What do you make of this
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| Tue, 06-21-2005 - 8:21pm |
Hi all! I recieved this e-mail from mm today. What do you make of it and should I reply?
Hey my sweet friend,
I am so sorry to be so weird. Really sorry.
You are really awesome. You are so good to me.
You are the best lover I have ever had.
You are beautiful.
And I find myself really scared, afraid to let myself feel.
Afraid to hurt my family, and your family.
And to hurt you.
I think I need to take some time and really think about what should come next.
I know what I want to happen. I'd love to make love with you every night and fall asleep with you and wake up with you.
But then there is reality, stupid reality.
But it is real, no matter how much it sucks.
I ask you to give me some time to think about it. I am scared and confused, and overwhelmed right now. And any demands on me, even if they are good ones, get lumped in with the bad ones and make me put my brakes on more. I do want you, very much.
OK, thank you...

NO, how do you answer a FANTASY. Sorry but I do not know your story but one thing I can tell you is that the affair bubble almost always pops sooner or later and reality weather it sucks or not comes flooding in and the FANTASY gets sweaped away.
Return to the real would and deal with your real life.
JMHO
Free
I think his email is very sweet. However, I also think it has trouble for you written all over it. My take on it is that he is second guessing the relationship and wondering if it is worth it. That is why he is bringing up the potential of hurting others, including you.
Please remember that, whether we like it or not, people having an affair don't really know each other. Affairs are fantasy relationships based on lies and really have no future. Even the ones where the partners end up together, there is little chance for them to last (only about 5% do and those that marry have a divorce rate that is twice that of the average rate). Protect yourself as best you can.
Good luck!!!
Why would you want to reply to your xMM's e-mail???
I don't know your status, i.e. are you S or MW, but unless you wanna stay off the rollercoaster, I wouldn't reply to his e-mail.
If you are both M, unless you discussed leaving your spouses for each other, then maybe. But A's don't have a future!!!!
Not sure if you saw the movie "Love Story" with Ryan O'Neill. In it the girl said something that is very true "Love means, never having to say you are sorry".
Would you want to stay with a person who will NEVER commit to you 100%, who shares you with his W, who tells you they love you, yet they go home to their W? It's all an illusion, a fantasy.
What struck me in your xMM's e-mail is:
<I know what I want to happen. I'd love to make love with you every night and fall asleep with you and wake up with you.>>
What does he want to come next???? Leave his W for you? Sorry to say, but it will NEVER happen!
Listen to others who responded to your post and please just ignore your xMM's plea.
It isn't worth it, unless you wanna stay on the rollercoaster ride.
JMHO,
PG
I'm a former WS. What do I make of this? Best I can do is a rough translation...
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Hey there, Plan-B,
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I'm worried my real life might get scorched, surely you understand how important THAT is to me?
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I'm really awesome & good to my wife and family.
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Was fun while it lasted, eh?
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You were a pleasant and amusing diversion from real life.
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You won't tell my wife, will you?!
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Bunny boiling is strictly prohibited.
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Oh, yeah, you might hurt enough to want to lash out at me or my wife & family...Ummm, sorry about that, but hey, you knew I was married, right?
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Maybe if I let you down gently enough, you'll leave me, my wife & family alone.
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I'd really like you to be transferred to some exotic country where they have no easily accessible methods of outside communication so my wife & family remain oblivious to what I'm really capable of...but, of course, I can't exactly say so, so I'll just be vague instead.
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Just not enough to make it happen.
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If I play it just right, maybe just maybe you'll care enough about me to want to protect my family from what you & I've been doing to them and I can keep my reality in tact.
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What was I THINKING?!
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Decades would be ideal...Unless, of course, I need a little ego boost here & there, hmm, that'd be cool, never slam a door with a potential ego-boost behind it, eh? Never hurts to have a back-up plan just in case.
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I'm terrified you're going to go rocking my reality boat.
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Any sniff of pressure or crisis and I fold like a cheap lawn chair and you're getting scary on me with all your needs, this is about MY needs, remember?
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Just not enough to jeopardize what I DO have with my wife & family...
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PLEASE don't tell my wife?
~LeFeen~
Lefeen,
Unfortunately, I thought that was a spin-filled kiss off letter too. Truly was my first thought. Those who are well versed in affairs aka selfish cads, know how to leave so that someone isn't furious so that they will want revenge. He got some kind of leash yanked or the pressure from being a cad and a sneak caught up to him so he has to go back to his safety corner. He'll come out when his compulsion level gets high and find his next mark.
I got played very well that way myself. He appealed to the sweet person in me. Little did he know I wasn't EVER going to do Springer stuff and get enraged. Because I know what I did was my free will. From what I know he is living the Springer life now. I am sure that if he bails on her (his new g/f former OW)she will wreck havoc. (I hope). I let others react in drama drama. His true colors doesn't warrant me a dramatic demonstration. That would give his ego too much of a boost.
I do believe my realness, maturity etc. SINCERITY..is what made him finally after 10 yrs leave his wife...but he couldn't handle my ability to "support" him without giving him a damn thing he got into a relationship for. (a soft landing instead of making him stand on his own two feet). He has no idea what woman are for really. he is too busy mooching, scheming, getting his ego fed...to pay attention to the real responsibility to his SOUL and others'.
Charming cowards many of them are eh?
Lizzie
The answer is so incredibly simple, yet none of us (me included at one time) want to LOOK at the answer when we're in the middle of our affairs since it kills the feel-good buzz, or at the end of our affairs since it kills the potential for getting that feel-good buzz back again.
What isn't so easy is that this actually takes looking at who they are rather than whatever it is we wish to believe of them.
All we really have to do is note the gaping disparity between their words and actions.
If my WORDS are along the lines of "ILY, you are the air I breathe, I want to go to sleep beside you & wake up with you every morning," etc yet my ACTIONS are of going home to my wife & family, if my ACTIONS are all about ensuring my wife & family don't discover my dirty little secret, if my ACTIONS consistently put anyone & everyone else higher on my priority list, then there's disparity.
When my ACTIONS don't match my WORDS, it's my ACTIONS you should believe since my WORDS are only so much bulldung.
Remember Maya Angelou? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them...the first time." It's tempting to buy into the dream guy, the fantasy man, routine rather than believing who they are when they show us. It's also much easier believing we are helpless (http://www.coping.org/control/helpless.htm) or powerless (http://www.coping.org/control/powerless.htm) or that we can't function without The One in our lives (http://www.coping.org/control/overdep.htm), since to change means we have to get off our butts and DO something.
The good news is this is something that is very much within OUR control (http://www.coping.org/control/selfcont.htm). We can quit making their excuses FOR them and we can choose to focus on their ACTIONS rather than their worthless WORDS and we can cease feeling helpless, we can seize back our power, we can begin to rely on ourselves and the grandaddy of the all, we can exercize self-control.
We just have to want to shift that focus from what we *want* onto what really *is* and want it enough to actually do it.
~LeFeen~
Edited 6/23/2005 9:26 am ET ET by lefeen
Lefeen,
Wow!!!!! Great translation! I wish you could see all the e-mails xMM sent me when he tried to lure me back into the A. These guys sure know how to play with our minds.
PG