What happens when you break NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
What happens when you break NC
3
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:01am
I just wanted to post (and vent a little) on my recent experience of breaking NC. Maybe it will help some of you to stay NC. My OM. had e-mailed, I responded, we i.m-ed, spoke on the phone and finally saw each other. What I'm a little stunned by is how quickly we feel right back into it, as though nothing had ever happened. He wants me to be in this, but to do it with the kind of emotional detachment that I'm not capable of. We went immediately into our old pattern-he pursues me aggressively, I finally relent and then he backs off. I felt I had been making slow progress but progress nonetheless, and now I'm right back to where I was and even worse. I had set boundaries for how he could treat me and then erased them, so now he knows he can basically treat me any way he wants. I've been so disgusted with myself- waiting around for him on the computer, looking at my phone hoping for it to ring. I give him the power to make me happy or unhappy and I hate that I do that. I realize that I am not and will never be a priority in his life and I know I have to get strong, walk away and really mean it but I just can't seem to do it. I read all your posts and see everyone struggling and trying and I wish I could be on this journey with you, but my heart's not in it. I have wasted so many years of my life on this, ugly, stupid, hurtful relationship but I am so addicted that sometimes I feel the only way it will end is if one of us dies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:47am
((((TOOSMART))))

Oh, TooSmart, I am so sorry you are going through this. You know what? You ARE on this journey with us, even if you don't see that. The fact that you are here at all is a great step and means that you are trying.

I broke NC 9 days ago, and felt just like you do now. xOM made promises to be a better friend and NOT fall into his old patterns, but so far he's made a half-ass attempt to send me a 1-line email a couple of times a week. If that's being my friend, I don't need it! Neither do you! They will NEVER break their patterns. We have to be the ones to do that. I decided the day after I caved that I was done. That I would never let him hurt me again. I know it will hurt when I don't hear from him and I miss him, but it will hurt worse to allow him to be in control. You can do this, too, because you ARE too smart!

You haven't lost everything you had gained by breaking contact. You still have it in you, and you can bring it back! Find it and dust it off. You need to do this, TooSmart! The addiction can only be broken by no longer continuing to feed it.

I am totally rooting for you!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:31pm
You're so right Lily, you're the one who's too smart! I'm thinking back to my smoking days and how I knew how harmful it was for me but I didn't want to suffer the pain of quitting, so any time I thought about cancer or dying, I'd just push those thoughts right out of my head. The only way I was finally able to stop was to admit that I really was harming my body and I couldn't continue and then to do it cold turkey, no tapering off, no social smoking. I'm also remembering that we had a lady from American Lung come to our office and speak to us, and she told us it takes 5 quitting attempts on average, before you're finally successful. Maybe A.'s are the same way and I have to keep trying until I finally get it right. I do know I have to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself, quit making excuses and do it. Thanks for the support, I think I may be getting ready for my final, successful attempt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:40pm
You, TooSmart!

Good for you! You already sound better!!! I am here for you!
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby