What helps when you are down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
What helps when you are down?
9
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:37pm
Do you ever find yourself wanting to run away from life in general? After a weekend of rotten dreams, most of which HE was the star of, I would love to pick myself up out of the dumps I'm in. If you've ever felt like this what has worked for you?

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:28pm
My Mother always said "Life is what you make it". So I choose to make the best of everything.

When I'm totally stressed, I grab my personal CD player and head out for a really long walk by myself. It gives me time to sort everything out.

Don't know if this is the advise you're looking for or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:31pm
OMG, yes, there have been some times that I either wanted to run away or hide in my bed. This past winter I got laid off from my job at about the same time that my relationship was really falling apart. It was a very emotionally hard time. This past two weeks my family has had several medical crises and it's gotten so I'm almost afraid to answer the phone and hear what else has happened.

I found a tool that helped me...I started this when I knew my daughter was going to be out of town for Spring Break and I was afraid that I'd do a downward spiral because in the past I would have used that break to spend as much time as possible with xMM. I made a list of things to and the idea was that when I started to feel sad or lost, I'd open the list and do the next thing on it, if possible. I don't know about you, but when I'm sad I lack motivation and imagination and with the list I could just begin something without thinking about it. Does that make sense? The list included household repairs I'd been planning but hadn't done, calling friends, recreational things (going to the driving range, etc.) I made sure to include things I could do alone or with others and also tried to make sure I had something social planned every day whether it was lunch, a walk with my sister, a beer with friends, etc. The week flew by.

When I was at my saddest, I couldn't even concentrate enough to read but thank goodness that's better and I make sure that I go to the library regularly so that I have plenty of books to read....this is very helpful for me when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. I've also started knitting again and the rhythm and idea of being creative feels very comforting right now.

One of the best side effects of not being so involved in the affair is that my relationship with my daughter has improved a ton. How could I be a good mom to her when I was so sad and tied up with all the drama? I'd kind of forgotten what a wonderful teenager she is and I have so much enjoyed being with her lately.

Sometimes I am amazed by how much I let this affair control my life. For years, he was pretty much the only thing I could think about and when I wasn't with him, I missed him so much. It's nice to be more at the point now that I can be happy in the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:58pm

Yes, every now and then the urge to run away shows up....


What works for me?


I go fishing or hiking. Nothing like a line in the water, leaning back in the middle of a lake or river to re-focus my mind on the simpler things in life......


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:47pm
Yes,



I did not just want to run away. I wanted to die. I was done with life. My children gave me strength.

The best thing I found to do was give of myself. Help anybody I could. There is a strength that can be gained by being selfless. I different kind of love that can give us strength.

I have been slowly getting better and today is the best day I have had in a long time. It does get better. You will again have joy of life and a joy for life.

-B

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:18pm
These are all great suggestions.

I personally find being alone terrible, especially in the car with the radio on. It's funny because with 3 kids, I used to crave any minute I had alone.

Yes, I can concentrate on the great kids I have again, on H again, and even my Mom, who is always receptive to any extra attention I give her -- and never questions why.

I also found that writing down my thoughts in the form of a letter to him -- as angry as they were -- helped me alot. That way once I had them down in the computer, I could "remove" them from my head -- sort of like when you make out your shopping list.

Also am taking up a craft and redecorating a bit.

Yes, life will go on; the farther you are away, the less of a habit it will be. Like giving up cocaine. Just make sure you stay completely away.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:08am
Hi Karry! My advice is probably a bit different than the other posters, but I think its important to experience the feeling of being down in the dumps and understand why you're feeling that way. "Doing something" will help in the short run, but sitting still with the feeling may help the feeling from returning. Once you've identified what's really triggering the mood, you can correct, or at least work on, the situation. And DUH the obvious answer is that you miss the OMM, but you may have to think a little deeper. What exactly do you miss? What feelings did he bring out in you and how can you obtain similar feelings in a healthier setting? For example, if he made you feel "carefree" think about a healthier, saner activity that will make you feel carefree.

If you just plain need to "escape" for a few minutes of relief, I think physical activity works best. Intense exercise, such as running or aerobic activity, will increase your heartrate and cause your body to produce its own pain-relieving drug, endorphine. That, in and of itself, will physiologically change your mood. Sometimes I run to the point of feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, so that I "return" to my life too tired to think or care about OMM. Yoga also works wonders because its "meditation in motion." It will connect you with your Source (higher power) and restore your energy and positive thinking.

Gardening or hiking or looking at the ocean will connect you with the "mother earth" which is energizing and restorative in itself. It will connect you with the fundamentals of life and remind you of how transient your problems are in the scope of the universe. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that. Remember that the dirt you're digging in, the trees your hiking past, and the waves you're watching crash on the shore have been there for millions and millions of years before you and your A, that many others have walked in your shoes before you, and the pain and uncomfortability passed for all of them and it will for you too.

Well, I guess this got a bit deep, but I'm feeling disconnected this morning and I'm trying to center myself so typing this was therapuetic for me. The short answer would have been to go to the mall and buy shoes!!!! LOL. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:17am
Hi Karry,

My heart goes out to you. I have not seen my XOM in over a year and there has been no contact for 7 months and I STILL think of him every day. Every SINGLE day! I know your pain. So, what I find most comforting is working in my garden, and reading. If it were not for reading, I don't know where I'd be today. I also know that some day, there'll come a time where all of this hurt will dissolve. I sometimes feel so stupid for STILL feeling this way after all of this time has passed. I thought all of the posters' advice here was excellent. Especially the post saying that we also have to sit down and let these feelings go through us and think about why we're feeling that way. Usually, when we're feeling bad, there's a reason for it and that reason is that something in our subconscious is demanding to be addressed. Once it's addressed, the pain will begin to subside.

Love, Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:06am
Hi!!

Wow...what a lot of great responses!! I wanted to respond to each of them because they were so great...but unfortunately I am at work (actually, fortunately because I love my job..lol!!!) and have limited time today so I have to thank you all in one post. I am feeling so much better today (despite the still constant dreams...my subconscious is working over time) and there were so many suggestions that really helped me along yesterday. I went to lunch with friends, went to the gym for a great work out last night, got my nails done, and went home and made my "to do around the house" list and managed to get a few things done off of that before my daughter came home from dance class and needless do say just seeing her beautiful face and hearing her say she loved me was a very huge mood booster!! Not to mention that I came in to my office today and there was an e-mail from an old "friend" who said he would be in town for a week or so helping his father recupperate for cancer surgery which made me really appreciate all that I am blessed with in this life. There is still something that i am struggling with that I may post about that I would love your oppinions on...you are all so amazing and offer such good advice.....and fortunately is not related to my affair....but I am feeling much better today!! I can't thank you enough and hope that I can be helpful if I ever see someone in need!!

Love,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:00pm
Having a list to remind you that there something else to do except think about that guy is a great idea. I've been trying to start new in 2004 too. Besides making a serious attempt again to stop the A, I stopped drinking. Something I did quite alot of for the last 35 years. It has turned out, not drinking has gone much better than ending the A. I really thought it would be the other way.