What an A can do to your life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
What an A can do to your life
24
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:23pm
Hello All,

I posted twice on this board before, but now it's time for me to tell everyone what this whole A has done to my life:

My A only lasted for about 3 months, and yet my life is falling apart.

I ended it twice already. First time the NC lasted for 1 day, until xMM called me a day later, said how much he missed me and there we were again, back in each others arms the next day.

This lasted for 2 weeks after the first break up, until I broke off the A again. This was last Friday and since then my life has went down the drain.

1. I cry ALL the time, at work, at home, in the shower, etc.

2. I booked a session with a counselor, because I can't take it anymore.

3. I push my H away. I don't even have a desire to make love to him anymore.

4. I got pregnant by xMM and terminated the pregnancy.

5. I have had suidical thoughts.

6. I stopped doing house work, i.e. cleaning, cooking even taking care of our puppy (my H is doing all this now).

7. I have no interest in anything anymore.

8. I eat less, sleep less...

9. Stopped watching TV, my favorite shows, etc.

10. I stare at my cell phone ALL DAY LONG, hoping that maybe xMM will call me.

11. At one point I even thought about getting pregnant again, with my H this time, so that I can get mind off of xMM, but I know that would be the wrong reason to have a baby.

12. I stopped shopping, which is unheard of. I LOVED shopping, but now, I don't even want to leave the house.

13. I stopped smiling, which is also unheard of. My nickname "used" to be smiley, because I smile constantly. Now I am always sad :(


Should I go on with my list??????? I don't even know if counseling will help me at this point. And I know I will be put on some sort of anti-depressant medication which I am so not looking forward to.

I feel so alone in this. I feel as if I am the only one going through such a major crisis. Like I said before, my A only lasted 3 months and yet I feel like 10 years of pain just fell on my shoulders.

Please help!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:18pm
Hugs, Sad. Now we're getting somewhere! I love that you're angry with him because it sounds from your posts like you certainly don't need this man in your life. Isn't funny how so many of us on this board lately are posting about how our BSs so didn't deserve what they got? And they remained loyal and loving despite what we've done?

Maybe you can find some comfort in how much your H loves you and cares about your well being. That's such a blessing!

Get that counseling started. You're sounding better already, but please follow thru with some professional help. We're here for you! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:26pm
I feel the same way you are feeling. HOpeless and helpless. NOt only do you need counseling session very soon but you need a DR. appt so you can be perscribed a RX for depression. It helps. Suicide is not the answer. Get help before you go any furhter with that thought. I have two lovely children and they are the reason I am still kicking. I have had nc with the ow for 3 days and it is difficult. I'm the one who ended it. When your feeling overwhelmed and hopeless you should post and let us lift you up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 5:19pm
My day started out pretty bad this morning. Cried all the way to work. Spoke to xMM and basically in a nice way he admitted that he just used me for sex. Nothing else. I should have known, but I was blind.

Now my sadness has turned into anger. If this doesn't get me through this piece of s**t xMM, then I don't know what will.

Before I hung up on him I told him that I would like him to return the 3 pictures I gave him of myself. I don't want this crap to have anything of me. He agreed to give it to me. I will see him tomorrow morning and I hope I can control myself not slapping him in the face for the way he used me.

Eventually this lying and cheating WILL catch up to him. He is lucky that I am married and that I am not calling his W to tell her about the A. I have to worry about my marriage too.

Today, on my lunch break, I went and got an AIDS test, because not only did this jerk lie to me several times, used me, got me pregnant, but who the heck knows what other crap he has under his sleeve.

Well, thank God my result came back NEGATIVE!!!!!!

I called my H and told him that I want to go out somewhere with him tonight and that I needed him more than anything in the world. He was happy to hear that I sound better.

I stopped crying too!!!! I have been crying since Monday, but now that I know the REAL side of xMM, I think the anger inside of me took control of my crying.

I pray to God, that xMM's wife will eventually find out about his cheating habits and he will get what he deserves and 10x more the pain I went through.

I just had to let the steam out!!! Thank you all for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 5:34pm
I must say that I have a lot of heartache, emotional turmoil and general anxiety from my affair. I was lucky not to run into the additional problems you had. That's alot of one person to shoulder. You are very strong.

But one thing we do have in common is using our anger to get through this. If that's all you've got to help you over this hump, you use it girl!

Be angry at him. I know it's not ONLY his fault, but use the emotions you can control to work through the pain.

Sounds like you've got a great husband. That's another thing we have in common. Find your strength in him. I'm more thankful for mine every day. Have a great time at dinner tonight.

Bless you! Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:52am
Yesterday I had a better day. I cried a lot in the morning. After I spoke to xMM and found out that he basically used me, my sadness turned into anger.

I told him that the 3 pictures I gave him while we were still together, I would like them back. I don't want this jerk to have anything of me.

So, I was supposed to see him this morning on the train. He purposely didn't show up. Chicken????? I think so!

I called his cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I will eventually see him again, even though he makes me sick to my stomach for what he did, because he takes the same route to work as I do every morning.

This man has destroyed my life, my soul and my happiness. And for what? Do these incosiderate bastards get a satisfaction out of destroying women's lives?

I still wanna know the answer. Why? Why did he use me? I gave him nothing but love and affection. I risked my life, my marriage, etc. for him.

The other hardest part about all this, is that last night after I got home from work, my H kept comforting me and told me over and over again how much he loved me. We even talked about having a baby sometime next year. My H has done nothing but love me and I went and had this A. I hate myself for letting xMM seduce me and use me. I know it takes 2 to Tango, but for him this was nothing more than fulfilling his sexual appetite and then throw me away like a rag.

I wish someday, somehow xMM will have it coming his way and get the pain back that he has caused me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 11:41am
Okay I've been reading your posts and like someone else mentioned, I'm glad to see you are angry. It's means you are greiving and going through the process. Basically you are greiving the death of the dreams you had with the xMM. Just know what you are going through is healthy in that sense and you don't need a padded room and meds for that.

Now after saying that, I just want you to look at the other side for a second. You are upset because he used you for sex. You're entitled to feel the way you feel. However, you also mentioned he felt it was too much. While he was using you for sex, you were after him for love and affection and he probably saw that. Rememeber men and women are wired differently. Women want the love, romance, and affection(not sex, affection) and men want sexual gratification. If neither is getting enough at home, then that makes them suseptible to an A. Not I admit, he should have been concerned, but rememeber, while you are covering yourself to H doesn't find out, he's doing the same.

This was never a true relationship to begin with. A's never are. If you think you gave your all, let me ask you this: Say things were hunky dory for a moment with the xMM and your xMM really needed someone and that someone was you. However you were planning an outing with your H. You gonna leave at a drop of a hat? My guess would be, "Not unless if you can come up with a damn good excuse." I know it hurts to be on the receiveing end and it seems like you have been more bothered by this then the xMM.

I would advise you not to call xMM's W even if you were single. It's not for the MM's sake. It's for the W's sake. You want to be responsible for turning her world upside down?

Bottom line...Be angry, focus your anger. Eventually you will get to the next stage and it will get better. Just keep yourself busy with H and when you are alone. It will make the time pass and time does heal wounds.

When you feel like slipping or venting, visit this board. Whether you post or not post, you will find it helps.

Blue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:37pm
Hi Saddy

I am so glad to see you are a litte more upbeat. Focus on that anger to keep you on track, Its going to take a while but eventually the emotions subside, you get tired of feeling unhappy over someone who in the end was not worth it to begin with. Start your counseling and focus on your marriage and rebuilding yourself. Have a good time with hubby tonite. If he is there for you take full advantage of it. He obviously loves you.

Good Luck and Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:56pm
Thanks Ladybug for your kind words! Yes, I DO feel much better. It's like I just climbed a mountain.

I didn't speak to xMM today, however, earlier today I left him a voice message because he didn't show up this morning after I asked him to give me back my pictures.

3 hours later he called me back and left me this LONG message and actually raised his voice at me. Basically he said that his bag was "stolen" from him which had my pics in it. Uh, uh! Nice excuse. So, he can't give me back my pictures.

Then, he went nuts in the voice message telling me how I accused him that he used me and that he loved me as a FRIEND and that he was cold to me over the past 2 weeks because he wanted to back off to protect both of our marriages. Now, I was the one who ended the A twice, but simply because of the way was treating me. I mean, before our final break up, I was always the one calling him.

So, he basically left me this full of crap message.

I can't believe I got sucked into this pathetic piece of crap. This guy manipulates, uses and then throws away women like toilet paper. God only knows how many women he has treated this way. He told me at the beginning of our A that he almost had another A before me, but it never went further than just talking with the OM. So, it's obvious this guy will go out there and seduce more women.

Thank God, my STD tests came back all negative. I just wonder. How can his W not know a thing about what a lying, cheating piece of crap her husband is??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:16pm
Dear Sad,

Oh, sweetie,

Take a look at these boards. You are NOT alone!!! Far from it!!! This is a tunnel that you will get thru!! really, take care and see that shrink!!! If it helps, do the drugs too!

:) Smiles comin your way!

Murf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 6:22pm


Your very welcome, dont waist anymore time or energy on him as you can see he is just going to continue to turn things around on you and make you doubt yourself. DO NOT LET HIM WIN. Just be glad his true colors came flying through. Unfortunately you learned the hard way, but with time you will be ok. Hang In there and keep in touch.

Take care

Hugs

Ladybug