What to do when NC impossible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
What to do when NC impossible?
4
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 5:58pm
I don't know how to let go of the A when the OMM is in the picture and we work in the same office, though not the same company. It was supposed to be over, but we both did things to start it back up. I need to be able to leave him alone to figure out if I want to stay in my marriage. As I have seen on many other posts, I had problems in my M when I turned to the OM. The problems were already there before the A became emotional and then physical. NC is impossible because we are inextricably linked to each other in a professional setting. I love my job and my bosses and do not want to quit in order to acheive NC. I know that as long as I see him on a regular basis, it will never be over. In a lot of ways, I don't want it to be over. Unfortunately, I know that nothing good can come of it. It feels so good, like a drug. I feel good when I know he wants me. I feel bad when I don't see him. We are good friends and I truly like the OM as a person, not just because of the A. What can I do? My M is in big trouble, with or without the A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:10pm
hi there Malli--

Your story is the same as mine. I have now ended my A but XMM and I have interconnected jobs, so NC is impossible for me. I have also been almost best friends with my XMM, and we still have a pretty good relationship. Before I answer you, though, I have a couple questions...

Have you ended the A? Have you told the OM that it is over? Does he agree that it has to end? Give me the details of the break-ups (my XMM and I had many break-ups before the final one)....have you tried to break it off before and what happened?

I will give my 2 cents worth after I hear back from you :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:30pm
One day after we hooked up, we started talking about our lives. He had previously told me that he and his W were having problems and had exchanged heated words. I brought up the fact that he once told me that he thought the A would somehow help. He got a little uncomfortable because I told him that there were positive and negative aspects to the A. He said that we needed to take a break because we needed to solve our respective marital problems. He said that he felt sick after a particular discussion with his W because it brought the guilt out. We had both been avoiding the guilt. I agreed that we should take a break because I needed to figure things out. I talked to the OM at length a few days later and confided in him that I was unsure regarding the status of my M, as it is hard to let go. He told me he needed to figure out if he was with his W because he didn't want to be alone and suggested I consider the same w/ regards to my M.

We talk all the time and I tell him things because he won't judge me and I know he cares about me. I don't think he loves me and that is ok, because I don't love him either. I am in love with him, but that is to be expected. Anyway, the "breakup" didn't last long because we got back into the pattern of flirting, seduction, etc. I know I need to leave him alone, but it is almost impossible to resist him. We haven't actually had sex in about 4 weeks, but the emotional element is still there and we would have gotten physical if it had been possible. In all honesty, the emotional aspect that still continues is what draws me back in. When we see each other, it is nearly impossible to not go back into our habits. The thing is, I knew him for over 2 years before we started the A. We were and still are friends. We started the A about 7 months ago, but began the process a couple of months before that. This is the first "breakup" and won't be the last. We are totally drawn to each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 8:53pm
Malli

A suggestion on how to start cooling the emotional aspect of this, STOP exchanging personal information about your respective marriages or any other aspect of your private life with your husband refuse to listen to him about the same subjects.

It sounds hard but it can work.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 9:23pm
hi there Malli--

Sounds familiar. My XMM and I had a four-year A and broke it off several times (one time for 8 or 9 months), but could never resist starting up again. We also were extremely drawn to each other (still are I have to admit) and have shared personal information. But neither of us want to leave our marriage--loyalty, children, love our spouses, etc (makes ya wonder what the heck was wrong with us to even start the A). Both of us are aware that we were addicted to the A, and both of us were in love with each other. We also had known each other for a couple years before the A. I am a casual friend with his W. I have a very good relationship with my H and he has a pretty good, although somewhat platonic relationship with his W (they married very young and have become very different people).

So...enough about me! I wanted to give you that background so that you would know how oddly similar our stories really are.

Here is the bottom line: My A is over, and I still have the same feelings for him. But it is those feelings that cause me to keep the A in the past. I love him, and I want the best for him. The best for him is not me!! The best is for him to be with his family! And the best thing for me is to be with my H and kids!! I would be selfish if I made efforts to start up again--I would be doing it to satisfy only my selfish desires, which I am slowly getting over.

If you really love this guy (and with an affair, it is questionable whether we experience real love, since everything is not as it is in a normal relationship), you will think about what the A is doing to his life and the way he relates to his W. When someone is in an A, they tend to not treat their spouse the same--they are distracted, and they have the "comfort' of knowing they have someone else out there waiting for them with no strings attached. They can't know how well they would get along with their spouse until they are truly free from the "spell' that they have been under.

So even if you think that you and he may one day end up together (unlikely!!), you need to break things off until he takes the time (could be years) to see if he and his wife can rekindle their relationship. And no fair giving any hint whatsoever that you may "be around for him" down the road. It is so rare that APs end up with each other. You said that you don't love each other, but are in love. Try to take a step back and consider what is the best thing you can do for your friend. It will really be the best thing for both of you!

As far as strategies to use since you always see him, here are a few ideas:

1. Have the break-up talk and be firm that you will no longer engage in sex, sexually-related conversations, or flirting of any kind.

2. Tell him that you will not discuss your relationship with your H and you will not allow him to discuss with you his relationship with his W.

3. How closely must you work? Can you change a few things so you don't need to talk to him as much or for a set period of time?

4. Visit this board as much as possible, and please read through the threads from the past couple months (it will take awhile!) It will be eye-opening to see the apin that people have suffered when their A is doscovered, or they lose their families because of the A. It simply isn't worth the risk.

5. Let this be your final break-up. Let it happen because it will be easier than breaking up again later. After re-reading all the threads here, start a journal so you can track your emotions. That helps a lot.

Hopefully this has helped a bit.

Let me know what you think and what

you decide to do :-)

Good luck and strength to you!!!

Meg