What I did vs. what he did

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
What I did vs. what he did
14
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:10pm

I was thinking tonight, on this three week anniversary of NC, about some of the things that I did. I think you'll be able to tell that I've been reading a lot on here and it's sinking in a little bit.

I became the person that he wanted me to be... I allowed him to mold me in to someone he would love.

1. He loves to play poker. So what did I do? I learned to play. Not well, but still, I learned the fundamentals so that when he played in tournaments, he could talk to me about them and I would understand what he was talking about.

2. He is a football fanatic. So, I became a football expert. I can carry on a conversation about football with any one now (luckily, my husband actually appreciates this about me now).

3. He enjoys working out and being in shape. Good shape. So what did I do? You got it. Joined a gym and became a fitness expert. Even took classes at the local college. I lost 30 pounds, and as I was turning 40 years old, was in the best shape of my life.

4. He loves movies. So, you guessed it, I watched all of the movies that he considered to be the best of all time. We also watched countless movies together. All the ones he picked out to watch were classics, all the ones I picked out to watch were stupid.

5. He loved to talk politics. I've never been much in to politics, but I can tell you, I am now.

6. I re-arranged my schedule so that we would have time together. I lied to my children, to my friends and to my H. I skipped classes, missed out on birthday parties and blew off dinner with friends so that I could be with him. On the few days where I had NOTHING going on, do you think he rearranged his schedule to make time for me? No.

These are just a few of the ways that I changed myself in hopes that he would love me. That he would want to spend more time with me.

Did he ever take the time to get involved in anything that I was interested in? That I was passionate about? No. Sometimes he would ask me a question, out of the blue, and I would look at him and say "OMG.. do you even know me?"

Just what I'm feeling right now. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:56pm

Hello Fallen,

I could have written your post - while the details would be different, the sentiment remains the same. I transformed myself into an image of him he wanted to see. No wonder he is having a hard time letting go of the A - I became his 'dream' girl. Complete with little self-esteem and a high sex-drive.

Shaking my head,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:42pm

Oh Xfallen,


I can relate...so many ways. I was his sounding board...his attorney, his sex slave, you name it, I became it...


And I would go to a hearing and he would never even ask the outcome...never asked anything at all. Rarely asked me about my day, it was all about him


I winded up calling him Mr. All About Me.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:46pm
Wow. I'm a guy but after reading so many stories on this site I realize that so many men really are bastards. Hang in there. Things will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:57pm

Nscoope,


I just wrote you a message and it was deleted before it posted for some reason, sorry. I just wanted to say stay a while here please and that you are welcome here. I also wanted to say hang in there and know that despite you being a male, we are happy to have you.


Brace up. You will have good and bad days. Its tough. But can be done. Leave her to her world and you control you. That is all you can do. Focus on you. Find a hobby or if you have one get into it some more, stay busy as you can. Hang in there. We are here to support you.


Oh and if you want more feedback you may want to post in the general discussion area. It gets more attention


Sorry, XFallenange l for the highjack....


Luvin


Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:17pm

Same story over and over. Once me and my x went out of town at about the same time - he had two flights to his destination, I had a five hours drive to mine. Next day I received an email from, stating he made it ok. If you think he cared to ask about my driving for 5 hours on interstate...think again..:) It was all about him, always - he'd even say it to me, thinking he's being funny. NOT.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:22pm

<<>>

Big ditto to what you wrote. Sad to realize, but in so many affairs, it is the woman who needs to please. And in the process, looses herself. It's part of the search for validation and ego boosting. BTDT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:38am

Great thread Fallen.


Yup- I too could have written your post. It's that dang fog- it makes us do stupid things. But, guess what, we escaped and now we can be ourselves. I am so glad I don't have to fake interest in his world anymore.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:07pm

Jane, I'm glad you brought that up - faking interest in XAP's world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:49pm

We A havers are so relationship dysfunctional!!!
I don't even know how to have a relationship, real or A, without obsessing about every teenie tiny detail and tidbit about my intended victim and then morphing my interests to suit that JAM. I think I'm a semi-expert on so many varied subjects only because I happen to have dated some interesting men in my time! ha!

"Oh, why YES! I find your interest in the great manitoba beaver's breeding habits to be mesmerizing! Tell me MORE."

"Lutefisk? Yummy!!!"

Yuck!!!!!!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 4:04pm

LOL, LOL, LOL.........


That was great Dee....really. My son thought I was watching something on youtube. Now he wants to know what Ivillage is....Uhhh....was not prepared for that question. I

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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