What happened to "Sisterhood"
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 7:39am |
Somewhere along the line in my development towards adult maturity I turned into some kind of pathetic man pleasing machine and got disconnected from my sense of “sisterhood” with other women. It’s almost like I’ve lived in some type of distorted world where every woman is out for herself competing for male attention. Last night I spent literally HOURS reading the All Sides of the Affair Board and got VERY present with the point of view of the Betrayed Spouses.
Why am I finally thinking of his W (and my H) after 7 long years of blissfully ignoring their existence? Another paradigm shift! A ha…..I have been living in this same self- centred caccoon for all my adult life. This affair is just the most blatant example of my neurosis. Even prior to my marriage, when my H and I were dating (he thought “exclusively”)and we lived in separate cities I sought out multiple sexual partners and relationships. Afterall, I wasn’t married yet ; I was young and sexy and obviously irressistable….(LOL) One time I even gave my Husband to be an STD – how’s that for romance – but, of course, he still married me – I was quite the “catch”.
After my marriage I swore off of my extracurricular activities. In retrospect the death of my mother (cancer-age:45) one month prior to my wedding gave me a heady dose of appreciation for my mortality. I became a model wife and five years later – model mother while at all times a model businesswoman and citizen. According to the thesaurus other words for “model “ are: “image”, “ideal”, “archetype” all of which are “copies” of a perception of a concept. None of which can be considered original or REAL.
Well, after 10 years of repression the “real Me” started bubbling up to the surface and started cracking through my façade. My A was the final manifestation of the extent of my decompression. WOW and I haven't even started therapy yet. I had to postpone my appointment until Monday morning because I had to take my H into Emergency at the hospital (minor gardening injury-scratched eye). It took some willpower on my part not to view this as a fatalistic sign and excuse that I was not meant to seek Therapy – ugh, the joys of being a confict avoider.
I just have to add one other little tidbit – at the risk of sounding truly bazaar. After spending last night reading the thoughts of Betrayed Spouses (and also the many behavoural explanations of various WS) I woke up this morning having an intensely sexual lesbian dream and there is no question in my mind that I am heterosexual in orientation. Is it another symptom of sexual abuse – this tendancy to “sexualize” everything (and I mean EVERYTHING….)? My incident happened to me when I was ten years old and I am only now finally accepting that it may have had a more profound impact on my psyche than I ever imagined.
Oh well, enough for now “sisters” – I’ll be seeing you in my dreams….. LOL
ARTIST

Heavy post for a Friday morning, Artist.
It brings me to a topic I was thinking of raising on the All Sides board - how many of us intellectualized, rather than emotionalized, the A and the aftermath? I too spend alot of time on that board trying to personalize my XMM's wife because during the A I confess to thinking she must have been some loser who couldn't hang on to her H. While I, on the otherhand, had my DH and XMM trying to woo me. I took it all at surface.
I've done alot of T since then, tho, and realize that one of the reasons I was an "ideal" partner (and that's not in any sense of the definitions you cited in your post) is because I had few to no boundaries. My life is your life. I will give you everything I have up to a certain point. Then when I've had enough, I'm through with you. Of course, no one wants to give up their relationship with a boundary-less person because I'm too good at meeting needs. This has applied across the board in my life, too all relationships, equally to friends as lovers.
I don't sexualize or emotionalize - I intellectualize. It's been one of my most effective coping mechanisms all my life. I don't do emotions very well and there's a whole host of reasons for this but I guess you could wrap the whole thing up and say that I'm the adult child of an alcoholic.
Since leaving the A and making a host of other changes in my life, I've been forced to look at my intellectual approach to life and find it inadequate. So I'm trying to learn to feel. That's my primary reason for hanging out on the all sides board - I want to understand what I did to my XMM's wife. I want to understand that she was a real person, my "sister" if you will. Whatever resulted in her life from the A notwithstanding, I want to understand that she was a real person and what I did in her life was morally wrong.
Somewhere along the line my moral compass shifted a bit past north as well. I can remember making jokes with my drinking buddies back in the day that I was buying a nice comfy lawn chair and lots of sunscreen because I was pretty sure I was going to spend eternity in blistering heat.
Somewhere between your experience and my experience are 2 women who seriously compromised their values with little or no regard for anyone else. How does this happen?
Love, Mo.
Hi Artist,
I am not going to "therapise" you (if you will), but I cannot stress how much childhood experiences of sexual abuse scars us. I too am a 'survivor' of this dreadful occurence and although I have been to therapy for specifically that, I still deal with its aftermath.
I think most of what you have written in your post sounds fairly typical. I'm not sure if you have other issues, but I suffer from the "I don't deserve to be happy, its my fault" thing - so perhaps my therapy wasn't that successful. I believe it is part of the reason I have also always been such a 'sexual being' for a lot of my past flitting from conquest to conquest in a bid to find love and acceptance. The little girl inside me is obviously still in pain. I also believe that part of what I have just written is the reason for my long standing A.
Just a suggestion, but going on to the All Sides board could have possibly been a sub conscious way to emotionally beat youself up, the same way you were 'beaten up' (abused) as a young girl. Now that your A is over (another way to beat yourself up) you could have felt (sub con.) that you needed to repeat the actions, as it is a comfort zone.
This is JMHO - please excuse my forward post.
Take care & be kind to yourself (((((HUGS)))))
Liz :)
I too have managed to compartmentalize myself so well that it seems like I need to drill through miles and miles of steel to find the true core of my feelings. I have become so many people to adapt myself to fulfilling so many needs. I am the “Queen of Accommodation”. The closest I have ever come to expressing myself fully is through poetry and journaling. Below are some random samplings of some my desparate attempts at introspection – both were written within the first 2 years of my Affair.
Collision
Our souls have collided
creating a separate universe
that is only ours to share.
We belong to each other,
profoundly,
deeply,
forever....
I want to know you
in all the inconsequential thoughts
and details and hopes and dreams
that are the core of you.
I want to consume you
- to transcend us –
to be truly one
in our sporadic moments of ecstasy.
Do I frighten you lover?
Ours is a special mating
that in its secrecy and intensity
energizes the mundaneness and mediocrity
of what our lives have become.
Do not fear the fire
for it burns only for you to see.....
A Place of My Own
Somewhere, somehow
I wandered from my life's path
I search desperately within the wilderness
to understand the woman I have become.
I hide so much of myself
at what cost to my psyche?
I wrestle with conventional wisdom
to find a place of my own
I create my own reality
By controlling my thoughts
I am a pillar of strength
maintaining the happy facade of society
My true self is a kaleidoscope
of yearning and repression,
lust and deception
spinning 'round and 'round
right becomes wrong,
wrong becomes right,
Only I am the judge...
I agree that this ability (rather “disability” ) to mentally split oneself from their belief systems and values would be an excellent topic of conversation both here and on the All Sides of the Affair Board. I would love to explore this topic further.
ARTIST
<<<>>
WOW...I will definately need to "process" these thoughts for a while. Not sure if it applies but it is hitting some nerves so it probably DOES!
I appreciate your post immensely. Please keep on being FORWARD.
ARTIST
You're very welcome. I am glad that you interpreted my post the way it was written. Sometimes things can read differently to the way they were meant. The main reason I was so forward is that I too could have written your intial post. I truly believe that abuse of kids is such a disasterous event, and leaves its victims with a debilitating disease that infects their lives until they seek help and become well.
I wish you peace and understanding - Liz
I will admit - going to the All Sides board takes some guts (as opposed to our nice, cozy haven over here where folks warmly understand our pain).
Id had mentioned it before (that she went there since it was interesting) but I wasn't ready. I have only recently gotten up enough courage to visit there which I take as a good sign. I am starting to face what I have done. I still get a little anxious while I'm pulling up the screen for that site.
I don't know my true reasons for feeling "it's good for me" to visit that site. I think it's because it forces me to look at the situation in "aerial" view - to see the BS that was not part of the equation for so long. I read every BS post as if it is xMM's wife. I, too, thought that she must not care what xMM does - but that can't be true.
It's a wake up call if nothing else. WIP
Yes, me too - adult child of an alcoholic (and abusive too... verbally to me but physically to my mom and siblings).
WIP