What comes around goes around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
What comes around goes around?
6
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:53pm
I have a strong relationship with God and I know that in the end its just me and him face to face facing all my life decisions. I want to know what I need to do. I have had an affair that I did and do not feel guilty for. I am trying to get there but it takes time. I have not seen my MM for about 4 months now and its hard because I relive every moment in my mind almost every day. I know that he told me that he was feeling guilty in the beginning and being the catholic that he is he confessed and tried very hard to stay away from me but he failed and gave in. He said that the preist told him not to tell his wife bc it would of course cause more harm that good. So we decided take this to our grave. I just know that what comes around goes around and I feel this urge to confess to both my family (husband and kids) and to confess to his wife since we are friends. I mean could you imagine being her and having a friend that had and affair with your husband and did not tell you. I mean I think it will be worse if years go by and no one confesses to her and she somehow finds out. What then? I mean love your neighbor as yourself and taking that into affect I feel I need to tell. I cant take this anymore bc guiltiness is settling in now. I dont know what to do. I dont want this to come around ten times worse. Any suggestions? Has anyone gone through this. I mean I am not wanting to confess out of anger but out of respect that I should have for her and her child and for my husband and children. I think they have a right to know.

THanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:11pm


Confess to your own husband (not children if there young), his wife is his problem, you stopped being her friend when you slept with her husband.

You are right that it is better for your husband to learn this from you and not somebody else it only makes the betraly worse and mor humiliating to find out from somebody else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:19pm
Marriage counselors are of two schools of thought on this. Some say, Come clean with your spouse so you can work on building a new, completely honest relationship. Others say confession is good for YOUR soul, but can cause tremendous, unnecessary pain to your loved one(s).

Now, if you feel the need to confess to your husband so that you can start over again with a clean slate, that is one thing. But I would leave it up to your XMM to decide whether or not to confess to his wife. It doesn't seem very compassionate to me to confess to your friend something that is in the past, that could completely destroy her marriage... What good can possibly come from that? So many lives can be ruined just so you can relieve a little bit of your guilt. I really would think twice before confessing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:38am
Well, honey, here's my take on this. I practice the 12-steps, which is a God-given program (I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict) and our 9th step is that we "made amends to all persons we had harmed except when to do so would injure them or others." I've given this alot of thought as well because I was raised Roman Catholic. I've really pondered the 10 commandments and "thou shalt not commit adultery." Somewhere in the Bible, or in some literature expounding on the Bible, I remember reading that the 10 commandments were to keep society from running totally amuk and people hurting people randomly. Obviously, they're very good rules to live by. But I concluded for me personally that God's objective to for people not to cause people harm and clearly when a married person goes outside of the marriage there's great opportunity to cause harm.

I have been painfully honest with my H about my A from day one (H and I were actually separated so that made it easier). I assessed my actions on a regular basis to determine if a point came when I was hurting someone and when I realized I was, I ended the A. If you feel that coming clean about the A would do some good for the other people involved, by all means, come clean. But if coming clean would hurt them too much, I'd keep it to myself. While "coming clean" sometimes helps our conscience, we have to be mindful of the person receiving this information and where they are in life at that moment. A perfect opportunity to come clean may arise and you may wish to take advantage of that, and that's great. But one of our credo's in the 12-step program is that "Honesty without kindness isn't honesty at all." JMHO

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:00am
My XMM was very catholic and very ridden with guilt from the beginning of our love affair (no sex, but lots of emotional, spiritual and physical chemistry). We also made a deal that we would never tell: he said: you never tell and I will never leave you (not sure how i feel about that now--i never wanted him around just so i wouldn't tell). But i have chosen not to tell my H (who also had his own emotional love affair with a SW around the same time) because i know it would destroy my XMM's life, his children's life and his wife. I will keep true to my pact with XMM. It's a secret i don't mind keeping to the grave.

If you tell your MM's wife, what good will it serve? How much more pain do you want to pass around? It is really up to you MM to tell his wife, i think. I don't think it's your place. I am very religious too but i never, ever felt guilty or bad about falling in love with this other man--because my 17 year realtionship with my H has been/and continues to be in such a bad place. I did talk with my priest about it--and he was very supportive.

I don't think you should tell, though. Think about your motivations for telling. What are they? You can relieve your own guilt (about the W) with God on your own.

it's funny, after i discovered by H was also involved with someone else, i told my XMM about it and i said "what amazing Karma is that. What goes around comes around, right." Afterall, i had been my XMM's other lover while he was hurting his wife; and then suddenly I became the wife that had been lied to and hurt by my own husband. Suddenly, I realized how my XMM's wife would have felt if she had discovered his/mine A and honestly, I wouldn't wish those feelings on any wife.

I would stay quiet, pray and try and work through this on your own without involving any more people.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:05am
ramos~

A very emphatic "NO! NO! NO!". Do not TELL you h until you've begun to work some of this stuff out FIRST...get a therapist, figure out what is going on, THEN decide whether or not to tell you husband.

I speak from experience: 15 years ago, I had a 'fling' within the first six months of my marriage. I made the mistake of telling my h before consulting with a therapist. My h, who is normally 'calm, cool and collected' (to outsiders), did NOT handle the information well. I, too, thought he had a "right" to know, as I felt I had done wrong. His response: the same night I had told him, I was sleeping on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night, to see him h standing over me in the dark, with his fists clenched. I asked him what he was doing and he said "Give me a reason NOT to kill you right now"...trying not to panic, I told him that he "didn't want to be someone b**ch in prison". He turned and walked away, left the house for the remainder of the night. I didn't sleep for the next week. That was NO comparison to the absolute HELL I lived in, with it being thrown in my face for years and years and years. I was wrong, yes...but sometimes making amends can occur in different ways. Now, my h and I have a MULTITUDE of problems, which is the reason why I am currently divorcing him....but my example...not all that uncommon, but not common either.

It is NOT your PLACE to tell your exMM's wife...LEAVE IT BE. Chances are, she might have known on some level. Whatever problems are in HIS marriage, will eventually blow up again if NOT addressed...and it any case, it is not YOUR PLACE to address his marital problems.

God knows your sins....you do not have to start telling everyone about them. I'm Catholic too...I know all about the confessional piece. I also believe that God does not want us to do harm to others...and telling the spouse creates harm. (in addition to having the affair). And absolving your sins and your guilt has NOTHING to do with anyone else.

JMHO...and I hope I didn't sound too harsh....just please, do not do this without consulting a therapist first.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:56pm
I have also been trying to resolve the guilt i have from my A. if u r an honest person it is hard to become dishonest with urself and anyone else u have a relationship with. i am the type of person that has to discuss everything with my bf til theres no more to discuss. but with my A i have relized that sometimes ignorance is bliss... especially when you feel like ur judgement comes down to God and u. God knows what u have done and what u are going thru...

my philosophy is that everything happens for a reason... nothing is a mistake in the eyes of God if u learn from it. what comes around goes around? nothing can go around if u catch it first!