What great advice, why can't I take it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
What great advice, why can't I take it?
13
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:14am

I have read everything on here in the last few days, you have a lot of time when you can't sleep. The stories are different but the pain is the same. When you guys are talking about how you feel inside and all the confusing feelings, I could have written it myself. What great advice everyone is getting from people that have already been there. My head tells me you are all right. No contact is best (not possible for me) limited contact then (been doing that). It is going to take time to heal, you have to go through the grieving, the guilt, and know that you want the affair to be over. Everyone seems to agree about the closure thing, (it's a bunch of crap). You can't stay friends with the person you have been considered your best friend for so long. You can't go back.

I still want to call him, I still need answers. I am still looking for closure. I don't want to conntinue this affair or feel so dependent on him, but I don't want to hate him either. This love/hate thing is driving me crazy. In my heart I know that he is not a bad man and that he never meant to hurt me, he was hurting too. I only feel better when I am mad at him for doing this to me, but didn't I do the same thing to him? I am more mad at myself right now that I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I thought I was a stronger person than this. I do want to get on with my life, try and work on my marriage. I can't do this and constantly be thinking of him. As I said your advice is probably right on the mark, but I just haven't got there yet. I will keep reading though and posting sometimes, maybe it will sink in. Thank you for listening

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:09am

noregret,

I don't think I ever responded to your post, but I have read it often. You said a lot of things that made me think. "Why am I afraid to take it"? I wish I knew the answer to that one.

Let go of your fear.

You have the ability to let go of all that is holding you in this current place of despair.

I think about this often, only I can get myself out of this place. Saying it and doing it are too different things. My mind justs keeps going back over the same things over and over again. I try so hard to concentrate on other things, but it never lasts. I guess I just need more time to grieve and get rid of the anger. I want so much to get on with my life. Is there something here that I am supposed to learn from this experience that I am just not getting? Do I have to go over it and over it until I get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:48am

hi depress,

how r u doing today?, just hang in there, time will heal, like u i dont have all the answers to all the questions of why we went into the affair or why we cannot let go

no contact will be the best for most of us, i think this is the solution for me personally, i hope u can find some peace and forgive yourself , me i cant find any of it yet

take care,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 11:15am

depressed,

I truly think you and I are at about the same place emotionally (our situations are slightly different in that there was much more emotional support for you in the A which will be hard... mine - there was something else unhealthy I'm getting out of mine that I'm analyzing now)... but we both are coming to that realization slowly that this is a deadend and we need to turn back towards our Hs. And I can tell our hearts and our minds aren't quite together yet but the cavern is narrowing.

You haven't mentioned in your posts if you ever want the A to go anywhere or if you were just happy with it "as is"... but this post has stayed with me (Free wrote it to lealavender several weeks ago - thank you!):

=====
"It "BEGINS" to change when you really decide deep down in your heart to let go to accept that it really is never going anywere ever and the time has come to move on with out him, but even with all of this it still takes time."
=====

In fact there are quite a few posts that I have to keep re-reading and it is helping my heart to change (my mind IS there but heart isn't 100%) and I am feeling stronger and better because of them. Some posts (like the one above) does still depress me but it's like I'm sailing and I finally have a target to sail towards. I know I have to get to that point and face my fear.

WIP

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