What Do I Do?
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| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:28am |
Until a couple of days ago, I had no clue how to have any communication with him. His email account had been deleted and everything. Well, I was searching and found his new screen name. It can't be anyone but him... its his first name and birthdate. Plus, it's the right location and has his kids' names in it. In the almost five weeks, since I found out the truth I have wanted so badly to email him a letter. I don't know what to say to him exactly... I want him to know how badly he's hurt me... but I want him to know that I forgive him too. I love him so much... if this is truly what will make him the happiest then I want it this way for him... and I want him to know that's how I feel. I want to beg him to at least honor what we shared with a "goodbye" of some sort because the pain of how things are is so great for me that I can hardly stand it. He always said that he didn't think he could live life without any contact with me... but now that's exactly what he's doing and as it turns out I'm the one who can't seem to deal without the contact. I know we aren't going to be together... but I miss our friendship so much. Anyway, I don't know if I should even write him at this point and if I do I don't know what to say.
Beyond writing him or not, I fight the temptation to start talking to him with a different screen name. I know I should just try to let it go and not talk to him that way, but it is so tempting and I am so incredibly lonely for him. I know it hasn't been very long and I keep reading about how it gets easier over time... but I don't know how to grieve this loss....
Julie

((hugs))
Circe
Yes, it was his choice to end the A. I posted a few days ago with the whole long story. But, the end of the story is that I was looking at his profile online one day and found it filled with all this stuff about his new love, whom he named and it definitely wasn't my name there. That's how I found out... he didn't call or email or anything to say its over. The last acutal communication I had with him, he said that he loved me and we'd be together soon.
I know I have to respect his decision. I guess I just want him to know that I'll be okay somehow (cuz I sure don't feel okay yet) and that I can forgive what he did to us... because I know he must be feeling a lot of guilt over how things have turned out. But maybe I should just let it go....
Julie
I don't mean to be harsh, but why would you worry about him feeling guilty, or about letting him know that you are OK? Obviously he didn't care enough to end the A with any kind of regard for your feelings. I would not contact him. He didn't have the decency to tell you that the A was over, he lies and deceives you online by chatting under an assumed name, and he is already broadcasting his love for someone else. Don't give this guy another moment of your time. Let him go, and move on with your life. You deserve so much more!
((hugs))
Circe
Julie, I swear, I think you have expressed every emotion I have felt over the past 7 months. There are times when I feel like my behavior isn't rational and I hate myself for it. I am basically in love with my A and now that it is over (his choice) I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and he loves me so much. He wants to marry me! I don't want that though and I obviously showed that by my actions.
I broke up with him and met this guy who I had been crushing on for a while. He turned out to be everything I had dreamt about in one package and he fell for me too. He stuck it out for a while, even suprising me one day to only find my boyfriend there, but then he just kind of threw me to the side. It is crazy because he is gorgeous and intelliigent and there is no logical reason for him to be with someone who couldn't be with him.
Well I made a drunk call to him the other night and he told me he thinks about me all the time. I wanted to see him tonight and I have emailed and calle him...nothing. Well, the only thing to do is get over it and move one. The only thing is that I can't be intimate with my boyfriend and I don't know how long we can be like this. In the end I will lose them both which is trite, but true. I told my A that there was no way I could walk away from this with out looking like a loser tramp and it is now so. How did I get myself into this. I seriously think about him all the time and hang on to hope that I will find that rare find once again.