What is on his mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
What is on his mind
8
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:06am
My 5 month affair ended 3 weeks ago.

We still see each other at work. I find

it hard to go on as nothing ever happened

and go back to the way things were before we

started the affair. I wish I knew if he thinks

about it as much as I do, and I wish I knew what

was on his mind when he looks at me.

I miss talking to him and touching him and everything.

I wish I could ask him if he ever thinks of starting the

affair up again. I would.

How can I know if that is or isn't on his mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:38am
Tempted.....I don't work with my XMM (and so thankful for it) but I know how you feel. I have been wrestling with my emotions and my affair for the past couple of days and I'll tell you, I just can't shake these feelings. I wonder too if XMM thinks about the affair like I do, maybe misses me, etc. He always tells me there is a place in his heart for me and all that stuff. I am usually stronger than this. I'm hoping this is just a very temporary setback for me. I am married 20+ years, and I cannot be involved in an affair.

You may never know truthfully if it is or isn't on his mind. Some men only say what they think we need to hear, and the true feelings are pushed aside. I think maybe letting things be for now is best (at least for me) and realize that sometimes things have a way of working themselves out. It's not till later do we realize that we did the right thing or responded in the right way.

Hang in there!!!!

TCOM



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:22am
tempted~

Add me to the list of those wondering what is he thinking these days, IF he is thinking of me at all, or did he just compartmentalize me and tucked it all away and has moved on. I keep telling myself, over and over, that either way, no matter WHAT he is thinking...it doesn't matter, it won't change things.

I know over and over again, my exMM said that he just couldn't be in an affair, BUT yet we wound up there, but I believe at my pushing it to go there. In the end, its only more heartache for me.

An affair is NO place anyone really wants to be, though some of us go there. We might think at first that "sure, we can handle being second fiddle" or that we are just meeting some of our needs, with no intent of leaving the marriage...but it begins to eat at you. It wears at your soul, your integrity, your personhood. Before you know it the affair becomes you and you become strung out on it, worse then a heroin junkie waiting for their next fix.

I often wonder IF he contacted what I would do...and to be honest, I really don't know. I still open my email hoping to see something from him, but knowing nothing will be there. I've been very tempted to contact him because I'm applying for a job in the field in which we both work, and he could provide me MUCH info on it, but I won't bend or break and I'm done making a a&& out of myself.

Its hard that you have to see each other at work, but try to stay busy and post here often. We ALL know how hard this is!!

Big hugs!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:21pm
Forgive me because my reply is off-topic. I can't answer to the content of your post as I'm only a lurker trying to understand choices and decisions made by other people. I'm not making light of what you're asking, believe me, but I was absolutely struck by your post. Are you aware of the gift you have? Your post is in poetic form! I love poetry and have poetry books by many authors. Your post is as much a poem as any I've read. I am printing it out for my poetry journal. I hope this doesn't upset you to have me point this out to you. I don't mean to cause you any distress at all. I just wanted you to know how impressed I was with your ability. It's written as a very touching poem...


~~ Michele

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:06pm
Okay tempted this is going to sound cut and dry, but this is how my therapist who i pay big bucks to laid it on me.

WHO CARES what the thinks!!!!!??!!! Does it matter???? When she asked me this I didn't have an answer. I became a bit defensive. But she was right. The affair is over. OVER....so what does it matter what he thinks? Do you want to know that he is pining away over you,,,will that make you feel better to know that he is hurting? Get your ego boost some other way. Dont empower your ex-lover so much.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:39pm
Brave, shescomeundone, bravo! Short, sweet and directly to the point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:50pm
Also, I think as the OW, I have put MM on a pedestal, a big ego boost for him. When our A is over, I have heard he's been hitting on other women. I feel as though he's on his search again looking for someone else to replace me, to boost his ego. Maybe for some OW, there might have been feelings but in my case, even if he had feelings, it wasn't for me. It was the excitement, and he's now looking for that excitement elsewhere.

He would remember the experience, but he wouldn't think more about me, because he was not in my life and would not know me as a person.

That's my thoughts on my experience. It's sad, and it hurts.

I do hope that it's not like that for others, but I think in most cases, A's are very similar in effects and results.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:36am
You know, ivy, that is one thing I WONDER about (not that its ANY use wondering such things...)if I was just an ego boost to a 50 year old guy and has he moved on to someone else? Or has the whole experience left him with enough of a boost to make it through. I know I'll never know the answer to that...and I guess I just wonder why, but I suppose knowing it validate how I felt, in a sense, that it wasn't just me and it wasn't really a waste of time. I think the ego boost works both ways, though, don't you? I mean, I was probably the BIGGER boost giver, but it was also boosting my ego, too, knowing that I was tempting this man. It made me feel more desirable and wanted (but that's only taught me that I got some serious stuff to address).

But I always come back to, I'm just wasting my time thinking about things that I'll never know the answer to and it wouldn't really make a difference anyway.

Yes, I agree....almost all affairs have similar in effects and results. And no matter HOW special you think it is (I mean, how many of us, at one point or another felt that this MM or MW, was *different*, *special*, unlike any other person we had met) I tend to think that it comes from an internal craving from within to *make* this other person magical in some way...when in reality, its not. THAT is still the hardest thing for me to accept at this juncture....that it really wasn't magical or special. But when I read, over and over and over again, how all the people here on this board have very similar feelings and experiences....it kind of drives home the point. In other words, how is that SO many people are mismatched only to find their their "true love" in a neighbor, coworker, friend of a friend, etc. Would life be so cruel? Doesn't that make it seem that we are just play things to our Higher Power? I think the majority of the people once loved their spouse, before things went awry, and I think people are vastly unprepared for the monotony of marriage, the responsibilities, the wear and tear, feelings of missed opportunities.....just plain getting old (heck, that's SCARY enough). Suddenly, you look at the person next to you...after 5,10,15 years...and wonder what the HECK you saw in them in the first place. Maybe there's other predisposing factors...who knows.

I know I'm just trying to figure this all....while trying to get out of my current marriage. But I just wanted to respond to your post because I really connected with what you said.....

big hugs

dharma

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:14pm
dharma,

Thanks for responding to my post! Yes, I agree with you on many things.

For the ego boost, it definitely works both ways because when we were together and flirting, I felt I had so much fun and he's made me felt desirable, too. I felt as if I was really myself (but I'm not sure why only with him?)

I too wonder that if he has had me to boost his ego, shouldn't he had enough? I was hoping that it was something special between him and me only, and he even said that I've given him many good memories, so I would think he's satisfied. BUT NO! The thing is, we work in the same building, and I was told that he's been making inappropriate remarks with another woman. So at least for my case, I know I was not special :( I still think about him a lot, and ask myself why is it that I still have a weak spot for him, remembering things about him, moments when we were together, so if only he felt and remember the same. (I don't think so, and that's why it's sad).

And yes, MM told me that marriage is not "til death do us part" starry-eyed-fantasy, and that I shouldn't expect too much from it. He told me to go in it with eyes wide open because affairs happen. I seriously question how is it that people marry for love, and he did too, but he would later want to find "love" with another person. But I guess this is a totally different conversation because I was on the All Sides board and there's a "Love/In Love" topic there.

When you said that as time goes by and you getting older, you wonder what you saw in the person, I remember the movie Lost in Translation. Both characters were married, and the girl said "I don't even know who I married." Also, I live near New York City, and I've seen an off-broadway show title "I love you. You're perfect. Now change!" The sentiment there is the same, after years of marriage and raising children, you look at the person and wonder if you know each other anymore, whereas originally that person was perfect for you. I know for sure that MM's wife doesn't know what he's up to at work, and the funny thing is, he seems to be online for most of the day. Is marriage like that? Isn't there a special connection between the husband and the wife?

I'm single, and I've been questioning a lot about marriage, too. I am a little cynical about it because on the one hand, I want to marry for love and for life, but it seems that people change, we change, our partners change.. so how do I even know for sure? Should I even look for "love" to marry?

dharma, are you unhappy in your marriage, is that why you're trying to get out? I hope you'll know and do what's right for you. I find that many people can look at us OW and point fingers and tell us how weak we are, etc... But in reality, if there are 50% divorce rate, then half of us are "weak," right? Or we can just say that as there are left arms, there are as many right arms.. so what makes anyone better than anyone else? (I might be over defending us here since in the end, I do think that A's are not good and hurt everyone involved, so I don't endorse them). However, I do believe in separating the actions from the person, and I think that we all make bad choices at times, and having an A is just another one of them.

But, I still miss MM...