What does the OW deserve when ending A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
What does the OW deserve when ending A.
8
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 10:51am
I am ending the affair today for the last time. I am gettin off the fence, and woking on my marriage with my DW. I have told the OW several times in the past it is over, but it never really was, since I continued to talk to her. The last time was two weeks ago, told her I was going to work on the M, but wasn't sure it would work. (something to keep her tagging along). So of course she e-mailed as friends then the phone calls started. Now it has to end. Does she deserve a phone call or meeting to let her know again it is over? I kept her hooked but do I need to tell her not to call, or should the NC start now, cold turkey. I don't want to talk to her again, it is very difficult to slip into that feeling that maybe I shouldn't completely end it, and this time I want it to end. I have to be strong and devote my effort to my W. Start counseling again. Put as much distance between the me and the OW as possible. Do I owe the OW anything? My W. says NO. and I believe that's the way it should end. Abruptly. Completely. NC. Give the marraiage a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 11:21am
Oh my I feel like you do owe the OW something. Speaking as the OW I know when my A ended I was as hurt as the W was. I mean you both made a decision to go into this A. Just because she is not the W does not mean that you should not take her feelings into consideration. Yes you should work on your Marriage but I think cutting the OW off "cold turkey" will only add to her pain. I did not deserve the pain I encountered and neither does she. Doing something wrong does not mean you should have to suffer. I can only say that the pain of losing you will hurt her enough, PLEASE find the appropriate way to end this. I can't give advice on that part since my battle is still going on.

Good luck,

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 11:35am
I think you need to tell the OW that it's over for good. Tell her just what you told us -- you want to work on your marriage and NC is best. You can block her e-mails (which will be best if you're tempted to read them).

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 1:01pm
Type out an email and let your wife read it. Tell the OW that you are dedicated to your marriage and that you want to be with your wife. Tell her that you are immediately initiating no contact and will not respond to any contact from her.

This is all you need to say. Then block her IMs and emails. If you have been contacting each other on a cell phone, have the number changed. She will soon get the message that this time you are serious about ending it. Your wife will feel comforted that you have truly set-up a no contact situation.

Then stick with it. The worse thing you can do is to keep stringing along your wife and your OW. Be a man for heaven's sake and stick by your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 6:20pm

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!! Follow everything that iv says in this post Fantasy.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:15am
OK, it's done. We talked about an e-mail, but went with a phone call. She called this morning on the way to work, on my cell phone. My W knew this would happen and was a little nervious about not being there. I told the OW I was going to work on the M and couldn't communicate with her and give my M a fair chance. I couldn't talk to her anymore. I asked her not to call me. She was very upset, couldn't understand why I wanted to do this. Said I was ending any chance of being with her. I know this is all true, but it is the only way to work on re-building. It still hurts. But I am going to be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:19am
Fantasy,

What you owe the OW is the dignity of letting her go. Of course, she should be told, which it sounds like you did. Other than that, you don't really "owe" her anything other than respecting your own decision and her feelings. NC is the ONLY way to accomplish this. If you cared about this woman at all, stay away from her and let her live her life while you live yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:33am
Well hey there, Fantasy. Congrats on ending your A and making a decision to work on your marriage. I just wanted to give you my .02 here, since I did a very similar thing. My XMM was going along thinking everything was just fine. He and I had been talking for a long time about taking it to the next step - ending our marriages and starting a life together. I always thought that one day I would wake up ready to do just that, but as time went forward, I started to feel things for my DH again. As soon as I realized that, I knew I had to end the A. So I was brutally, brutally honest in a telephone conversation with XMM on night. We talked for about 2 hours and I couldn't tell him anything other than I had made a decision not to end my marriage. He was angry, confused, sad, every negative emotion in the world. That was 9 months ago, and I haven't spoke to him since. He has sent the occasional text message, and I admit that I have responded to about 20 percent of them. Otherwise, I'm devoting all of that energy to my DH and things are going remarkably well.

I have frequently felt that XMM must have thought I had some psychotic episode back in February. I mean, how do you go from telling someone that you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them, to telling them its over and meaning it. I know he believed I'd change my mind - he told me "you'll be back." I told him that if it was meant to be, it would be.

In those first few weeks after we broke up, he sent me several gifts, left voice messages, sent text messages - none of which I responded to. I feared that I was not only being psychotic, but rude as well. When someone sends a gift you thank them for it or at least acknowledge the gesture, right? Wrong. He was being manipulative by setting up a situation be believed would force me to contact him so he could make another pitch for the A.

I'm glad I handled things the way I did. I do not believe I got "closure," whatever that is, except that for the most part this man is out of my life and, on good days, out of my thoughts as well.

So what do you owe the OW? Not much, really. Just don't string her along, as the other posted advised as well. You owe her not to keep popping up in her life and sending mixed messages. Now that you've told her your decision, don't create any confusion for her. Just let her go. JMHO. Best of luck. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 1:05pm

Very Good Fantasy..... Make sure that you are open and honest with your wife regarding any and all communication with the OW.

Love