what happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
what happened
14
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 3:41pm

I have been looking at posts here the last few days. Have been emailing E1 some and she has been very helpful.

I am a married but my husband and I are basically separated, we are still living in the same house, him downstairs, me upstairs.

I began my affair in Feb. with a younger man that I had known casually for 10 yrs. He is married has a 5 yr. old and his wife is pregnant. I think she got pregnant about the time we started talking but before anything had happened between us. She had left him in Dec. and asked for a divorce but then had come back in Jan. She had cheated on him with 5 men in a 6 mos. period. Also some other things she had done and is not a very good mom to their daughter. He does most of the raising of his daughter.

We fell for each other very fast. But he pushed very hard for this to be an emotional affair also. I fell in love with him. He said he fell in love with me. Said a lot of the same things I have heard hear. We are soulmates. We were destined to be together. You are the epitome of everything I have been looking for in a woman. You take my breath away. Your love for me gets me through some dark days.

Anyway we sent texts back and forth all day everyday. He would text me before he went to sleep to tell me how much he loved me. He pushed for us to be more. He said he wanted to live with me. He said he wanted to leave his marriage and wanted me to be there. He said he couldn't imagine his future without me playing the major role in it. I never pushed or brought up him leaving his marriage. Tues. June 22 he sent me a text that said he was ready to leave his marriage was I willing. I told him I was but I was surprised and asked him if he was absolutely sure, he said he was. Wed June 23 we sent texts all day. He said there was nothing he wanted more than to live with me. We were able to see each other that night. Everything went great. He told me how much in love he was with me. We agreed we would talk before he did anything(leaving or talking to his wife). He sent me the normal text that night told me how much he loved me.

Thur. June 24 I didn't hear from him at all. Which was strange he sent me something every day. But he works for himself and does not work everyday and his wife doesn't work so I thought maybe he had been with her all day. I expected to hear from him that night though. I didn't get my goodnight text. About midmorning on Fri. I sent a text saying hey? I didn't get a response. Sent another that afternoon still no response. Sun I tried again. Finally Mon. I was furious I sent him a text and said F U maybe I should talk to your wife she might have answers for me. Guess what, he replied to that. Said boy have I been missing out I can understand you being upset but hostility and threats? What if something had happened. I apologized and told him I would never, ever do that but I was just wanting an answer that he had left me in an emotional limbo. He said his phone had broke on Thurs. and his new one didn't come in until that day. I don't believe that but I didn't tell him that.
Tues I sent him a text and asked if I was forgiven, he never responded. I sent a text about every other day, telling him how much he was breaking my heart, asking him to just tell me something, I would accept if this was over. He never responded.

Two weeks ago I stopped contacting him. I still have not heard one word from him. I fight trying to contact him every day. I am so confused, hurt, heartbroken, angry. I don't understand what could have happened. I just wanted an explanation. I still do. He always pushed for more and always needed my reassurance. I never dreamed he would do this. We never even had an argument.

Any advice would be appreciated. I also need help with keeping my willpower not to contact him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 7:30am

Willow -

There have been so many times that I have dissected ever word of a conversation or message I left my XAP because I was always sure I screwed up somewhere. If he didn't call or created distance it was my fault. It makes me sick to think about it now, but I bet I apologized a hundred times for things that I had every right to say and feel.

We've talked about "closure" here and no matter what, if your MM would have told you it's over, then end result WOULD be the same.

It was a real eye opener for me when someone asked be the same question Luvin asked you - if he left her, would you want him? All the posts in the HL have helped me so much. And really looking at my XAP as the person he is NOW. Not the fantasy man that opens doors for me and takes me out to dinner and holds my hand on walks. I'm realizing that I've never met that man. Keep getting stronger and take your life back Willow.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:18pm

You are right. He just left me hanging for 4 days and I am the one apologizing. How screwed up is that?

I hope I would not want him if he suddenly became available. At this point I don't know.

I do know reading these posts is giving me a clearer picture. I thought it was so different with us. That we had an amazing connection. But so many of these stories sound the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:25pm

Willow -

<<>>

Very, but I've BTDT too.

<<>>

We ALL think that - XAP and I had what I thought was an amazing connection too - now I'm seeing it more clearly - a scary, toxic, co-dependent, unhealthy existence.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: willow09
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 10:29pm

Hi Willow,


Good to see you posting and getting support J


I hope reading the stories and wisdom of those who have BTDT will help you see you are not alone in what you are feeling. The thread below may also give you some addition insight of how a poster handled an xAP going MIA.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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