What I did vs. what he did

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
What I did vs. what he did
14
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:10pm

I was thinking tonight, on this three week anniversary of NC, about some of the things that I did. I think you'll be able to tell that I've been reading a lot on here and it's sinking in a little bit.

I became the person that he wanted me to be... I allowed him to mold me in to someone he would love.

1. He loves to play poker. So what did I do? I learned to play. Not well, but still, I learned the fundamentals so that when he played in tournaments, he could talk to me about them and I would understand what he was talking about.

2. He is a football fanatic. So, I became a football expert. I can carry on a conversation about football with any one now (luckily, my husband actually appreciates this about me now).

3. He enjoys working out and being in shape. Good shape. So what did I do? You got it. Joined a gym and became a fitness expert. Even took classes at the local college. I lost 30 pounds, and as I was turning 40 years old, was in the best shape of my life.

4. He loves movies. So, you guessed it, I watched all of the movies that he considered to be the best of all time. We also watched countless movies together. All the ones he picked out to watch were classics, all the ones I picked out to watch were stupid.

5. He loved to talk politics. I've never been much in to politics, but I can tell you, I am now.

6. I re-arranged my schedule so that we would have time together. I lied to my children, to my friends and to my H. I skipped classes, missed out on birthday parties and blew off dinner with friends so that I could be with him. On the few days where I had NOTHING going on, do you think he rearranged his schedule to make time for me? No.

These are just a few of the ways that I changed myself in hopes that he would love me. That he would want to spend more time with me.

Did he ever take the time to get involved in anything that I was interested in? That I was passionate about? No. Sometimes he would ask me a question, out of the blue, and I would look at him and say "OMG.. do you even know me?"

Just what I'm feeling right now. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 4:35pm

OMG - I love this thread. I love hearing that other women too were faking being interested - how manipulative was I!? At least he didn't fake being interested. I spoke so little, asked for so little that he was never put into that position. Yup, tell me more about what you have planned for your anniversary, having for dinner, yup - care a lot about her missing you, needing you - the great trip you were planning.

Please tell me more.

Puke.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 6:05pm
xAP climbs mountains. So yep, you guessed it, I became an expert of sorts on it. He is on a quest to climb all the "must climbs" in the US. I can't tell ya how much research I did, how many YouTube videos I watched. I ordered maps and studied them. I had to study info so I could ask informed and intelligent questions! Spew!! I gave him a huge gift card to buy new equipment. I bought him new maps and climbing gear. I even watched a trail head web cam online for hours just to catch a glimpse of him loitering in front of it. (he knew it was there and that I'd be watching) I went on a small climb with him once and about collapsed from exhaustion - but I never let on. He thought I could handle it since I knew so much !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 6:15pm

OMG Band, I wasn't even going to bring up the money that I spent on xAP because it's so embarrassing. I bought him books, DVD's, clothes, sports memorabilia, dinners... ugh. I never spent a huge amount at one time, but over the course of 4 years, I can promise you I spent a bunch on him. Every time I went out of town, I brought him back something, even if it were just a pen or something small. Just so he would know that I thought of him. After he moved away 6 months ago, I would send him care packages, full of goodies that I knew he'd love.

So, ask me what I have that he bought me... go ahead, ask me.

NOTHING. I did have some nice lingerie that he bought for me, but I had to throw it away a while back because I was worried that H was snooping.

Nice, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:01pm

angel, sounds like our xAP's were alike. I never got gifts unless you count the t-shirt his brother bought for him that he passed on to me because it was too small.

I examined why I spent so much on xAP and why I paid for everything during our affair. It was an unconscious effort to be validated. I wanted him to know I cared and by buying gifts and paying for everything, that was my way of getting it. I got my little fixes I guess when he showed appreciation for me doing that. Of course he never said thank you for everything I did, but most times he did. He is a world class cheap, so in his mind I'm sure he was he was thinking oh goody, she's paying. This became a huge issue with me later towards the end of the affair. I still get worked up about it, but I do understand it better now. I can have a few laughs about his cheap ways and laugh at myself for being so blind, but in the end, it was me and my issues.

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