What feels worse about ending the aff...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
What feels worse about ending the aff...
10
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:57pm

What feels worse about ending the affair.



  • Giving up the affair partner.
  • Loss of excitement.
  • Loss of the special relationship.
  • The way it ended.
  • The fact that I betrayed my SO.


You will be able to change your vote.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:10pm
I think all of the reasons you listed make me sad about the A. Some days I feel so guilty about hurting my H and the next I feel this overwhelming loss of what I thought was a special friendship I had with MM. We shared so much of ourselves; for me it was't just the physical. There are days, today being one, when I am consumed with grief and I can't reason why. I have this huge whole in my heart and time hasn't seemed to heal it and now I'm wondering if it ever will. It's been almost 11 months and this pain just won't disappear and today I just wanted to phone him and tell him how much I missed him but I know I just can't. I do regret the end though, said things I didn't mean and maybe a part of me thought he would try to mend it all, but he didn't. He just walked away and never looked back and I can't let it go. How do you let it go and move on? I still haven't figured it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:32pm
Gefca I am sorry you are hurting tonight and am sending your a (((hug))). I don't know about beginning or ending affairs from personal experience, just what I have learned on these boards and life in general. I think we have to make up for something we have lost with something new, either improved relations with SO, a new friendship, hobby, self improvement effort, etc. My life has been enough of a rough ride without an A but I have been wishing for a passionate relationship with a woman that I was attracted to but then I think how tuff dating was and think the idea is a fantasy. It seems that there is allways some pain in relationships but you can't do without them. I hope I can get what I need out of the marriage I have.

TX

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 5:41pm
A lot of people are ending As without their SO being a factor. Why are you quitting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 5:46pm
There are a number of new people with new emotions on the board now so I wanted to bump it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:44am

This was a very difficult question for me. If I'm being completely honest, it's a toss-up between betraying my DH and losing my MM. I weighted the scale to reflect who I would miss most were he no longer in my life and my DH won out. As good as the A made me feel and as wonderful a man I believe xMM to be, he and I just don't have the history and the complete entwinement (not even sure that's a word, ;-) lol) of lives. There will be a void in my life that he filled, but losing my H would leave a gaping hole. No comparison.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 9:56pm

>>>There will be a void in my life that he filled, but losing my H would leave a gaping hole. No comparison.<<<

I saw a T.V. program in which women (not sure if it is any different for men) did not feel badly about betraying their spouse. I still wonder why stay married if the spouse really doesn't mean that much to a person or if they have hurt someone that much that it doesn't make a difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:13am

I'm sorry -- I guess I'm not sure if you're saying I should feel guilty or shouldn't be married or what. I don't know what you're trying to say. Can you clarify?

Thanks,

C-

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:53pm

>>>I'm sorry -- I guess I'm not sure if you're saying I should feel guilty or shouldn't be married or what. I don't know what you're trying to say. Can you clarify?

Thanks,<<<

I don't know if I can but I will try to be more clear with a personal example. My wife says that she loves me but we went through a number of years that I can only catagorize as verbal abuse. She would bait me into a conversation and then attack me for my opionion or suggestions. Our children were hard to raise and while I was struggling to raise them she would make all kinds of caustic remarks about me, one of the most pointed was saying that "your little family is a joke". I told her about a year ago that I had given up on loving her some time back that she was just too abusive. She said "you won't love me if I am not nice to you?" which seemed like an incrediable question to me.

So my question is, as clearly as possiable, if you betray someone you apparently love enough not to divorce them, then why is their no feeling of guilt over the betryal? I don't think that my wife feels any guilt over some very abusive things that she has done and says that she doesn't even remember doing them. I remember them and now understand the kind of a woman I am married to so I will never love her again to the point that she can hurt me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:59am

::side note fantasy thread hijacking moment:

txguy: divorce her, move to florida and find me =):::: Ok back to reality,

Appreciate that you FEEL. Please don't murder that part of you. I dont know you or your wife, but her way of thinking is not right...i don't care what the circusmstances are.

Love is a verb. Ive never been given the "pass" on being loved while not being nice. Ive never been not nice...i often wonder how women get the men they do get...what does a woman have to do to be loved? I wish someone would tell me what i am doing wrong when I see some women get it all and are horrible (in my opinion). NOt all women mind you ( i dont think like that at all). but some blow my mind...and it truely makes me cry at night...wondering...what ive done wrong (perhaps be too nice?? too emotional? too non-game playing and I am attracted to perhaps those who don't like that?) who knows

Sorry to hijack this thread...it just inspired those thoughts.
Please...........don't feel that YOU are the wierd one. (In my ignorant opinion) Marriage is not a license to be cruel to another. Just like being so desparate for love that I gave the benefit of the doubt when one has slighted me in small ways that I soon realized..whoa..that is not even a good friend action...(being critical). Love is not a contract. Marriage is however. I don't (and havent) entered into the contract because I saw that the Love *action* wasn't license for being cruel either. I may be overly sensative. But i don't think so. Love me or don't, anything else is too passive agressive for me. I have had to learn that. Keeps me from making a mistake I guess. I guess since I live on my own and only need someone for what they can give me emotionally...they run along because they can't stick around and have me "take the crap" because I am *stuck* because I am not. I want the real deep emotional supportive deal. I thought that is what it was all about. why bother otherwise. So Txguy..ask yourself...why dont you get divorced if you wont love her any deeper now. Why have an affair? Because you wont feel guilt now? I am not sure why you asked the other questions. ....or do i understand?
Lonely but safely living in dignity In Florida,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 8:52am

First of all, I apologize if I ever gave the impression that I felt no guilt over the affair. I DO, every day, and I don't blame anyone but myself. I was at a very vulnerable point and not thinking clearly, but I was still the one who went through with something I had complete control over.

Secondly, I am not like your wife. I did not verbally abuse my husband, and I am incredibly "nice" to him. We have been together for many years and we share a long history of "us against the world". I love him deeply and will forever mentally berate myself for betraying him and causing him more pain than he has already endured in his life.

However, I believe there was some reason why my xMM slipped past my defenses and in many ways he reminds me of my husband -- there is the same general goodness about them both. But when I commented on this thread, I was merely stating that my vote was based on who I would miss more... and my DH wins, HANDS DOWN! I did not, in any way, mean to say that I felt no guilt. I have plenty.

C-