What an A can do to your life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
What an A can do to your life
24
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:23pm
Hello All,

I posted twice on this board before, but now it's time for me to tell everyone what this whole A has done to my life:

My A only lasted for about 3 months, and yet my life is falling apart.

I ended it twice already. First time the NC lasted for 1 day, until xMM called me a day later, said how much he missed me and there we were again, back in each others arms the next day.

This lasted for 2 weeks after the first break up, until I broke off the A again. This was last Friday and since then my life has went down the drain.

1. I cry ALL the time, at work, at home, in the shower, etc.

2. I booked a session with a counselor, because I can't take it anymore.

3. I push my H away. I don't even have a desire to make love to him anymore.

4. I got pregnant by xMM and terminated the pregnancy.

5. I have had suidical thoughts.

6. I stopped doing house work, i.e. cleaning, cooking even taking care of our puppy (my H is doing all this now).

7. I have no interest in anything anymore.

8. I eat less, sleep less...

9. Stopped watching TV, my favorite shows, etc.

10. I stare at my cell phone ALL DAY LONG, hoping that maybe xMM will call me.

11. At one point I even thought about getting pregnant again, with my H this time, so that I can get mind off of xMM, but I know that would be the wrong reason to have a baby.

12. I stopped shopping, which is unheard of. I LOVED shopping, but now, I don't even want to leave the house.

13. I stopped smiling, which is also unheard of. My nickname "used" to be smiley, because I smile constantly. Now I am always sad :(


Should I go on with my list??????? I don't even know if counseling will help me at this point. And I know I will be put on some sort of anti-depressant medication which I am so not looking forward to.

I feel so alone in this. I feel as if I am the only one going through such a major crisis. Like I said before, my A only lasted 3 months and yet I feel like 10 years of pain just fell on my shoulders.

Please help!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 5:54pm
Dear Ladybug,

I really appreciate you replying back to me.

I am definitely getting better and my anger towards xMM is helping me get through this whole A.

In my post yesterday I mentioned that xMM left me this long voice message going on about how he never used me and that he loved me as a friend, etc.

This weekend was especially painful for me. I had the AB, I mean the AB pill, so I've been cramping a lot. Knowing that it's xMM's baby and my H was the one who comforted me throughout this whole ordeal. H doesn't know about my A, nor that it's not his baby. However, H was the one who was there with me last night, while I was going through pain, fever, vomitting, etc. This shows what a good man he is and that I should never have had the A in the first place.

I have my first appointment next Tuesday with a counselor just so I can get xMM out of my head and also to talk to someone about this A. I don't plan on going to a counselor more than 2-3 times, but I hope I can get over xMM soon.

This should be a lesson to all women who are still, or were in an A. This A has not only destroyed me emotionally, but physically as well.

I went through being used by xMM, getting pregnant by him, then having an abortion, I also did STD tests and an AIDS test just to make sure xMM didn't give me some diseases. After all, I barely knew much about him since I was in the A for 3 months and he has lied to me many times.

Thank you all for your support. I will keep you updated on my progress.

Sadgirl37

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 10:22pm
To Sadgirl37;

I am genuinely sorry to learn of your traumatic experience. I did not get all the facts...how long has it been since the affair ended? Also, are you seeing this man than necessary (like working together, neighbor...)?

The ending of the affair might have "possibly" triggered depression that might have been underlying; or you used the affair as self-validation? Either way, it is great you are seeking counseling. Remember, the ending/demise/failure of the affair relationship HAS NOTHING to do with you, all attributed to circumstances. Once you realize, accept this...might be a start toward your recovery process.

Still, I am curious to know if you have to see this man (work, etc..)...might be a pain in the a-- if you are committed to recovery, to understanding why you got into an affair in the first place, how the affair affected you, and why it affected you like that.

For now, I hope you will be committed to working on yourself. To be honest, once I BOOTED the OM out of my life (thank god I did not have to see his face)...gradually (within a month), my self-esteem was building up, happiness coming back, did all the things I enjoyed prior to the affair. Point is I allowed THAT man control my emotions, allowed him to determine my self-worth by the number of times he would call...came to acknowledge all that as BS.....said to myself: NO MORE, party's over...HE HAD to go,

PLUNK!!!@#@#...tossed into the dump bin. Now he has absolute no power over me...and he has tried to break through that barrier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:42am
Hi sadgirl,

I'm bad and I know that I will get flack back from the board but here goes. I just got out of a 3 yr A with MM. I was gullible, promised the world, oh he loved me so much, he wouldn't let me go if I left him he would find me I was his...etc. You get the picture. I worshiped the ground this man walked on. I loved him thru anything he threw at me. I dealt with his temper then his I'm sorry's. All of it ended thursday, Oct 21/22. I went on daily road trips 3 or 4 times a week with him but saw him everyday, he called at least 5 or 6 times a day. That thursday we went out buying products for his business, we had a wonderful day, we had lunch, later that day he called and said his w had called and was filing for divorce. I heard the difference in his voice. My darlin has been M to her 3 times.I found that he has always had a woman on the side, when it ended he could go right back to her. Hegot in a bind and I had loaned him $300. Oh I got it but I had to get mean. My MM turned hateful, I rebounded on him. I had always told him don't yank my chain. He doesn't like confrontation with anyone but he knew I was wrapped around his finger. I was I took a lot of stuff and I would just cry about it. I think he did love me he just couldn't bare the change. Matter of fact he called last night and he knows that getting even for all he had done,all his lies was priority on my list. Sadgirl, focus on the bad he did to you its the only way, I know, my MM is still on my mind 24/7. I sent him a letter last night by a friend, he called pitiful saying I knew I didn't mean those things. I meant every word. In the last 6 months going with him on business trips I found having A is not my MM only dirty deed. He has a buddy that always was in our business,butting into mine and his life. I found buddy was running from a probation violation warrent, well lets just say buddy isn't running anymore. I aided in them finding him.Darlin hasn't filed taxes in many years and I have his SS#,food bar in his auction doesn't have licence or enviromental inspections, (oh but it will next week),the state auction commission has guidelines that are not being followed, serious violations (his W is the auctioneer). Need I say more? This man that I loved more than life destroyed my life, he always planned our future, he had to talk to me every 3or4 hrs to "hear my voice", he never ended a phone call w/o telling me he loved me. HE YANKED MY CHAIN!!!!He played me. Well turn about is fair play!!!!I came clean with my whole family, it cost me my youngest son. My children are grown.My XH is being supportive, he knows this man came between us.Today our daughters had confrontation, my daughter laid out 6 months of my cell bill,canceled checks of $1090 I had wriiten him this month(I got my money)she even printed a copy of the letter I had written him yesterday to give to his W and daughter.It wasnt nice.Last wednesday night he called being a smarta** in front of his friends, I took it but it only added fuel to the fire. He called after he read the letter last night.Oh he wasn't mean,he was rather pitiful telling me I didn't mean all that.Yes I did I had a very rude awaking about the man I loved and what a assh*le he is. They used all of us. All the I love you's we all heard were lies ladies. Now his family knows thanks to my daughter and exH. Chin up girl, lookup see the stars? We all went down as low as we can go so we only have 1 way to go and thats up. I am rising up and I invite everybody here to join me. Life was good if we all think about what it was before they came along. Why should we let these jerks destroy our lives and get by with it. Ok ladies, I'm ready, hit me with your best shot!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 2:14pm
I tried to end the A twice. The first time it was on October 8th and it only lasted for 1 day until he called me on Sunday and told me how much he missed me and I just caved in. 2 days later we were intimate again. However, on October 11 the last time we were intimate and after that day I felt that he was too distant with me and that whenever we talked on the phone, I was always the one who called him. He never initiated the calls. And when I would leave him a message, he would call me back 2 hours later. Whereas in the beginning of our A, he used to be the one calling me a lot, and if I left him a voice message he would call me back right away.

So, after Oct. 11 I somehow felt neglected by him and that he just wasn't into me anymore. I would always have to ask him if he still wanted us to be together and he said yes. But he never showed me any affection and he would only say he cared about me, or missed me if I asked him. Because of this, I broke off the A for the 2nd time on October 22nd.

I don't work with him (thank God!), however, I see him on the train to to work (that's how we met on the first place.) I can't even take a different train because where I live there's only one route and if I take the earlier train, that gets me to work 1 hour and 30 minutes early. So, that would totally screw my schedule up. So, basically I could bump into him from time to time.

I was never ever depressed in my life before. The A was the one that messed my life up. I fell in love with xMM. No, it wasn't lust as many people tell me, I know the difference between lust and love.

I have a hard time getting over xMM and hopefully the counseling I am gonna start next Tuesday will help me get over xMM.

I still don't know why I started with the A!? Maybe because it felt good that another man, besides my husband, found me attractive, maybe because the way xMM used to stare at me all the time....I just don't know!?

It's still hard, because xMM put me through a LOT of pain. I am sure you read my posts before and all the stuff I went through. So, I have a lot to recover from.

In the back of my mind I also wonder, is xMM also suffering as much as I do, did he really care about me at all, or was it only sex for him, does he realize what he has done to me?????

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