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| Sun, 05-23-2010 - 8:48pm |
Hello Everyone,
I am a "Newbie" to this board and first want to thank everyone who has posted here before me. Every single post I have read has helped me in one way or another. Although I'm sure I'm not out of the woods yet (4 months NC), I have found enlightenment and courage from this board! So, please accept me into your "sisterhood" and I hope I can offer someone help in return.
First, a little about myself - I am M w/children and have been involved in a 4-1/2 year long on-again/off-again A with a MM/boss. Like everyone else on here, I thought I would be the LAST person involved in such a situation. I have experienced both emotionally-wounding drama and life-threatening trauma in my life, but this A has, by far, been the most damaging and the hardest experience to overcome. My A has had so many twists and turns, I'm sure I could give the Jerry Springer Show a run for its money! But I know that even though the details of each of our A's may be different, the end result brings us all ending up at the same, sad place.
I have all along struggled with so many unanswered questions about why my xAP did what he did, what his true feelings about me were, why I allowed it to happen in the first place and then allowed it to continue for so long, and so many, many more. But I've decided to use my sporadic clarity and energy bursts to heal rather than wallow (maybe the questions will get answered someday, but the answers don't really matter at this point, anyway). The reason I'm posting here is that I've had a few insights that I'm hoping might help someone else. You might agree or disagree and I'm open to your thoughts -
Forgive (I didn't say Forget!) - I constantly fluctuate between pining for (aka holding on to the addiction) and despising my xAP. During the affair, he did and said countless, extremely hurtful things (my T actually called him emotionally abusive). But holding on to the resentment and anger - what does this get me? Nothing. Nothing but a life-time pass on this crazy ride. But by forgiving him, I give myself permission to let him go and then I no longer play "victim". Forgiving = power = healing = "Wings"!
Accept - Like it or not, it takes two to tango and I became a willing dance partner. (We both knew each other were married at the start.) Once you take a seat on this ugly ride, there is no good way for it to end - someone (or many, many people) inevitably get hurt. That is the ONLY guarantee in this game of no-rules - someone is going to get hurt. (I haven't had a Dday, but I'm certain both of our families have paid a price through the changes an affair causes in a person.) So acceptance of responsibility with being a part of this is crucial in the healing, I believe. I also accept that whatever it is my xAP needs, I do not have it and that is okay. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I can't help but feel that since things didn't "work out" between us, that I have failed him in some way. That's what my heart says, but my head knows that the A should never has started and it's a blessing it ended.
Gratefulness - There are a few things under this category. First, I am grateful to my xAP for the opportunity to prove to myself (and surprisingly to him, I'm sure!) that I am a strong person, no matter what life deals me. As hard as this is, I know there is healing in the pain and I will get through it. And I am glad to begin to feel that once I get through this, the most important person of all will be there waiting for me - ME!!!! And lastly, I am glad that, like another poster stated, my desire to change my fantasy to reality did not happen. Though right or wrong, what I felt for my xAP felt real and I probably would have changed my entire life for him, had he asked me to. But it was not meant to be and although I no longer feel deserving of the gifts of my reality, I am trying my hardest to regroup, refocus and move on.
So - there you have it. I don't know if the fog's lifting or if I'm just spinning in circles, but I really do feel a little stronger each day(and I'm counting on all of you to keep me in that direction!). I admit that I still struggle with crying bouts and questions and anger and all the other goodies that come along with this package I bought into, but I also know that I'm gonna make it! :)
HLS

Welcome,
Great post....please stay around and continue to post. Very insightful, the fog is lifting you are on your way...so nice to hear from ya
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Ok, you win the prize for best first post EVER. Sure, you're four months post-A/NC, and not 'really' a newbie, but still... amazing. Thank you for posting - you should have come here sooner! Please continue to contribute; we're all going to benefit from having you here.
Cheers,
Dee
HLS,
Welcome to EAS and this was a great post. I hope you don't mind that I put it in the Healing Library under our "Insights and Wisdom" thread, part II. It definitely belongs there.
In 4 short months you
~Iddy~
Hi HLS- I will be 4 months on Friday and I can relate to much of your insight. I am definitely on the same page and have come to the same realizations. That's not to say that everyday is easy- quite the contrary. It still hurts, but at least I know that i am moving forward and will continue to have epiphanies such as these.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Happy Morning, everyone.
Dee
Did your affair end your marriage or were you heading for divorce anyway ? Just curious and wow do I ever admire your strength ! You are amazing and should be so proud of the woman that you are :) Hugs to you !
Dear HLS,
It is messages like these that keep me going ... you are such an inspiration. Thank you for taking the time to remind us of what is waiting up ahead (-:
My best to you as you continue on your learning journey,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Ah, my little Deester. Don't fret, my dear. I know you were just kidding but I can read between the lines. ;-) Remember, HLS has already been 4 months NC. That is just enough time for the fog to clear enough for one to see the runway. She may not have been on this board to receive her Tweener Wings but this is why the 3 month mark needs to be celebrated. It's around that time when we can begin to fly again. I also noticed she hasn't been back either and I
~Iddy~
HLS,
Your post wont just help the newbies, it helps all of us. Wether we are 4 days NC or 4 mths or 4 yrs, those are words to remind us
Hello!
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for all the very kind words and support!! Your responses to my post are helpful and greatly appreciated. I'm not sure I'm as confident as my words sound, but I will eventually be with supportive friends like all of you. I have been a "lurker" on this board for a long time, and it is the wisdom of the posters here (no matter at what stage of their recovery) that has helped me get to the point where I might be able to help in return!
Yes, 4 months NC is a long time in the life of an affair (especially when I had daily contact witb my xAP, as we were co-workers), and I continue to struggle, but the bad feelings wax and wane more at this point. One thing I'm surprised about is that the lifting fog is very subtle...without realizing it I'm not thinking about my xAP and the A as much. The pain that I thought would NEVER subside is still there, but in a different, more manageable way. (One warning is that I've realized that even though the affair has ended, wallowing in the pain keeps me engaged in the experience - still a dangerous place to be.) But NC, support with wonderful women like all of you, and just plain time are the key ingredients, I believe, to recovery.
A poster asked if my marriage has ended - No, I am still married and have been for over 25 years. My marriage has been good for the most part, but there have obviously been issues that made me allow myself to be involved in an A. Though I feel there are NO reasons that permits an A, the attention of my xAP seemed to help fill the void I felt with my H. And like everyone else on here, my xAP seemed to be my soul mate, we just "fit". Thus, the ball got rolling...
So now, I'm facing the "loss" of my R with my xAP and having to face the issues of my marriage that the A allowed me to suppress/avoid. I'm not sure how things will end at this point, I'm taking it a day at a time and trying to refocus the energy I spent on the A back into my marriage and the rest of my life. Either way, I will have a clearer head without all the fog of the A clouding my focus!
Again, I so appreciate your kind words and will post as often as I can. I know that any strength I have gained has come from the wise women on this board and I am grateful that we are all here to support each other. We're gonna do this!!!
Hugs to everyone!!!!
HLS :)