What do you think? Am I a fool to wait??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
What do you think? Am I a fool to wait??
12
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 12:37pm

Sorry this post is long, but I value your opinion and experience. Do I hold out hope or Do I need a kick in the head?

This email arrived this morning from xMM. I want so much to believe he will not be attracted to his W, and leave her, he says has never had chemistry with her (always had trouble maintaining an erection, even on honeymoon),he relized he/she were nothing more than close friends, now because he misses the kids he wants to try again...thinking he had self-esteem problems (he never had these problems with any other woman he has been intimate with):

"W and I have spoken more in the past few days and an attempt at reconciliation seems likely from the way she's acting, although nothing has been discussed about seeing a therapist or doing things to actively "save" the marriage. During these discussions, there are times when I feel heartened at the prospects of having a different type of relationship with W and being able to remain a part of the girls' lives 24/7. BUT (and this is the biggest BUT I could ever type), there were moments while we were talking that I was literally paralyzed with anxiety at the prospects of being intimate with her. While I care about W (in the same way you care about H), I haven't yet mustered up even 1% of the "desire" I would need to have a successful longterm intimate relationship with her. If you don't believe ANYTHING else I tell you, you must believe me when I say that I am NOT saying this to give you false hope, but rather, to honestly reflect why my separation from YOU is so troubling for me. At these moments when I became paralyzed, I thought to myself, "I'm kidding myself about the longterm prospects regarding W, AND I've jeopardized the most wonderfully intimate relationship I've ever shared by putting Diana through all this!!" I then have to suppress the fear/paralysis so that I can forge ahead with the attempt at reconcilation, because I know that it's still too early for me to feel as though I've given it an honest effort."

I will be using the next weeks or months to get in touch with my actions, to understand who I am, and how to have a successful intimate relationship for the LONG term. I do believe that what you and I discovered would be the foundation for something wonderful, but I also believe that if I don't make changes to the way I treat and communicate with you (or whoever is in my life), the relationship will face big challenges somewhere down the road.

I won't be writing again for a while, out of respect for your desire to have space and distance and closure (although I HATE that word!!!) While I don't want to "tempt" you into doing something which isn't good for you, I would like you to know that you can email me anytime you like, whether it is to share something good (or bad) that has happened, to resolve a curiosity or pose a question, or simply to say hello.

I love you.

xMM"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 1:11pm

Diana,

You don't need a kick in the head - maybe somewhere else and I don't mean to be harsh. I believe you would be unwise to wait while the fence sitter decides what to do. Try to make a go of your marriage if you believe it is salvageable, otherwise get a divorce and move on with your life.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 2:18pm

Yep, that's what I was afraid of...I am still the outsider...they are still married...he is not mine...and I need to move on with my life. And figure out what to do about H, I am fence sitting too.

Thanks

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 2:35pm

I am so glad you posted that! I copied it for myself to read, because I could see myself getting the SAME EXACT MESSAGE sometime down the road, and I DO NOT WANT THAT MESSAGE!

SO, it gave me some strength to perhaps try to sever ties completely before I get in way over my head with my emotions.....

(((hugs)))

I'm here for you (-:

Tappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 3:28pm

Hope

I have to agree with you and ICO, leave the fence sitter alone and deal with your real life.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 8:36pm

No matter how he paints it........He will be trying very hard to have a good, close,

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 8:49pm

I would have to agree with the previous posters, and I am only going from my own experience and research on this subject. You need to do yourself a favor and not wait around for him.

The letter he wrote to you was eerily similar to e-mails I have received from my xMM. While the first one he sent me (after our breakup and I had moved a couple of states away) made me giddy with delight at the fact he missed me, the ones I received a few months later just made me sick. The chronology went like this: I ignored an e-mail from him that arrived one month after our breakup. I thought those were the final words I would ever hear from him, had closure, and started my healing process. Two months later, he e-mailed me again out of the blue wishing me success in grad. school, which he knew I was starting. For some reason, I didn't ignore him this time, somewhat out of trying to be polite and somewhat to let him know it not acceptable for him to e-mail me anymore if he was married (a combination of pride and newfound ethics since ending the affair). I responded very generically, something along the lines of, "Thanks for the good wishes. Doing fine. I'm sure you understand we can't communicate unless you're divorced from your wife." He responded in some cryptic way, which made it difficult for me to know if he had been divorced. When I asked, he said he was still married, but was basically unhappy, thought about me all of the time, yadda yadda yadda. I ignored his final e-mail and cut if off for good.

Basically, the reason I am telling you this story is that by holding on to hope to these e-mails from xMM, you are not allowing yourself time to work on yourself or your current relationship with your H (if you want to work it out, that is). I know it's hard to be tough with him...trust me...I still love my xMM on a very visceral level as well. However, think about if his actions (not just words) show that same love towards you? When I posed the question to xMM in my e-mail back to him of why in the he!@ he was contacting me if he was still married and had strict rules of NC, do you know his response? It made HIM feel better to let me know how he was feeling. HIM!! See, it's all about the xMM; he doesn't care how you're feeling when he randomly pops back up in your life across your e-mail server, thereby interfering with your healing and making you rethink everything. I see the contacts from them that say how much they love us, but they "can't" be with us as a way of still having the high in the affair and the secrecy that goes along with it. Bottom line: the more they e-mail when they are in the process of supposedly working it out at home, the more we shouldn't want to be with them because they are still lying and cheating, even after being given a second chance at home.

Ask yourself if that is the type of man you want to be with.

Just my humble two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:09pm

I wouldn't "wait" while he is making love and trying to rekindle

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 10:54pm

Love

You are so very right. I hated to hear it, but it is the cold truth. The image of him being intimate with her pouring his heart into it, the vision of them making love together, it hurts too much to be angry right now. I am devestated...beyond words.

Thanks for caring.

I am going to bed now, my H is still in it for now...he moves out first week in Dec. We haven't been intimate since the affair...I hope I am strong enough not to 'use' him in my sorrow...because it is all I want to do is have him hold me close. I know he would if I asked, but it is wrong of me to use him and play with his emotions.

God help me, I am a wreched human being right now.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:28am

I won't say you're a fool, HOWEVER, I suggest the following for your consideration:


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:46pm

Hope, you are FAR from wretched.

Love

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