What has your A taught you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
What has your A taught you....
3
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:20am

I was writing a response to midnightbl and ponder these 2 questions. Add your own if you'd like...

What has this affair taught you about yourself?

What personal issues do you think need addressing that will aide you in steering clear of unhealthy relationships in the future or that will help to enhance your current marriages?

My affair has taught me that I was very judgemental of others. I remember having a conversation with the guys (I work with all men besides 3 other women) at work pertaining to wives who have affairs while their husbands are serving in war or military assignments. I spoke with such passion that day. I tore these women up verbally! I said the most awful things. I also said...I would never. Well....guess what...I did. Ooops!! Foot in mouth...foot in mouth.

My affair has taught me that regardless of the man I am with, I will still have the same issues in any relationship unless I try to heal the broken sides of myself through love and acceptance. My affair has taught me...I have and always will pick the ones who are no good for me because of lack of self-esteem. My husband chose me or you can say God sent him to me! I realize that love has always been all-consuming for me. I have a pattern of neglecting those around me, my hobbies, my interests, myself and making a person...my main focus. The list could go on for days...but you get my point. All these things are dependent on the "how to" of my second ?

Let's hear it. The sweet reminders of how YOU have become Better in light of this affair.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 1:38am

Hey there sunshine,
You bring up some very good points, what lead us to the A to begin with and what, if anything have we learned from it. Much like you, I now realize that I was very judgmental in the past. I always said "I would never" in regards to an A and couldn't understand why anyone else would. Well, here I am many years later being the exact person who I had judged so harshly in the past.
What has the A taught me? Well, for starters it has taught me that I had a gross lack of appreciation for the people in my life who are the only ones I can truly find happiness with (i.e. my family). When the A started, my H was unhappy and was very harsh with me which brought up too many unhappy memories from my childhood. I escaped in a fantasy land with XOM. (I married at 20, been married for 22 yrs. now)
Now that my H and I have both matured, we both have changed in so many ways. I realize for the first time that there is absolutely no substitution for the wonderful man I married. It took me a while to figure that out, and I regret that.
I seriously hope that when I now say that "I would never" I say it with a different perspective and I seriously "would NEVER"

Cow girl up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 9:46am

sunshine,

funny you say..i too never thought i would actually have an A but i did.

when my parents divorced after 40 years of marriage i did not agree with my fathers actions of just wanting to move on. i see it now from different eyes and admire him for having the strenghth to look for his happiness if that is what he wanted.

we make choices everyday..good or bad. we make the choice to work or our marriage or just let it be. sometimes when you just let it be...you turn to someone else for what you are missing.

we now now the world is not a perfect place and everyone living in it is not perfect either.

we have to try each day to make the right choices and make the right decisions.

and not spitting up is one of them. you should never judge someone else until you walk that same path. because you never know when what you judged (spit) will fall back on your face.

thanks for the post

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 5:57pm

What has my affair taught me about myself?
Its taught me....
*that I should trust my first instincts..... i.e. I should have run when he made the first advances.
*that I should have not trusted that someone who lied to his spouse to whom he made vows, had children with, and made a life with, wouldnt lie to me.
*that even smart women make terrible choices.
*that those same women can change and make better ones.
*that there is life after an affair.
*that you can regain self respect and dignity.
*that soulmates don't hurt you.

With regards to personal issues....... that one is tougher since I'm not really sure what led me into the affair in the first place other than stupidity, but I know what will happen in the future if a similar situation arises........ see first bullet above....... RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN:-)

As for how I've become better..... I think that I like others are less judgemental of the decisions people make (glass houses and stones), that I will always strive to be honest with myself and those I share my life with, and that I know that I deserve to be happy.

Kell