what a fool believes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
what a fool believes
6
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 12:04pm

And it begins.... the bashing of my stupidity.


Yes, I have been a fool. I did NC for 7 weeks. I did not contact him, he did not contact me and then I read something on here or somewhere else that he probably meant what he said at the time that he said it. Meaning when he told me he loved me he meant it at the time that he said it. So, I sent him a single email saying this. About a week later I got a phone call from him saying that he wrote me a letter and sent it to my office at work. Since that time we have been communicating by email and postal service. Until now... I have decided to start NC again. And why, you might ask. Bc my marriage is really bad. We are on the verge of separating- I am an emotional wreck. I am afraid though that I have become calloused towards OM and also my H. I have no desire to be with OM and I have no desire to be with H in a physical or emotional way. I don't want anyone to touch me in a sexual way. However, my H can no longer seem to exist with no sex. I know he deserves to have a woman in his life who loves him completely, however we do have two children and that is where my concern is. Yes, it should have been my concern before I started the A- my family, my kids, my H, but as you all know the fog can make all concerns disappear. Its not till later that you can see 'what the hell was I thinking'.


So, what am I coming to this board for- what am I asking for? I already know I have screwed up. I already know that the A was a fantasy. I guess I want to know if there is damage repair for my mind. Is it possible to get back to the place I was before the A ever started- to the place in my heart where I never thought I could betray my H and my kids- to the place in my heart where I did love my H or at least I thought that I did- (even though now I wonder if I ever did really love him). I know you will say NC is the way to damage repair but to achieve NC means to take on the withdrawal which is hard in itself

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 12:29pm

Hello Tess,


Big hugs because I know you are hurting. To answer one of your questions yes it is possible to get back the love you once felt for your H. I along with several others that post here are living proof of that.


It sounds like you are under an incredible amount of pressure and stress right now. I could suggest individual counseling. Once in IC you could talk to a professional about your situation who could guide you as to what to do with regards to your M.


I read some of your previous posts which indicate you know the pain continual contact with xAP will cause. I'm glad to read that you are doing NC which seems especially important now with all that you are going through. You don't need more pain from xAP.


Much love and hugs,


E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 12:35pm

tessa, I understand where you are coming from and have dealt with some of the same issues. I bet many of us here have as well.


<>


The way I see it, you can't undo something that has been done. BUT you can learn from it and let it make you a stronger and better person. That's a rather cliche way of putting it, but for me, that is a way I manage the guilt. I know I was wrong, I put everything in my life at risk. Now, I know what it all meant to me and how easily I could have lost it. Realizing that makes me a stronger person. And in a way it helps me deal with the struggle to reconnect with my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 1:25pm

Hi tessa,

(((hugs)))

The road to recovery is never smooth, don't beat yourself up over this. I'm replying because I can relate to how you are feeling. After ending my A I hooked up with a couple of guys but once I got further down the road and more into my self-recovery now I don't want anyone touching me sexually. It's like I am so focused on healing I need my peace and clarity. I need things not to be dramatic around me. I think once I get through this phase and feel I can be a good partner, I will feel more interested in that part of my life.

I know that doesn't really help with your situation (I don't have a H) but I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one feeling that way.

big hugs,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 2:38pm

Tess,


Give yourself time to heal from the fallout of the A.

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 4:28pm

ok; you fell off the wagon. you took the words that he meant what he said when he said it- here or from somewhere else?- and ran with it.

CL-Lovely Starr

"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 9:35am

Tess~


I can not give you anymore better advise then what these fine ladies have allready given.