What have you learned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
What have you learned?
6
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:19pm

No matter where you are on this journey, whether 1 day NC or 1 year NC, undoubtedly you've learned a lot about yourself, your xap, your M (if you are M). This weekend, while dealing with my short bout of anger towards xap, I took a step back to reflect on what I've learned through this. I am 39 days NC today and feeling so much peace as I reflect. I'd love for you to all share. Most of the following, I learned by reading here on this board.

The following are just the tip of the iceberg.

I deserve to be someone’s priority.

Real life, although calm, stable and sometimes boring, is more fulfilling than fantasy could ever be.

I control my actions.

I am strong.

My husband is the most forgiving and understanding man I’ve ever met.

My home and my family are more important than anything else.

Nothing born of lies will ever end well.

Only through deep self-reflection and a desire to make the right choices, will I actually find happiness.

Marriage really is hard work.

There’s something to be said for safety, comfort and stability within a marriage.

I have great friends, but they cannot possibly know what it’s like in my head or in my marriage, so the answers must come from me, not them.

I am capable of doing terrible things.

Marriage counseling is painful.

Pain = progress

The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

The fog of an affair is all-consuming and makes you lose sight of everything that is real and good.

Unconditional love will set you free.

Trust is hard and painful, but results in an unparelleled intimacy.

One never stops growing and learning.

Few have real integrity.

I am worth more than that.

You cannot truly understand someone until you’ve walked in their shoes.

I do not have the right to judge anyone, for anything.

It’s ok to be emotional. Suppressing emotion only causes them to come out with a vengeance later.

Improving communication with my husband can heal all wounds.

My husband really loves me.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:41pm

Today marks

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:50pm

This is a great post Jane, and everything you said resonated with me. Some of the things you said in your post crossed my mind at some point along this journey.

I have especially learned the beauty of seeing things through....like you said, there is something wonderful and comforting about being with my H in our marriage. The highs may be few and far between- but it is REAL.

It also occurred to me today, that there is a freedom in doing the right thing. No more looking behind my back, lying, covering my tracks, being obsessed with my phone... It feels good to be true to myself and those around me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 2:13pm

Great thread, Jane. You *have* been doing some thinking. Proud of you, girl.


I could write a book on what I have learned but here's one at the top of my list.


"When we

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 3:42pm

Oh my gosh- I forgot one of the most important lessons... and this may help newbies.

Those feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, (insert awful emotion here) do pass and do lessen and I do feel better everyday.

This has been a very valuable lesson and it's one I remind myself every time I feel those feelings sneaking in. I remind myself that it's ok to feel it and it will pass. I know that it will pass because it always does.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 4:47pm

Jane - I agree.

I've learned that just because I feel an emotion, or I feel an urge to do something- it does NOT mean that I have to act on it.

A very simple lesson, but obviously impulse control was something I needed to learn. :) Breathing through those times and just letting myself "BE" in those moments (not trying to fight the emotions, but not acting on them either) has been a key for me in the last few days. I don't beat myself up for feeling sad or feeling like I miss him or like i want to reach out to him. I let myself feel that- but I don't act on those feelings. I just let them pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 8:41pm

New Season and Jane,

WOW!! I am feeling these posts...you ladies put it out there. The stuff really hit me. CUT and PASTE. Sometimes good things get lost on this board, so I always cut and paste and try not to bother Iddy or another vet to help me find something.

You both really had me thinking. I have to say...

I learned that I need to be my own best friend.
I have to look out for me
I have to always think about how my actions affect others, especially my children
I have to believe in me
I have to FOLLOW MY GUT instincts. I know bad when I see bad
I learned that my mom gave me the best of her that she could n I will take the good w/the bad
I learned not to BLAME others when I am/was looking for the clown
I learned that no matter how many times you hear you are beautiful, unless you believe it within, it does not matter.
I learned that although I gave away my power, I can take it back.
I learned that my joy-pure as it get is in my kids.
I learned that total strangers online can be the most kind, giving, and influential people in your life outside of your parents and children
I learned to respect the words of REAL women regardless of race and/or socio-economic status
I learned that time, determination, support and sincere encouragement can get you thru anything

I learned that TIME and life is so precious and although some might be considered wasted in a A, you can not constantly look back and dwell on the hurt and pain and what is lost, but instead look at RIGHT NOW and what you can do to write the next chapter of your life...

Whew....did not know that was all going to come out...GOODNESS. I hope this thread keeps going, if not I may have to bump it here and there from time to time.

Thanks Jane and New Season, you were so sincere and honest and I appreciate this post more than you could imagine...I hope others chime in.

Luvin

PS...Hazel, I like your not acting on feelings statements too! That was a hard pill for me to swallow when I was a newbie....good for you.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida