What feels worse about ending the aff...
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What feels worse about ending the aff...
| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:57pm |
What feels worse about ending the affair.
- Giving up the affair partner.
- Loss of excitement.
- Loss of the special relationship.
- The way it ended.
- The fact that I betrayed my SO.
You will be able to change your vote.

TX
This was a very difficult question for me. If I'm being completely honest, it's a toss-up between betraying my DH and losing my MM. I weighted the scale to reflect who I would miss most were he no longer in my life and my DH won out. As good as the A made me feel and as wonderful a man I believe xMM to be, he and I just don't have the history and the complete entwinement (not even sure that's a word, ;-) lol) of lives. There will be a void in my life that he filled, but losing my H would leave a gaping hole. No comparison.
>>>There will be a void in my life that he filled, but losing my H would leave a gaping hole. No comparison.<<<
I saw a T.V. program in which women (not sure if it is any different for men) did not feel badly about betraying their spouse. I still wonder why stay married if the spouse really doesn't mean that much to a person or if they have hurt someone that much that it doesn't make a difference.
I'm sorry -- I guess I'm not sure if you're saying I should feel guilty or shouldn't be married or what. I don't know what you're trying to say. Can you clarify?
Thanks,
C-
>>>I'm sorry -- I guess I'm not sure if you're saying I should feel guilty or shouldn't be married or what. I don't know what you're trying to say. Can you clarify?
Thanks,<<<
I don't know if I can but I will try to be more clear with a personal example. My wife says that she loves me but we went through a number of years that I can only catagorize as verbal abuse. She would bait me into a conversation and then attack me for my opionion or suggestions. Our children were hard to raise and while I was struggling to raise them she would make all kinds of caustic remarks about me, one of the most pointed was saying that "your little family is a joke". I told her about a year ago that I had given up on loving her some time back that she was just too abusive. She said "you won't love me if I am not nice to you?" which seemed like an incrediable question to me.
So my question is, as clearly as possiable, if you betray someone you apparently love enough not to divorce them, then why is their no feeling of guilt over the betryal? I don't think that my wife feels any guilt over some very abusive things that she has done and says that she doesn't even remember doing them. I remember them and now understand the kind of a woman I am married to so I will never love her again to the point that she can hurt me.
::side note fantasy thread hijacking moment:
txguy: divorce her, move to florida and find me =):::: Ok back to reality,
Appreciate that you FEEL. Please don't murder that part of you. I dont know you or your wife, but her way of thinking is not right...i don't care what the circusmstances are.
Love is a verb. Ive never been given the "pass" on being loved while not being nice. Ive never been not nice...i often wonder how women get the men they do get...what does a woman have to do to be loved? I wish someone would tell me what i am doing wrong when I see some women get it all and are horrible (in my opinion). NOt all women mind you ( i dont think like that at all). but some blow my mind...and it truely makes me cry at night...wondering...what ive done wrong (perhaps be too nice?? too emotional? too non-game playing and I am attracted to perhaps those who don't like that?) who knows
Sorry to hijack this thread...it just inspired those thoughts.
Please...........don't feel that YOU are the wierd one. (In my ignorant opinion) Marriage is not a license to be cruel to another. Just like being so desparate for love that I gave the benefit of the doubt when one has slighted me in small ways that I soon realized..whoa..that is not even a good friend action...(being critical). Love is not a contract. Marriage is however. I don't (and havent) entered into the contract because I saw that the Love *action* wasn't license for being cruel either. I may be overly sensative. But i don't think so. Love me or don't, anything else is too passive agressive for me. I have had to learn that. Keeps me from making a mistake I guess. I guess since I live on my own and only need someone for what they can give me emotionally...they run along because they can't stick around and have me "take the crap" because I am *stuck* because I am not. I want the real deep emotional supportive deal. I thought that is what it was all about. why bother otherwise. So Txguy..ask yourself...why dont you get divorced if you wont love her any deeper now. Why have an affair? Because you wont feel guilt now? I am not sure why you asked the other questions. ....or do i understand?
Lonely but safely living in dignity In Florida,
Lizzie
First of all, I apologize if I ever gave the impression that I felt no guilt over the affair. I DO, every day, and I don't blame anyone but myself. I was at a very vulnerable point and not thinking clearly, but I was still the one who went through with something I had complete control over.
Secondly, I am not like your wife. I did not verbally abuse my husband, and I am incredibly "nice" to him. We have been together for many years and we share a long history of "us against the world". I love him deeply and will forever mentally berate myself for betraying him and causing him more pain than he has already endured in his life.
However, I believe there was some reason why my xMM slipped past my defenses and in many ways he reminds me of my husband -- there is the same general goodness about them both. But when I commented on this thread, I was merely stating that my vote was based on who I would miss more... and my DH wins, HANDS DOWN! I did not, in any way, mean to say that I felt no guilt. I have plenty.
C-