What great advice, why can't I take it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
What great advice, why can't I take it?
13
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:14am

I have read everything on here in the last few days, you have a lot of time when you can't sleep. The stories are different but the pain is the same. When you guys are talking about how you feel inside and all the confusing feelings, I could have written it myself. What great advice everyone is getting from people that have already been there. My head tells me you are all right. No contact is best (not possible for me) limited contact then (been doing that). It is going to take time to heal, you have to go through the grieving, the guilt, and know that you want the affair to be over. Everyone seems to agree about the closure thing, (it's a bunch of crap). You can't stay friends with the person you have been considered your best friend for so long. You can't go back.

I still want to call him, I still need answers. I am still looking for closure. I don't want to conntinue this affair or feel so dependent on him, but I don't want to hate him either. This love/hate thing is driving me crazy. In my heart I know that he is not a bad man and that he never meant to hurt me, he was hurting too. I only feel better when I am mad at him for doing this to me, but didn't I do the same thing to him? I am more mad at myself right now that I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I thought I was a stronger person than this. I do want to get on with my life, try and work on my marriage. I can't do this and constantly be thinking of him. As I said your advice is probably right on the mark, but I just haven't got there yet. I will keep reading though and posting sometimes, maybe it will sink in. Thank you for listening

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:21am

hey depress,

it will take TIME, i am like u, at least now i know but still have all the feelings lingering, it is painful and your want to call, get contact but just resists as much as u can

call friends when u get the urge, in time u will get a clearer picture in your mind and u will be able to move on slowly, just live on day at a time and focus in your marriage and husband

i hope u are feeling well today

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:38am

I know how it's tough. It's hard if you don't have NC, it will maybe take more time. If NC is really, really impossible, try and limit contact and act towards xMM as coldly as you can. Not mean or bitter - just cold. I've been advised myself to stop thinking about the good moments and focus on the bad memories, when you were depressed and so on. I'm trying myself to try and start to despise my MM, it may sound a bit harsh but does he really deserve my love for making me feel like a cheap toy? If your A would have been a real relationship would you had accepted to be treated that way?

I'm doing the same thing as you, reading and posting because I'm going through a rough patch and trying to sort out things. I also want to work on my M because despite my past problems with H. I don't know either how to stop thinking of MM except by keeping busy as much as possible with anything else, work, hobbies, exercise. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 12:42pm
Hey Hang in there..it just takes time. Time and a whole range of emotions that may repeat themselves and recur and various stages. Maybe it will take even more time with contact. When I tried contact (just friendly emails) it just made me more bugged. Because I knew we'd never be where we were again, and it made me resent things more -seeing his "Friendly" words..knowing he was still getting what he wanted== "My friendship" out of the deal, when in fact, he had treated me like a toy as well. Mine even said he enjoyed having me "on his side"... I was like "I don't want to be on your side!" after what we'd been through and the constant cycle of push away, pull toward he had put me through. Just relax and get through each day the best you can. Distract yourself when possible, with new interests- things you like doing etc.
Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 1:00pm

The more I read the board the more it's helping me - but not in the way I expected.

I see the differences in my A from most (unforuately isn't not better just different). My MM gave me little emotional support vs. most on this board and makes me wonder why I'm doing/did this. I think it's that unavailibity and lack of consistent attention that is attracting me (leftover issue from childhood). I was mostly on my own with my feelings all the time. I hide the pain (for 9 years during the A) since I didn't think he would be sympathic to my neediness. I have/am suffering in silence. He knows that it's hard on me in general but as I go daily from extreme dispair, to anger, to missing him I do it alone. He has told me he doesn't feel deeply about anything (he's never told me he loves me). I used to think I *felt* his love but after reading this board it is dysfuncational even for an A! I actually think this should make it easier (that I don't lean on him for emotional support) - but well, here I am, miserable so who knows.

The second way mine is different is that we work extremely closely since we both own a business together. As sick as it sounds I actually think we do better business-wise when the A is on (I stopped it for 3.5 years and just recently allowed it to start again). I'm much more excited about working and much happier when the A is on. You'd think it would be enough that it's part my business to motivate me to work well - but when the A is off and I'm having to make constant decisons with him and I get annoyed and bitter much more quickly and take stand on stuff that I'd normally let roll off. I don't know if he does or not but I'd say "yes" since he and I almost got our own lawyers to fight out a business decision out one point when the A wasn't on. It's a built in punishment that I have to keep in constant contact with him now. I can never let myself get too bitter or repulsed by him or I fear what would happen to the business - it's my family sole source of income.

This board is unique in that there is no where else I can go to discuss this since I don't tell anyone, the folks here *really* understand the pain and are not judging me (even if I could tell folks in real life I think friends would look at me with wide eyes and not understand - no one feels sympathy for someone who is married and doing this), because the folks on here have been through it they don't sugar-coat the advice. In my case the advice has to be harsh since the desire is strong. I love the post of advice to a new person that ended: "And please do yourself a favor: assume you are the rule and not the exception" Yes, it feels so different because it's happening to ME.

The mystery is why am I driven by this attention that is clearly just sex on his side? I think I like the attention he does give me but it's never been enough and it always makes me depressed.

Okay, sorry for going on so long... but writing it out is making me see there is nothing it in for me. Then why is this such a problem to stop? I will have to think more about this because the answer is in there.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:48pm

Depressed, I think you already know the answer to your opening line question.


Or perhaps it's a case of "Why am I afraid to take it?".


It takes real courage to let go of something that has meant so much to oneself. Consider how many battered women choose to remain with their husbands and be repeatedly beaten.


The affair fed something in your psyche. It (the affair) is an insidious drug. It is an addiction. Addictions are hard to break. Discouragement is overwhelming at times. Yet not complete obstacles. Just momentary delays.


Let go of your fear.


You have the ability to let go of all that is holding you in this current place of despair.


Look forward to what you can do with your re-gained time for yourself.


Look forward to counseling sessions as learning times.


Recapture yourself, your self-esteem and your integrity......


You CAN step into the current void and walk through it successfully......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 12:33am

DP

It may be of little help to know this but the reality is that we all move through this thing at our own pace as they say you get there when you get there. Be patient with yourself and know that you will get there in due time EVERYONE DOES and so will you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 7:49pm

Depressed,

I haven't posted here in quite awhile, but something about your words made me want to respond...I guess because I am feeling the smae things. While I don't know your story, I share your pain, sadness and frustration. My affair started a year ago and ended 8 months ago. I have been through therapy, we have tried hating each other and being friends (currently in the NC mode, which I guess truly is best), but yet the battle goes on within myself. I struggle everyday. This week is especially rough - it is my anniversary with my DH and would have been my anniversary with xOM. Sick, and twisted, I know. I am fortunate enough to be able to say I walked away with my marriage in tact (I am one of the ones whose DH never found out)...wish i could say the same about my heart! Keep posting - I always found it theraputic!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:10pm

Diva

Nice to see that your still alive and kicking, don't give up the fight you will win. You have to expect trigger but the good news your next anniversary will not effect you this way (nither of them).

Hang in there kid.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:26pm

Hey Free!

Thanks for the support & glad to see your still around and helping out. I kinda dropped off the map for awhile...got back involved with xOM - sort of...we tried being friends, which quickly turned into FWB, which quickly turned into him not speaking to me again. Long story, but the outcome is the same - bad (I may send ya an email and give ya all the gory details! It would probably be good for me to spill my guts to someone). Trying to truly move on this time. 2 weeks of NC as of tomorrow.

H and I are going away to the same place for our anniversay that we went to last year...so far, I'm not looking forward to it because I keep remembering how I felt last year. xOM and I had just gotten involved - but of course, it was super intense from the get go! I spent the entire weekend thinking about him and wishing we were together. Hoping to make some new memories this year...

Diva




Edited 4/28/2005 10:25 pm ET ET by actressdiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:39pm

Diva

You know the old saying "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCEED TRY TRT TRY AGAIN", the only way to lose is to quit trying.

Now my dear for your smack on the BACKSIDE. the "FRIENDSHIP" thing does not work, way you ask because there rarely was anything healthy enough to call a true "FRIENDSHIP" in the first place to go back to, friends don't involve friends in self distructive crap like affairs.

You go and make them memories with DH, the ones with the XAH will fade in time.

Are you still seeing the T ???

Write anytime !

Free

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