers for yourself. I have bookmarked an article, called "Ending a Relationship Gracefully" by Robert Torrey. It recommends breaking up face-to-face, and not leaving the other person dangling or confused. I thought it was very good. I don't know how to do links so I'll just write the site address here and hope it works. (Btw, to the Cl-nre, if this violates the TOS for any reason, please remove it.) Here it is: http://ezinearticles.com Hope it helps. Good luck and best wishes to you...

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:01pm

Sorry. Link doesn't work right. It just connects to the index but not to the article. I've tried searching for the article but can't find it yet from the index. There IS an article under "relationships" (#52) that is titled, "Ending Relationships Gracefully" but it's by another author. It's not the one I have bookmarked. I'll keep looking...

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 10:51am

I chose a variation on option #2.

I still keep in contact with OM. However, nothing sexual for several months now! I just stopped meeting him to go to hotels! Now, if I see him, it's a hug and a peck on the cheek. Like I do with other friends. But we seldom see each other...mostly E-mail jokes and "whats up?" type of emails.

I must say, my situation is different though! I was friends with OM for many years and we are of the same mindset. We always said that if the affair fizzled, we'd just be friends again.

I know, I'm weird...

But happier now....

(Side note to MeFreeNow: Free, My marriage is really getting better now!)

Cherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 6:27pm

Cherry,

Thanks for your response. I am curious about your "break-up" or ending of your affair. You see, MM and I (I'm also married) were platonic friends for several years before we started the affair. During the affair, we both agreed that the worst thing we could lose was our friendship. The one problem we have with continuing to be friends is that his wife will not stand for that. She is suspicious, and even before we started the affair, I guess she was a jealous person, too. So, even if we remain friends, I'm afraid there is going to have to be some amount of deception in that also due to his wife.

You say you're happier now. Is that because you still have contact with your OM?

Birdie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 7:21pm

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

but um, perhaps she had really good intuition as well, or you guys flirted alot, or whatever...truth is...whatever her inspiration for the insecurities or jealousies that she did have...came true didn't it? "Due to his wife"...i find that an interesting phrase. It is also due to your and your exMM's past behavior ..don't forget.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 12:22pm

No, Im not happier because I still have contact with OM.

I am happier because I am being true to ME and my DH. Don't get me wrong, there is happiness in staying friends with OM, but it is becasue it is on more noble terms. We are truly friends and there is nothing sexual going on anymore.

My situation is DEFINITLY not the norm. 90% of the time, NC it the way to go! If OM tries to re-establish a sexual realtionship, I will have no choice but to go the NC route.

But for now, things are peachy....

Cherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 5:09pm
Cherry, When you are talking/meeting with OM do you talk about anything or say anything which you would not talk about or say if H were to be there? Another way of putting the question is do you still have an emotional A?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 5:11pm

birdie,

just ride into the sunset !!!!!!!

No Contact after that

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:36pm

Cherry

Glad to here that things are going good with you and hubby...KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Free

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