What an A can do to your life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
What an A can do to your life
24
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:23pm
Hello All,

I posted twice on this board before, but now it's time for me to tell everyone what this whole A has done to my life:

My A only lasted for about 3 months, and yet my life is falling apart.

I ended it twice already. First time the NC lasted for 1 day, until xMM called me a day later, said how much he missed me and there we were again, back in each others arms the next day.

This lasted for 2 weeks after the first break up, until I broke off the A again. This was last Friday and since then my life has went down the drain.

1. I cry ALL the time, at work, at home, in the shower, etc.

2. I booked a session with a counselor, because I can't take it anymore.

3. I push my H away. I don't even have a desire to make love to him anymore.

4. I got pregnant by xMM and terminated the pregnancy.

5. I have had suidical thoughts.

6. I stopped doing house work, i.e. cleaning, cooking even taking care of our puppy (my H is doing all this now).

7. I have no interest in anything anymore.

8. I eat less, sleep less...

9. Stopped watching TV, my favorite shows, etc.

10. I stare at my cell phone ALL DAY LONG, hoping that maybe xMM will call me.

11. At one point I even thought about getting pregnant again, with my H this time, so that I can get mind off of xMM, but I know that would be the wrong reason to have a baby.

12. I stopped shopping, which is unheard of. I LOVED shopping, but now, I don't even want to leave the house.

13. I stopped smiling, which is also unheard of. My nickname "used" to be smiley, because I smile constantly. Now I am always sad :(


Should I go on with my list??????? I don't even know if counseling will help me at this point. And I know I will be put on some sort of anti-depressant medication which I am so not looking forward to.

I feel so alone in this. I feel as if I am the only one going through such a major crisis. Like I said before, my A only lasted 3 months and yet I feel like 10 years of pain just fell on my shoulders.

Please help!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:32pm
Sad,

I feel your pain. I could have written half of your list. Now I am left with my life in a shambles, H wanting a D and all for what???????

Hang in there and I hope that counseling does help you, I have been to 2 sessions and then last night with H, I know if I hang in there long enough I will pull thru whatever happens, but already I see myself relying on my counselor and looking forward to my next session. Everything looks bleak but maybe one day there will be light.

Sending you great big hugs.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:34pm
Sad, is it possible there's more going on here than meets the eye? Honestly? Because honey, it sounds to me like you need to get some professional help. It's not good for anyone to be feeling what you describe in your post. I know that your heart is broken and you feel like life will never be worth living without him, but just remember that people live and flourish thru all sorts of really horribly difficult events without feeling quite as badly as you describe.

If you honestly have lost interest in living, please, please, see that as a red flag and get some help. Not to belittle the very real pain you're living with, but people bury children, lose best friends and spouses, hit financial skids, have their houses foreclosed on, battle cancer, etc. and manage to go on somehow. If the darkness doesn't begin to lift shortly, will you promise to get some professional help???? We don't want you to live this way... Hang in there and keep posting. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:37pm
The one thing this board is great for is reminding us all that we are NOT alone!!

You are definitely depressed, and it is very smart and brave of you to have taken the step to make a counseling appointment. There is NOTHING wrong with taking anti-depressant medication when you are experiencing depression. I don't know what kind of counselor you are seeing, but you may need a medical doctor for this. Please don't delay in seeking treatment!

Sadgirl, you are not alone; we care about you. Please do what you can to help yourself, and let us know how we can help you. Eventually I want to see your screen name change to Smiley girl! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:08pm
First of all big hugs!

You say that your A lasted 3m. Imagine how devestated you would feel if it had lasted for three years? I count my lucky stars everyday that I got out (like you) afer 3m. Before anything else went wrong.

Breaking up with someone is hard enough as it is. A termination on top of that must be so hard.

Just remember that you survived many years before OM came along and you WILL survive many more without him.

You've been through alot these past 3m and you should really try and take care of yourself. Every-one makes mistakes we are all human. Take care of yourself, find things to make you smile and take one day at a time. When you are really down, please remember that the only way left to go, is up.

You will get through this, I promise.

m x.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:21pm
Thanks for the encouraging words. I can't stop crying. The hardest part about all this, is that I think about xMM ALL THE TIME. More than I think about my H. H doesn't know about my A, however, he sees that something is wrong with me. I just terminated a pregnancy by xMM on Monday, so my H thinks I am crying because of that. H thinks it was his baby, but only I know it wasn't.

My H is such a good man, that any woman would die to have a H like him. He tells he loves me every single day, he does everything for me, you name it. But I still had this A and I don't know why.

I booked a session with a counselor for next Tuesday. I called every tel# from the Yellow Pages and most #'s were either disconnected, or answering machines picked up. I finally got a hold of a woman counselor. She said she only does counseling on Tuesdays. I thought that was a bit weird, but since she was the only available person I could get a hold of, I booked the session.

I know I will be put on anti-depressant pills, because I am going through a VERY tough time right now.

Plus, what's really hard is that a lot of the answers I get from people in reference to my other postings is that this is all just lust I felt for xMM and NOT love. Somehow I find that hard to believe. I have't cried like this since I broke up with my first love which was many many years ago. To me it IS love. Maybe xMM didn't love me, but I sure love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 8:41pm
Sad,

I'm crying now after reading your posts. I have been there too. I cried for weeks after XOM and I broke up. My H is also an amazing man who knows nothing about my A. This board has been my saving grace. I still cry and it is still hard. XOM and I were together for 4 months and have been apart for almost 3 months now. I still think about him every day, but it does get easier. Don't let anyone tell you how you feel. Only YOU know what emotions YOU feel. I too had others tell me it was just lust or fantasy - it wasn't. PLEASE post here often and know that you are not alone.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:17pm
hi there Sadgirl--

I have been reading your posts now for a couple weeks and I think it's time for you to have some happiness sent your way! No one should feel so sad, and I hope that you find your way to a more peaceful place very soon.

You certainly sound like you are experiencing some depression...I will get back to that in a second.

Be choosy in selecting a counselor or therapist--there are some very good ones out there and some very bad ones too. Try to get a reference from someone who knows something about the person you are about to see. After all you have been through you DO NOT want to get sucked into some wacko therapist. A counselor or therapist will not be able to prescribe meds for you, so you will want to find out with whom she is associated -- a medical doctor to whom she refers her patients when she thinks they need meds (she can't diagnose without a medical license). Before Tuesday, there may be some other places for you to check out. Here are some suggestions:

1. Your workplace or your H's may have an Employee Assistance Program--if so, use it. These programs are free and confidential, and the (usually masters-level) counselors can refer you to other professionals if necessary. I work in HR and am familiar with these programs--they are a wonderful employee benefit.

2. If you have health insurance, many times your plan will list mental health providers that are covered under your plan. Find out if you have access to such a list.

3. Call your local United Way or your local Information and Referral service for some names. Other places to call: local church or synagogue (even if you don't belong, you may have some luck).

4. Some communities have Nurse referral lines -- they are used for health care advice and other things, but you can also ask for referrals to mental health providers. Find out if your local hospital or group clinic offers this service.

Back to the depression...you sound so sad that it seems like there must be something that was going on with you before the A. It sounds like the A has been the last straw -- the end of it has put you over the edge. My guess is that you have had some other underlying issues in your life to cause you to take this kind of plunge (of course the abortion has probably caused some addional turmoil, which of course you didn't need--I am pro-choice, so I am not judging, but no matter what your stance on this issue, it's a tough thing to go through). You are to be commended for making the commitment to see a counselor--I am proud of you!!!!

PLEASE follow through with the counseling so you can make peace with the things that have set you back. Life is good!!! You are just at a low point and it's understandably hard to manage right now with no one to talk it through with. You need to bring yourself back to the state of mind where you believe that life is good and you feel at peace. I am anxious to hear how you do with all this.

Blessings and happy thoughts to you :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:30am
Dear Sadgirl,

I am no expert at giving advice but I can give you insight based upon the experiences I've had with my 6 yr. affair which has come to an end.

You have only been involved with OMM for a few months. That is plenty enough time to get you emotionally involved hook, line and sinker. I remember once early on in my A when he didn't call me for about 4 days and I was totally distraught. My sister called me and I was crying...telling her that I couldn't talk. I could not function, I could not talk to friends, I could not make dinner, clean the house, work out....I was incapacitated.....you get the picture.

I was so totally swept up into the relationship that I thought MY world revolved around HIS. I thought that way for a very long time. I confessed the A to my husband once about 3 1/2 yrs. ago and tried to end it. I was so depressed that I went to a therapist to try to get over it. Unfortunately the therapist wanted to start on my childhood which was another whole can of worms so I stopped going. It was not too long before I was sucked back into the A again.

It's now been 6 1/2 yrs since we started this whole mess. It's taken me THIS long to discover that the OMM is nothing but a self centered ass Ho*e. I hung in with him through his wife's planned pregnancy (1.5 yrs. without physical contact) and he ends the relationship because I failed to call him back ONCE.

I do know the desperation you feel because I have been there. Try to fast forward your life to 6 yrs. later into the affair, where I am now. The OMM, as most are....is a self centered son of a b***ch. He can go weeks without calling or emailing you but lord forbid YOU go one day and not return HIS call.

He is indifferent towards me now, he asks me how I am and if I tell him about all the troubles I've been having I can pretty much hear him snoring on the other end. He cares nothing about ME, only HIS needs. They are all the same sorry to say. Your OMM in reality cares nothing for you as a person, only what you can give him.....temporary physical gratification. The only time my XMM has any interest in talking to me is if we can talk about all the things he wants me to do to him in a sexual way. No thanks!

I do know that nothing I have said will wash away your pain, it wouldn't have in my case years ago. Now, many years later I am just so tired of his BS that I have to consider my pride, my self worth, my husband and family. I've gotten to the point of no return. He's still trying to act like it hasn't ended but so far I have been able to keep a proper perspective and reject his advances.

Best of wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 8:59am
Hello Sadgirl

I can tell you that at this point in your life you have all the serious signs of depression, You need counseling to help you get through the emotions you are experiencing. You do not need to take any drugs to get you through this if not wanted. But you need someone to help guide you through this stage. My father suffered from depression for years, I saw what it did to him. Please, Please, Please, get some help for yourself. I am here for you if you would like to talk. Not a professional but I see all the signs you have are serious.

Take Care of yourself, dont let OM do this to you, you are and will be who you used to be before. What does not kill us makes us stronger. The good man upstairs always has a challenge for us in life. It is up to you to battle this one. Please get help.

Here for you, Please check in and let me know how you are doing.

Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:07pm
To All The Wonderful Supporters,

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your encouraging words.

I am going through such a rough time in my life right now, that yes at one point I thought about suicide. Although I would never do it, because I know what that would do to my H and my family.

This is what happened to me since I last posted. I have been crying a lot and since I can't tell my H what is REALLY bothering me, I ran to xMM. I told xMM about my pregnancy and that it was HIS baby. He sounded VERY concerned at first, however, that was all an act. When I told the news to xMM on Tuesday he said if I need anything in any way he is there for me. Well, sure. Yesterday we didn't speak. I left him a voice message because I was crying my brains out and I wanted to talk to him. Of course he didn't call back! Sounds "VERY" corncerned???? I don't think so!

I would have thought, that if he cared about me just one tiny bit, he would have called me first thing this morning. He didn't. I called him AGAIN. He answered the phone "Hey beautiful!", like I am some hooker he met down the block. He didn't even say, "Oh, I am sorry I couldn't call you back yesterday..." NOTHING. Instead I asked him, did you get my message? He says, yes, but his W came home from work early yesterday and he couldn't call me, yadda, yadda. Okay. So, what about calling me today????? Let me guess, what would his next pathetic excuse be "Oh, the Aliens took over planet earth and I couldn't call you." What an a**hole!!!!!!!

Then, we talked. He doesn't even ask me how I am feeling, etc. In the background I can hear him turning on the TV and watching some cartoon.

Now comes the good part! I finally got it out of him that this whole A to him was nothing more than to get away from his "caged in life at home". I was just a piece of ass for him, he used me, etc. Well, he didn't exactly said it this way, but I told him that the reason why I broke off the A last Friday because he was so distant with me lately and that I was ALWAYS the one calling him and he would never call me. Then he told me that the whole A was just getting too serious for him and that we would talk so much on the phone and he had to cool it off and that's why he didn't call me that much lately, etc. Damn I feel that slap in the face!!!!!!

In the beginning he didn't have a problem e-mailing me twice a day, calling me twice a day, seeing me on my break, etc. Now all of a sudden it's too much for him!????

I am not even sad anymore, but ANGRY!!!!!! I wish I was single, so that I can call his W up and tell her what a piece of s**t her H is.

This man not only used me, but got me pregnant and God only knows he will go out and have some more A's and ruin more women's lives.

My H has been there for me through all this (although he doesn't know about the A). He thinks I am sad because of the pregnancy (which is true in a way). H has been trying to cheer me up this whole week. I feel so bad that I hurt him and that I did what I did. H is a good man and he loves me to death.

I hope the counseling next week will put me back on track in life!!!

Thank you all!!!!!

Sadgirl37

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