What else can I do????????
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| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:53am |
I have a question and I know some of you will be able to help me out with this. H keeps asking me if this is what I really want. He wants to know if I really want to be there with him and work on our M. He asks this repeatedly every day and I always give him the same answer, "If I didn't want to be here and work on our M then I wouldn't. I screwed up big time and I have to do whatever it takes to make things right with you." Sometimes he just walks away and others he continues with asking how he knows that 6 months from now I won't change my mind and go back to OM? I just tell him that there are no guarantees in anything but that I don't want to lose him or our family and that I love him.
Now I know this is going to happen a lot especially since it has only been a week since D Day, is there anything else I can say or do to help H with all of this? I really have been trying to change and do things at home differently so that H can see that I am changing and that I want to work things out. Last night H told me that what I have been saying about him getting stuck on certain things regarding what I did were not helping and that we had to start getting past those things and dealing with them, otherwise we don't have a chance is starting to make sense to him and he is going to start trying deal with them. He realizes that just thinking about these things is driving him crazy. I know that is a big step for him and I do know that there are still going to be questions and discussions but I think maybe we can move forward a little.
Any suggestions or advice? Thanks for your support.
DAF

I'm in the process of rebuilding with DH. Different circumstances since I asked for a separation on the basis that I had strong feelings for someone else and this was long before anything physical happening with exOM.
Remember, your DH has been given some shocking news. Shock, denial, anger, fear, grief and eventually acceptance are just some of the emotions he will be dealing with and will be for some considerable time to come. Read through the Betrayed Spouses boards for some insight insofar as what he may be feeling/experiencing.
Marriage counselling has helped us a great deal. At the beginning of that counselling it was simply that it was a safe place to speak openly and honestly about how we felt about everything from my EMA to his EMA many years ago to how we each pictured the relationshp in one year, five years, ten, etc. In the end, it's been a learning process and brought us much closer together now that we have addressed the fundamental problems in the foundation of the marriage and work towards maintaining that stronger foundation.
Remember, too, Daf, this isn't about you and your feelings, it's about DH and his feelings.
For a little perspective, I am 9mos post-EMA and DH still occasionally asks me if I'm planning on hanging around. It's more of an in-joke these days, even an acknowledgement of just how far we have come together, but I will always gladly reassure him whether it's one week, 9mos or 20yrs post-EMA.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Thanks for your reply, it helps a little. I don't think that right now we are ready for marriage counseling but I am starting individual counseling within the next few weeks. I have suggested to H that maybe he should find someone to talk to and he has shot down that idea. I have also told H after I figure out what is wrong with me and why I did all of this then I hope he will come to counseling with me and he said he would. I think it is still too fresh in H's mind and will just take time, and I am trying to do everything I can to convince him this is what I want and that I still love him.
I won't lie H doubting what I am telling him hurts, but I caused this so I have no one to blame but myself. I know that the healing process has to be at H's pace, I am not in control and have to accept that. I do know that it is not about me and my feelings but H's and I am trying to deal with that. I am trying not be the "spoiled brat" that I usually am. I understand what you are saying that even 9 mos. later H still thinks about if this is what you want, but how do you deal with that? Honestly I don't know how long H's questions will continue and how long he will be doubting that this is what I really want (I doubt myself sometimes) but how can I cope with it so that I don't give H any reason to doubt me?
I know that my questions, might not be able to be answered, but I am just trying to figure out how best to deal with everything. It hit me today when I saw OM sign on that he is out of my reach. How do you deal with ending the A and not showing any emotions with it? I won't let H see how much ending with OM bothers me because that in itself will destroy any hope of us working on things. I promised H that I would have no more contact with OM and I really mean to stick to that. I know I have to let OM go from my heart and I know that one day I will get there.
Thanks for listening and sharing with me.
DAF
I know a young woman in the same boat as yourself, what has work well for her was to let her husband see her working on herself in an ongoing manor, it was not easy for them and they will be at this for some time to come but it did make a very big difference "OVER TIME" that he could see that she was serious about getting her act together.
I strongly suggest that you delete XOM from your buddie list ASAP and change your own name or stop IM completely.
Free
When DH & I started MC, it was really a matter of this marriage could go either way here, but we intended to be truthful and open. Want to talk about issues? I have a 22mos old daughter fathered by exOM.
Very long story cut short, DH & I remained close friends all during our 3.5yr separation, DH attended the birth of my DD and held my hand in labour (exOM was apparently unavoidably detained), DH chose her name from two we'd picked and insisted she take his/my married name, supported this first time mommie through the first few difficult but rewarding months, and is DD's biggest cheerleader in every milestone achieved. Together DH & I are happily raising my daughter as a family.
Probability was high and there was every chance that it might have turned out to be counselling towards an amicable divorce since neither of us had the faintest idea what the hell we actually wanted or if such a grandiose mess could ever be sorted.
The biggest opponent to MC on the face of the planet was my own DH. He really truly did NOT want to be talking to someone else about what he perceived as OUR problems. I basically said I didn't see that we stood a chance without MC and he agreed albeit reluctantly and complained bitterly all the way to the session.
After literally dreading that initial session, he had to stick his hands up in the air afterwards and say that this was exactly what we needed. Most amazing of all, DH actually began to look FORWARD to our Monday night sessions! I did, too, but then I'd wanted the MC in the first place lol.
IC is all good. After much time spent in IC, I actually feel like I know who I am for the first time in my just turned 40yrs. I literally felt as though puzzle pieces that had always been half-hidden were finally falling into place making a whole picture for the very first time. There is a huge amount of strength in knowing exactly why you found yourself making bad choices. Self-knowledge is priceless and also arms you sufficiently to never again have to repeat those bad choices. Of course, none of this is much comfort to those we hurt along our way who would naturally have preferred we gained self-knowledge in any other fashion imaginable rather than at their expense. And they'd be right, too.
As for how to manage grieving the loss of your EMA and not hurting DH by doing so, you have two choices, neither are easy. Either you keep it to yourself and mourn in private thus maintaining the current status quo of lies & withheld information -or- you level with DH. He wants answers to questions he hasn't even begun to think of yet. Rather than allow him to wonder, you have the option of being honest and truthful. I wasn't prepared to do this outside of an MC session to start with.
Be patient with him and be patient with yourself, too. His life as he knows it has just been turned on its head. Shock needs to die down some for both of you. Time and what you do with that time (ie, fill it constructively or dwell on what you're missing out on with exOM - get my drift here?) is necessary to begin scabbing over those deep wounds.
The pain and aching for exOM really does fade the longer you are away from that particular fix. You begin to realise that you were in love with an idea of who he was rather than who he actually is. Remember, too, that exOM is out of reach because YOU put him there. It's empowering to know that much. YOU have made a choice to work on rebuilding your marriage.
YOU, Daf, are the Captain of your own ship and are setting sail out of ugly, dangerous waters into a place filled with integrity, self-worth and ultimately some day even peace. I've managed to regain my integrity and self-worth and still strive towards finding peace with myself and my actions. It takes courage to set out for uncharted waters, hon, but I know that you have it in you to get there.
Waffle over.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I just want to say thank you to both of you. H and I hit another bump last night but I think we worked thru it. H made some comments and they hurt but I know it is just him lashing out and after we talked it was better. Even this morning H apologized for making his comments and I told him he has every right and nothing to apologize for.
I promise you Free that I will take OM off my buddy list by the end of today (god grant me the strength for that!). I have already deleted OM from my address books and I am also going to delete his numbers from my cell.
Thank you again both of you, you both have given me hope and strength to get thru this and make the extra effort with H.
DAF
This is gonna bite you right on the bum for quite some time yet, so be prepared for it. You know that it is hurt & pain that's behind it, and while it's anything but easy, you can get through it if you can be honest when it's requested and offer up those hugs and reassurances when they're needed.
Don't forget to ASK your DH what you can do to make amends. "What do you need from me right now?" is a phrase I still utilise to this day because it works for us and makes us both focus on what's behind what we're saying/doing/thinking.
Chances are he won't know yet what he needs you to do since he's still dealing with shock and denial with a healthy measure of anger & hurt thrown in there, but keep asking, Daf, keep that door open for constructive communication.
Also allow yourself the time to deal with your own grieving, even if it's in the shower or on the drive in to or from work. The IC will also help a great deal with that.
Understand, too, that you may not truly know what it is you want from your marriage for some time yet. Equally, that goes for DH. Bombshells have been dropped and it's all panic-stations and time to contemplate the future isn't while there's high emotion flying around like mortar fire.
One thing I recall very clearly about ending my EMA is that one minute I wanted one thing and the next I wanted the complete opposite. Some moments I wanted to be with DH while the next moment I wanted a future of freedom. Only with the passage of time and with the dust settling a bit was I able to make anything approaching a clear decision on what I wanted in terms of the future. DH also had his own dust which needed to settle before he was able to make a decision with any clarity.
Whatever way this works out, Daf, we're here for you on good days and bad.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie