What have I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
What have I done?
7
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:28am


Today has been HELL!! I called xmm's office to listen to his voice mail. Yesterday was suppose to be his last day at work after being fired. I guess I just wanted to see how the call would be forwarded ect. (I knew he wouldn't be there) Well I guess that wasn't enough, I emailed him tonight and broke NC after 4 days. ARGH!! I didn't really say anything but just sent a joke and a ..... how are you along with it. I really don't know if he will bother to reply to it or not. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I am so tempted to send another e mail to his other gf and maybe even his wife. I know that is sooo wrong but I can't shake the feeling that I need to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Has anyone ever ratted out thier A and had regrets??
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:56am
Hi Needing,

I do totally understand what you mean about wanting the W to know what her H has been up to. I have had those thoughts over and over. Sometimes I wish there were some way she would "anonymously" find out....Funny thing is, a few years ago I tried to end the A and I confessed to my H. He insisted that I tell the W about the A and I protected him and wouldn't do it. Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time, what a perfect excuse to tell her.

I have seen them together in public a few times, she clings to him and kisses all over him. It's clear when you see them together that her entire world revolves around him. I am not his first and I am sure I will not be his last. Woman to woman I would love so much to let her know that her fairy tale marriage is nothing but a sham. Then again, I ask myself....who am I to destroy this woman's life. She is innocent. The OMM even tells me how good she treats him. Everything I know about her tells me she is a good, decent person. I'd like to think of myself as the same. That being the case, I simply do not have the heart to destroy another womans world, her life.

For what it's worth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:31pm


Your absolutely right. I don't want to hurt his wife. I would like to make sure the other gf dosen't go back to him though, haha! Its him I want to hurt, not anyone else!

So he replied to my e mail today asking me to call him at 11 30. I couldn't resist and made the call. I am so STUPID!! Although I was very casual and acted like I was kewl, I asked about the other gf. I found out that she left again today. Gee go figure! I havent heard from him since she returned on Monday. The day she left again to go back to be with her sick mother he asks me to call. I guess i deserved it tho, or at the very least should have expected it. After 3.5 years I've always been there for him when he needed me. I can't say that about him. I can't believe its taking me so long to figure him out. I can only hope that the more time this happens the more my heart will harden against him and give me the power I need to stop this madness. I know its over and I have no desire to be with him I just have to kick myself in the azz!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:45pm
I am somewhat new to the board and I don't really understand your situation. You are involved with a MM who also has another GF? What's up with that? That surely would be enough to send me over the edge.

My motto is....I don't want anyone who doesn't want me. If he has one wife and two GF's, I'd say you are nothing more than a commodity, completely replaceable. Is that what you want for yourself? I think not, you are better than that. You deserve to be the center of someone's universe.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 3:16pm


Regardless, LET HIM GO.

If you need to send him e-mails, to let him know how much he hurt you, whatever, then do it...but BOTTOM LINE: DO NOT RAT HIM OUT.

Trust me baby, he will get it somehow...you do not have to do a thing. Do not create more problems for him...it will only BACKFIRE. Cut your losses and back off...in time, you will realize he was not worth a blip of your thought.

If you hurt him, you will hurt yourself more...

Keep your head up...work on yourself, always be proud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 9:59pm
Needing -

I've been on and off this board for about a year, and had to come out of lurkdom to respond. I can feel your pain, and I know that feeling of hurting so badly, you'd do ANYTHING to relieve the pain, let off the pressure. You may believe for a while that revenge will relieve the pain, but as soon as you hit "SEND", you'll regret it, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.



"If you're going to seek revenge, you'd better dig two graves." (Old Chinese saying.)

I never felt so low-down, worthless, disgusting, shameless/ashamed - and on and on - as I did when I faced the reality of my affair, even though it was "only" an emotional affair. I had betrayed my own values, as well as the marriage of two close friends. And then, even though I was the one who initiated NC, I was SO ANGRY when he honored my wishes and didn't contact me! I was blaming him for everything (but we know it takes two.....) I wanted to know he was hurting as much as me. It was too much pain to bear alone. I wanted her to know, even knowing that it would hurt her terribly.

Their situation is very complicated - she came out as a lesbian after over a decade of marriage - they certainly have enough to deal with without my fury and confusion entering into it. Recognize that you are ending an addiction (as others have so correctly termed it). You are just plain crazy now - not a good time to take action you will not be able to undo.

It was hell - and that's not just a figure of speech - getting over him. I won't sugarcoat it. Months of crying, not sleeping, feeling awful about myself and my life, biting my tongue to keep the bitterness from poisoning someone else. But time DOES heal, and in time, with painstaking inner work, I learned to love myself again and to forgive us both. We are even, very carefully, friends again. Yes, I still have moments on the roller coaster of emotions, but they are just that - moments. The entire experience has taught me SO MUCH, in the end it has enriched my life - go figure! Maybe the lessons that cost the most mean the most.

Had I let that anger into his life, I would probably STILL hate myself. Mistakes are one thing, but DELIBERATE CRUELTY is hard to forgive. Please, please don't do that to yourself! It WILL get better, and someday you will be so glad you didn't act on this impulse.

Another great saying:

"If you don't look where you are going, you'll end up where you are headed."

I feel for you; I've been there. You are myself/my sister/my child. You are not alone in your pain. Hold on, keep posting, and remember that it WILL get better.

((((BIG HUG)))






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:49am
I didn't rat my exMM out my daughter did.I had ended the A of 3yrs, I was devastated and I had to come clean with my family. This mm hurt me and hurt me bad, my heart that is. I cried on my daughters shoulder and my exH. I am angry at the way he did me but my family is out for more revenge than I am. My daughter and I have been together seems my whole life,I brought that joy into my life when I was 15,I'm 45 now,we are close but I could never tell her until it was over. I had 1 nervous breakdown over this jerk and she thought I was headed down that road again. All I could do was cry.I told her and my exH,they really lowered the boom on him today. They took as they put it "a care package" to his grown daughter and wife today. Inside was 6 months of my cell bill, 5 copies of canceled checks I had written him this month(Igot my money back), and a copy of a letter I wrote him last night (he read and called being pitiful)telling him just how little I thought of him. When my daughter and exH came and told me what they did I laughed for the first time in months, at least a real laugh. He tried to bring me down and had his fun, now let them have theirs. I'll sit back and watch. I still love him and hate him at the same time. My ex know he is why we are divorced, he made a comment today that scared me of what he would do to him. Of course that squeezed my heart b/c of the love I do still have for him. My emotions are like a rollercoaster right now. I could hold and comfort him 1 minute and slap him down the next. I wish I could get him out of my mind and heart. I hate to see him hurt but in the same sentence I am glad that he is, he hurt me so much. My life is destroyed b/c of him, 3 yrs and a lot of damage so why shouldn't he get as good as he gave. His family knows too. I think his wife is pathedic, she married him 3 times. Yes I am 1 of his many affairs, so I found out. I had told him he had to stay with her b/c I could live the life she had. This woman ruined him long ago letting him live like he has and letting him get by with it. He thinks the whole world should and I told him so.He always told me if I left him I'd be back, and I always told him I wasn't her. So maybe for our own feelings and devastated lives a little revenge is not so bad. Why should we be the only ones to hurt?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 1:20pm


I just wanted to thanks you all for your support, it really has made a difference. I also wanted to give an update...I have a few questions.

Ok so I'm over the wanting to hurt him thing (for now- it may not last)! He's been very appologetic and we have talked quite a bit over the past few days. He's sorry for not acting as a very best friend should and he still needs me bla bla bla. He got fired from his job and hes an alcoholic. I've been supporting him for the past few days and he says he really needs that if he will succeed at quitting drinking, but refuses to get other outside help. He says he's did nothing but reflect over the past few days about all the people he has hurt and I'm at the top of the list. Sometimes when we are talking he's made a few sexual remarks and comments about getting together. I cut him off pretty quickly, but it felt so good! Funny how easy it is to say NO as long as he's still wanting me. Like I said its the minute he ignores me I fall apart. Playing games? Absolutely! Not intentionally, but I seem to need that control.

So here is my question. Has anyones affair ended and they were able to remain the very best of friends? How difficult was it and how long did it take before it was a comfortable situation? I'm pretty sure its not going to be easy, but wonder if it will even be possible. Please keep in mind that I am also married and never wanted anything more from him than what we already had. I absolutely don't want to sleep with him anymore because I know he will just end up hurting me again over and over. It does feel like I can say no as long as we still have the emotional connection. Any comments or advice would be most welcome....Thanks!!