What did I do??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
What did I do??!!
15
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:26am
I can't believe what I did yesterday. It was a little over a month since I had seen my OM and things were going really well with my H. My OM had small contact by messaging but nothing serious. I had just assumed we had "broken up." Well out of the blue, he calls me and asks me to visit, we hadn't seen each other in a while and we still remain friends. So after some hesitation, I went over to visit and told myself nothing was going to happen. But guess what.......I gave in. What is this hold that this OM has over me? I consider myself a usually strong independant woman, but he does something to me everytime. Does anyone else have this problem? Now I have no idea what to do. Should I just pretend that nothing ever happned and walk away for good? Or do I continue to give in until we mutually decide to "break up?"

I also wanted to say that it is such a relief to see these boards. There were times I felt like I was alone in this and reading your postings really help me through times where I feel like I was the only woman in the world experiencing my situation.


Edited 11/20/2003 4:33:20 PM ET by arcy4u

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 12:15pm
It has happened to me 3 times already where we say we are just better off the best friends that we once were but then IT happens. In my case I have ended it twice and him the last time. We are both M though is your OM M?

Sal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 12:31pm
Oh I am so relieved I am not alone. No, my OM is currently single.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:03pm
You are most definately NOT alone.I have ended my A, but we still e-mail sometimes- this works best for me right now. But nothing could get me to see him- I would either give in or start down that road again. I tried to end it several times before we finally did- for me it was a process. You'll do it- hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:05pm
You are so not alone in this situation. I promised myself faithfully the last time I seen him I would not step outside the box. I didn't even shave my legs because I was not going there. I had breakfast prepared and dressed very casually. No flirty stuff. Didn't make an iota of difference. I was so angry with myself. I tried to justify it by saying "It's because I really am in love with him" bs. I felt used afterwards he went on vacation with his wife and kids and I at 47 had to worry if I was pregnant. I was beside myself with worry. All these details finally got me to a place where there was no return. In future do not compromise your space. Personally I have no intention of being alone with this man again, because I am weak? No.because he is a master manipulator. I have taught assertiveness classes especially to young females about when saying no means no. I said no repeatedly. The more I pulled my clothes on the more he pulled them off. So know you are not alone. We have all at one time been there. In future think proactive not reactive. You call the shots.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember there are no mistakes only lessons learned.

Hugs Luv

xxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:18pm
Hi!!

First of all I wanted to say sorry that you "slipped". It happens and personally it had happened to me several times. 2.5 months ago I was exactly where you are now. I wondered why "he" had so much control and power over me. Well that is because I let him, I gave in because I wanted to. Do you have an idea of what you would like to see happen with your marriage? If you want your marriage to work maybe you should not continue to be "friends" with your om for now. I will forever agree that no contact is the way to go. It doesn't work for everyone, but for a majority it seems like it does, and it was the only way I could every move forward with my life (Thanks ex-om for forcing the no contact on me....lol). Don't beat yourself up over this "slip". It is done and over, you can't change it, you can only learn from it!!

Hugs,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 3:05pm
First off thanks to all of you for your support!

Well I know I should cut off contact and I am not blaming him completely, I could have walked out before anything happened. I just have a different connection with him than my husband and I am afraid I am going to miss that. As far as my H. I want to work things out. I want to find that "spark" we had when we got married. Guess I can't have my cake and eat it too, huh? Have any of you seen the movie UNFAITHFUL with Richard Gere? The scene where Diane Laine pictures herself walking away from the man she has an affair with instead of going upstairs with him, I do that sometimes. I wonder what would have happened if I had just walked away rather than stayed and said hello. Sorry to keep rambling, but for the first time in my life I a so full of confusion.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 5:40pm
Arcy....

Been there done that...I fooled myself into thinking that OM and I could remain just friends....but it would be impossible to see him and "that" not to happen! And when "that" happens, then it is hard to put your feelings in perspective and ever move on from the A.

This "lets just be friends" stuff is possible, but you have a better chance of winning Lotto. This is why many women in our situation HAVE to do NC. No text messages, no emails, no contact whatsoever.

Do you live in Maryland by any chance? just curious, because just calling to say come over is something my XOM would do.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:18pm
Um, no I don't live back East. Well he's changed on me again. We saw each other 2 days ago and he's distant. I think this relationship is hard for him too. He is single and wants a family. He persued me very intensely and I think somewhere inside he was hoping for me to divorce my H. Many times he told me that if I was single he would definately want to try something. So I am thinking that after seeing him a few days ago after a little over a month, it might have got to him. I think there is a part of him that is afraid to get attached one more time. (yes, I am a firm believer that men have feelings too even though they tried to hide them) I can't take this anymore. I am supposed to see him on Saturday before he goes away for vacation (alone to see family). I think I have to break it off. It's gonna be hard. I know it. I think of him often and remember the fun we had. But then I think of my H. The fun we have, how he forgave me and the future he hopes for. I am hoping that will be enough to help me through this. I just don't understand why I let him get to me like this. Will it go away? Does missing him actually go away? Does anyone else have the problem of their OM getting distant once in a while?
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:10pm
arcy,,

yes, of course men have feelings...and he can be struggling with this whole thing just like you are. He wants you and can't have you......how gut wrenching is that? His distance is his way of reacting.

You say you are going to see him before he leaves Saturday? Is that so you can say goodbye just for the weekend, or forever? It is time for you to make some decisions before this turns into something deeper and more painful. If you walk away now atleast you saved yourself the chance of getting caught by your husband.

Good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
In reply to: arcy4u
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:28pm
Hi. I can totally relate to you. Our situations sound so very much alike. I have tried to end it with my MM so many times I've lost count. I, like you, have a weakness for him and have given myself to him only to have him distance himself from me again and again.

I have seen that movie "Unfaithful" and it was very sad. I can't believe I've put myself in this situation. My best to you. We will get through this.

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