what happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
what happened
14
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 3:41pm

I have been looking at posts here the last few days. Have been emailing E1 some and she has been very helpful.

I am a married but my husband and I are basically separated, we are still living in the same house, him downstairs, me upstairs.

I began my affair in Feb. with a younger man that I had known casually for 10 yrs. He is married has a 5 yr. old and his wife is pregnant. I think she got pregnant about the time we started talking but before anything had happened between us. She had left him in Dec. and asked for a divorce but then had come back in Jan. She had cheated on him with 5 men in a 6 mos. period. Also some other things she had done and is not a very good mom to their daughter. He does most of the raising of his daughter.

We fell for each other very fast. But he pushed very hard for this to be an emotional affair also. I fell in love with him. He said he fell in love with me. Said a lot of the same things I have heard hear. We are soulmates. We were destined to be together. You are the epitome of everything I have been looking for in a woman. You take my breath away. Your love for me gets me through some dark days.

Anyway we sent texts back and forth all day everyday. He would text me before he went to sleep to tell me how much he loved me. He pushed for us to be more. He said he wanted to live with me. He said he wanted to leave his marriage and wanted me to be there. He said he couldn't imagine his future without me playing the major role in it. I never pushed or brought up him leaving his marriage. Tues. June 22 he sent me a text that said he was ready to leave his marriage was I willing. I told him I was but I was surprised and asked him if he was absolutely sure, he said he was. Wed June 23 we sent texts all day. He said there was nothing he wanted more than to live with me. We were able to see each other that night. Everything went great. He told me how much in love he was with me. We agreed we would talk before he did anything(leaving or talking to his wife). He sent me the normal text that night told me how much he loved me.

Thur. June 24 I didn't hear from him at all. Which was strange he sent me something every day. But he works for himself and does not work everyday and his wife doesn't work so I thought maybe he had been with her all day. I expected to hear from him that night though. I didn't get my goodnight text. About midmorning on Fri. I sent a text saying hey? I didn't get a response. Sent another that afternoon still no response. Sun I tried again. Finally Mon. I was furious I sent him a text and said F U maybe I should talk to your wife she might have answers for me. Guess what, he replied to that. Said boy have I been missing out I can understand you being upset but hostility and threats? What if something had happened. I apologized and told him I would never, ever do that but I was just wanting an answer that he had left me in an emotional limbo. He said his phone had broke on Thurs. and his new one didn't come in until that day. I don't believe that but I didn't tell him that.
Tues I sent him a text and asked if I was forgiven, he never responded. I sent a text about every other day, telling him how much he was breaking my heart, asking him to just tell me something, I would accept if this was over. He never responded.

Two weeks ago I stopped contacting him. I still have not heard one word from him. I fight trying to contact him every day. I am so confused, hurt, heartbroken, angry. I don't understand what could have happened. I just wanted an explanation. I still do. He always pushed for more and always needed my reassurance. I never dreamed he would do this. We never even had an argument.

Any advice would be appreciated. I also need help with keeping my willpower not to contact him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:00pm

((hugs)) Willow - and I am sorry you are hurting, feeling confused, used and foolish. Yup - that's what these As leave in the end.

What I wonder willow, is are you really wanting to end the A or just wanting support on not contacting him? From the sounds of it, you are just trying to manage the days without contact, waiting for him to fish for you - what lame explanation are you going to accept this time?

Are you really wanting to be an Ender? Are you blocking all avenues of contact, or sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because this JAM has decided to re-commit to his family? He has gone NC. He has realized hopefully the destructive nature of the A and wants out before he ruins his family beyond repair. If you care for him, continue NC ... if you care about yourself, put into place any and everything you need to to end the Affair. It is what it is. OVER.

If you are truly wanting to end this, then welcome to EAS. If you are looking for resolve to just make sure it is he who breaks NC first, then this isn't the board for you.

I hope we will be welcoming you here willow,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:03pm

Welcome Willow.


Sounds like he's gone because everything is fine and dandy with his wife.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:32pm

Thanks for the welcome.

While I don't know her personally. I know some of his family and know of her family. She is the wild woman he says she is. She was arrested for forging drug prescription because she was addicted to pain pills, stole from his family. etc,etc.

Maybe he wanted to feel good about himself by attracting someone completely opposite of her. He said she came from low class, I came from upper class. Not that it makes me any better. I am just trying to figure out what his motive in all this was.

I do want to be strong if he comes back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:42pm

I will admit I am feeling sorry for myself. I do miss him. I am more confused than anything.

I guess I thought this board was for help with the ending of an affair, no matter how it ended. Mine is obviously over. I am not trying to see who will break NC first. I am trying not to contact him for my sanity and to maintain some self respect.

I see his dad nearly everyday. If I was trying to keep this going, I would send a message by him. They work together and he used to come into my business with his dad, but guess what he never does now.

I admit I would still love an explanation for the sudden disappearance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:43pm

Hi Willow. I'm glad you have been reading here, and getting advice from E1 is worth it's weight in gold, so I am sure you already know what's going on here. It sounds to me like your SepXMM has made amends with his W and she gave him an ultimatum. This happens all the time when the WS goes in for the kill, (talks to their spouse about wanting a D), and miraculously ends up seeing the light. Either that, or he just plain chickened out and never told her anything. That happens a lot too. His disappearing on you speaks volumes, although we can understand how you wanted to hear the words come

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:53pm
Thanks. You have some great advice. You are right he has shown me the type of person he is. I need to forget all his sweet, wonderful words and look at his actions. I have to admit I have never been so fooled before. He deserves an Oscar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 8:22pm

Hello Willow,

I hear you - I can't imagine not having a final good-bye, even knowing that closure comes from within. And indeed, this board is for enders no matter how the A ended. Your original posts had me wondering if you were done with the affair, or simply waiting for him to contact you. I do NOT doubt your resolve to not contact him, I worry about if/when he comes around to you ...

Welcome.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 8:39pm
I understand. I worry about my resolve if he comes around also. I had a dream about him last night for the first time. Woke up and cried and cried. I just don't see how someone can be so heartless. I hope that is the last dream it brought it all back. No matter what he has done I can't get past seeing him as I thought he was. I hope with time that fades.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:25pm

Believe it or not, these men are not good men. He was cheating on his pregnant wife. Whether before or after you came along.

I second everything Iddy said. Men complain about their W's all the time, yet go home to them every night. They do that so we feel sorry for them. It's also easier for him to justify his bad behavior with you.

These men are heartless. My MM wife was pregnant too. I did not know he was married at first. He was married and had a child on the way and the min we had a dday he threw me so hard under the bus to save his marriage. Before that, he stated he would leave her and he was sure, he even lived with me for 2 weeks...thought I had the prize...thought I won. I put him out after we had to take care of some unfinished business. I put him out with all of his things and that was it. I never looked back.

I believe that had he told you it was over, it would have been just as painful. At least this way you can walk away with your head held high...even if he just stopped contacting you, you do not have to contact him again EVER and you can make it so he can never contact you again. I can imagine you waiting by your phone. I was a slave to mine...it was oure hell and beyond torture. It was like dying a slow death. It was like he lit a match and watched as I burned. Pain so excruciating that you wonder if you will stop breathing, the mental effects the physical and you wonder if you will ever be the same. It haunts you. It pervades every aspect of you. I know your pain and I remember feeling like the sun would burn me if I went outside....sound familiar at all?

I say this so that you will see me and how far I have come. That pain goes away. I swear it does. Leave him to the wind. Stay here and post. Let us help you thru, its not easy but well worth it in the end.

Even if he does ever call, would it matter? Even if he left her (which he won't), would you want him? Would you want a man who cheats on his wife and leaves his child and a newborn? Is that what you think you deserve... they use us for their benefit and when they are done, we are just extra baggage they wished they could just shed.

Your guys sounds a lot like mine, says all the right things, and I think he may eventually come around as soon as things settle down again on the home front, if you have no resolve to not respond, then block him every way.
Are you willing to change your number?Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida




Edited 7/22/2010 11:50 pm ET by luvinmeforever10
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:49pm

Yes everything you said sounds familiar. You know exactly what I am going through. Every time my phone beeps saying I have a text, I hope it is him. When I look and don't see his number the disappointment is great.

It is funny, the last night I saw him which was also the day after he had said he was ready to leave her. He was real nervous about getting home before she got back home. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to leave does it? If he was ready to leave what did he care if he wasn't home when she got home?

He was and is a very weak man.

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