What do you think? Am I a fool to wait??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
What do you think? Am I a fool to wait??
12
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 12:37pm

Sorry this post is long, but I value your opinion and experience. Do I hold out hope or Do I need a kick in the head?

This email arrived this morning from xMM. I want so much to believe he will not be attracted to his W, and leave her, he says has never had chemistry with her (always had trouble maintaining an erection, even on honeymoon),he relized he/she were nothing more than close friends, now because he misses the kids he wants to try again...thinking he had self-esteem problems (he never had these problems with any other woman he has been intimate with):

"W and I have spoken more in the past few days and an attempt at reconciliation seems likely from the way she's acting, although nothing has been discussed about seeing a therapist or doing things to actively "save" the marriage. During these discussions, there are times when I feel heartened at the prospects of having a different type of relationship with W and being able to remain a part of the girls' lives 24/7. BUT (and this is the biggest BUT I could ever type), there were moments while we were talking that I was literally paralyzed with anxiety at the prospects of being intimate with her. While I care about W (in the same way you care about H), I haven't yet mustered up even 1% of the "desire" I would need to have a successful longterm intimate relationship with her. If you don't believe ANYTHING else I tell you, you must believe me when I say that I am NOT saying this to give you false hope, but rather, to honestly reflect why my separation from YOU is so troubling for me. At these moments when I became paralyzed, I thought to myself, "I'm kidding myself about the longterm prospects regarding W, AND I've jeopardized the most wonderfully intimate relationship I've ever shared by putting Diana through all this!!" I then have to suppress the fear/paralysis so that I can forge ahead with the attempt at reconcilation, because I know that it's still too early for me to feel as though I've given it an honest effort."

I will be using the next weeks or months to get in touch with my actions, to understand who I am, and how to have a successful intimate relationship for the LONG term. I do believe that what you and I discovered would be the foundation for something wonderful, but I also believe that if I don't make changes to the way I treat and communicate with you (or whoever is in my life), the relationship will face big challenges somewhere down the road.

I won't be writing again for a while, out of respect for your desire to have space and distance and closure (although I HATE that word!!!) While I don't want to "tempt" you into doing something which isn't good for you, I would like you to know that you can email me anytime you like, whether it is to share something good (or bad) that has happened, to resolve a curiosity or pose a question, or simply to say hello.

I love you.

xMM"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 8:19pm

I would like to say yes, you are a fool to wait, however, whether you're a fool or not really doesn't have anything to do with it. The truth is, if you still have hope that it will work, you will wait regardless, even if you don't realize it. I just hope that while you are "waiting" that you go on with your life and see what it brings for you in the meantime. Maybe, if he does decide eventually that he will be with you, you may not want him, or maybe you will if you're still available. I'm just saying not to put your life on hold because of him. As you move on, you will see more clearly that you waited for nothing. And it will feel good to come to that realization. I can't wait until I'm able to do that!!!!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:02pm

Dear Hope:

He sounds so SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED just like my xMM. But reading it when its someone I'm not in love with shows me just what I had too! That letter made me so MAD for you. What a complete PR#@$!!! You have gone through HE$$ for him and this is how he leaves you and all he can say is he is sorry he can't have good sex with his W!!! Don't ever let him have that again with you-----EVER!!!! He so doesn't deserve you. And I know you love him. And my x is just like him and I love him too. How can these men be so self absorbed? We allow them to get away with this.

I am so sorry.

Survive

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