What does this mean?
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| Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:09pm |
Well, yesterday he called several times. We talked nonchalantly about nothing really. He went and got me these movies I have been wanting. I went to his apt to get them. He was leaving out in the early morning to go on vacation (a long distance drive). We didn't talk much at all. We went to sleep together. No s*x or anything. I just laid on his chest and we fell asleep. We woke up about 11:30 pm, he jumped in the shower. I gave him a hug (it was like hugging a teacher or something). I told him to have a safe trip. I went home. That was it. I couldn't sleep. I called his cell about 2 am and he didn't answer. Should I be thankful?
Remind you all....he is on vacation next week, returns to the area but is moving permanently 12 days later to go overseas so I will not see him at work anymore. This was the good-bye. Neither of us said it, but we both know. It was strange. Don't know what to make of it all. I feel awful. Weeks ago...he said this wasn't easy for him either so I guess acceptance is my next step.
Thanks for listening. Any replys would be greatly appreciated.
SS

He is trying to hold on to you as much you are him but the thrill is gone....the thrill is gone away. (i've got my blues glasses on now!!! ha ha)
You're right, acceptance is the next step. Accept that what you had was fun and served it's purpose in your life. Accept that not everything lasts forever and maybe it is not supposed to. Close that chapter of your life but keep on reading because the books not done yet. The next chapter is where it gets much happier and you and your H iron out all your silly qualms and live happily ever after (i'm a sucker for a happy ending!!!)
~keep your head up sunshine! Cuz spring is on it's way!
~nuttmeg
Thanks, Nutt.
I can't explain the ackwardness but maybe you hit it on the head. He doesn't want to let go either. I romanticized the A so long that I guess I was romanticizing this dramatic good-bye like seen on TV. There is much wisdom in your words...especially these.
<<< Accept that what you had was fun and served it's purpose in your life. Accept that not everything lasts forever and maybe it is not supposed to.>>>
SS
<<< Accept that what you had was fun and served it's purpose in your life. Accept that not everything lasts forever and maybe it is not supposed to.>>>
This is exactly what some brilliant soul told me once after I had lost a 20 year friendship with a woman over differences of opinions, someone I had been best friends with since our teenaged years.
Those words alone, helped me move forward with my life without her. She told me some people are in your life for a few moments or a few years. No matter how short or how long the long relationships, they may not be meant to last forever, but rather serve a purpose during that time in your life. She went on to say, that now is the time to let new people into your life and to let go of the past. When my friend was part of my life, it served me well, but I could see that we really both needed to go in different directions.
I suppose I should have applied that to my current situation, as it is also relavant here. It was definately time to move on from this, because neither of us had ever intended to make a real relationship out of it anyway..and I KNOW that I certainly don't want an A for the next 5, 10, or 20 years of my life. So where was it to go anyway?
HP-
<<>>
I told myself this million upon million of times. It still hurts to swallow it all....take it all in.
SS
Sunshine
Big HUgs! Is is time to accept it but dont expect it overnight!
Do you feel better you had that moment? Will if give you peace durign the rough times? I hope. Stay strong and focused!
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Not really....it was strange. Although part of me is very glad I didn't break down like a pathetic fool and further humiliate myself even more than I have already. I have thought alot about what HP posted and took it to heart. Sometimes people really don't know how and when to end things that have already run their course and maybe fate has provided me the opportunity to end it b/c I couldn't of any other way as much as I needed to for the sake of my family and my sanity. Also, I think he knew with H being home, how tormented I felt and was willing to step back so I don't detroy my life.
Some people may not agree with me...but I read through all of the emails I still have from December (the ones from July to December were deleted in one of my attempts to end things awhile ago) and one of my emails to him really stood out to me. I told him it moved far beyond a s*xual A long ago for me when we carried on like it was a real relationship by phoning multiple times a day, throughout the night, emailing each other all the time, spending nights & weekends together even when s*x was not an option, going to dinner, the movies, doing things that committed people do for each other....etc. Because we both were virtually living like we were separated (his wife gone, my husband gone). If that makes any sense at all. So even though in hindsight it was still very much an A, it "seemed" like a real relationship b/c we had the opportunity to be together, do more things than most APs can and do.
I have said it before that today, tomorrow and for however long it takes me to heal...I have to think that I meant something to him as well. It was not just a booty call. I think few go into an A thinking they will fall in love. I didn't intend to, I am not sure in the blur of it all that I loved him or was just really, really infatuated with him. I'm sure time will provide me the opportunity to realize my truth. He had one up on me because he maintained a tight grip on his perspective of what this was; he remained focus and knew it would never go anywhere. I absolutely cannot sit here and focus my energy on the why's and why nots. He has served his purpose in my life.
Sorry so long. This place provides me an outlet to all my emotions, thoughts. People really "get it" here. Thanks for all the understanding and words of encouragement.
SS