What Do I Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
What Do I Do?
4
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:28am
I've been reading the postings on here and I feel like I'm a different situation from most of you. My A is over, but not by my choice. I would give anything in the world to still be with him. I read what everyone is saying about what jerks their MM/OM were and only thinking about themselves and I can't imagine that. My OM was so wonderful and sweet. He was always concerned with me and my needs, doing whatever he could to build me up and make me a stronger person. Right up until the end, I cannot think of even one thing he ever did to make me feel badly about myself. The terribly hurtful way he chose to leave things in the end was totally out of character for him. The only thing I can begin to think is he couldn't stand to hear my cry or make himself say the words... basically that he wasn't man enough to end things any other way.

Until a couple of days ago, I had no clue how to have any communication with him. His email account had been deleted and everything. Well, I was searching and found his new screen name. It can't be anyone but him... its his first name and birthdate. Plus, it's the right location and has his kids' names in it. In the almost five weeks, since I found out the truth I have wanted so badly to email him a letter. I don't know what to say to him exactly... I want him to know how badly he's hurt me... but I want him to know that I forgive him too. I love him so much... if this is truly what will make him the happiest then I want it this way for him... and I want him to know that's how I feel. I want to beg him to at least honor what we shared with a "goodbye" of some sort because the pain of how things are is so great for me that I can hardly stand it. He always said that he didn't think he could live life without any contact with me... but now that's exactly what he's doing and as it turns out I'm the one who can't seem to deal without the contact. I know we aren't going to be together... but I miss our friendship so much. Anyway, I don't know if I should even write him at this point and if I do I don't know what to say.

Beyond writing him or not, I fight the temptation to start talking to him with a different screen name. I know I should just try to let it go and not talk to him that way, but it is so tempting and I am so incredibly lonely for him. I know it hasn't been very long and I keep reading about how it gets easier over time... but I don't know how to grieve this loss....

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: ren2findu
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:44am
Hi r2f! I am curious about something you wrote - you said "It has been 5 weeks since I found out the truth" - what is "the truth"? I understand what you are saying about OM being kind, sweet, and not wanting to hurt you. However, it sounds from your post (and this is slightly unclear) that he ended the A. If that is the case, then you really have no choice but to respect his wishes and resist the temptation to contact him, via e-mail or otherwise. This is just my opinion, but I would say not to contact him at all.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
In reply to: ren2findu
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:32pm
Circe,

Yes, it was his choice to end the A. I posted a few days ago with the whole long story. But, the end of the story is that I was looking at his profile online one day and found it filled with all this stuff about his new love, whom he named and it definitely wasn't my name there. That's how I found out... he didn't call or email or anything to say its over. The last acutal communication I had with him, he said that he loved me and we'd be together soon.

I know I have to respect his decision. I guess I just want him to know that I'll be okay somehow (cuz I sure don't feel okay yet) and that I can forgive what he did to us... because I know he must be feeling a lot of guilt over how things have turned out. But maybe I should just let it go....

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: ren2findu
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:09pm
That's right! I remember your post now. He chatted with you under another name, a woman's name if I remember correctly? That definitely raised a red flag with me. It seemed very strange that he would do this.

I don't mean to be harsh, but why would you worry about him feeling guilty, or about letting him know that you are OK? Obviously he didn't care enough to end the A with any kind of regard for your feelings. I would not contact him. He didn't have the decency to tell you that the A was over, he lies and deceives you online by chatting under an assumed name, and he is already broadcasting his love for someone else. Don't give this guy another moment of your time. Let him go, and move on with your life. You deserve so much more!

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
In reply to: ren2findu
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:19pm
Hi there,

Julie, I swear, I think you have expressed every emotion I have felt over the past 7 months. There are times when I feel like my behavior isn't rational and I hate myself for it. I am basically in love with my A and now that it is over (his choice) I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and he loves me so much. He wants to marry me! I don't want that though and I obviously showed that by my actions.

I broke up with him and met this guy who I had been crushing on for a while. He turned out to be everything I had dreamt about in one package and he fell for me too. He stuck it out for a while, even suprising me one day to only find my boyfriend there, but then he just kind of threw me to the side. It is crazy because he is gorgeous and intelliigent and there is no logical reason for him to be with someone who couldn't be with him.

Well I made a drunk call to him the other night and he told me he thinks about me all the time. I wanted to see him tonight and I have emailed and calle him...nothing. Well, the only thing to do is get over it and move one. The only thing is that I can't be intimate with my boyfriend and I don't know how long we can be like this. In the end I will lose them both which is trite, but true. I told my A that there was no way I could walk away from this with out looking like a loser tramp and it is now so. How did I get myself into this. I seriously think about him all the time and hang on to hope that I will find that rare find once again.