What I Have Learned
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| Thu, 09-03-2009 - 2:54pm |
I posted on here 4 or 5 months ago about my attempt at ending an affair with a married person. I was very disillusioned, thinking that we could remain friends, when, in fact, if you have strong loving feelings for someone, and they have them back for you- it is not possible unless those feelings can be open and honest to the world. Yes you COULD talk and you COULD "hang out," but that is no different than an affair because if the wife/husband knew, it would without a doubt be unacceptable.
Our case was one in which he truly believed that he could and would leave his situation because his marriage was unhappy, but what he didn't take the time to think about was that his marriage vow also included taking care of his step children. As much as I wanted him to leave, and as much as I still do love him the thought of him leaving his children for a woman is not the kind of man that I would ever want. Our relationship would have been scandalous, even if it was out in the open. I quit my job, told him how I felt, listened to how he felt, gave him some last hugs, and moved away as far as I possibly could to a new state. I knew if I stayed I would try to "be friends" which, in affair terms, means ripping off a scab over a big wound in your heart over and over so that you can never get over it and move on. You cannot be friends, because if your AP is someone that you truly love, being friends is what got you in this predicament in the first place. This, on the other hand, means if our AP is ever single, and really does/did love you, if you should meet again, you will probably fall in love again. An affair is a dishonest situation and no dishonest situation can be morally justified. It will destroy your self worth, your self esteem. It will make you hate yourself, if not make you hurt yourself physically.
After I moved we still spoke. We didn't say "I love you" or "I miss you." We were pretending to be "just friends" just like what I was doing when I lived near him. I was still ripping off that same scab. I still wanted to be with him. I was waiting for him to tell me we would never be together, but the three times I asked him to say it to me even if he didn't mean it, he could not and would not say it. If the situation were reversed, I would hope that I would have the courage to say those words, but, honestly, if he asked me to say that to him I think I selfishly would not be able to.
After 3 months of calling, laughing, and smiling on the phone, the rest of me was falling apart. I cried myself to sleep at night, I had no motivation to get up and do anything, I hated myself, and I started having terrible racing thoughts. I got so depessed that I started to have psychotic hallucinations, even though I knew they were not real. I went to counseling as soon as I got here, and she was an excellent counselor, but what I didn't realize was that talking to him was killing me. I was referred to a psychiatrist because I was so depressed. She immediately got on the phone with a psychiatric hospital, told them to be expecting a patient, and said if I did not go there now that she would have the police come get me. I did not go for several hours until the police were going to take me. I went and saw people with diapers, no shoe laces, that could not speak, drooling over themselves and this was where I was supposed to be. I passed the psychiatric examination that said, despite the recommendation of the psychiatrist, that I did not have to be admitted there for an extended period.
This was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I would have been there for weeks while they tested different medication on me. My only real problem was that I was STILL having an affair.
I came home, spoke to my counselor, and FINALLY someone told me that eventually, to get better, I will just never be able to talk to him again, even if I love him and he loves me.
I was going to wait until I was "ready" and was very upset by her suggestion. As soon as I went home I knew it was unbearable to delay such a horrible conversation. I called him as soon as I could, told him that I felt like we were still having an affair to which he agreed. I told him I could not imagine a wold where I didn't talk to him, and he was very sad and asked if I could just get some medicine to get me through being depressed. I asked if he thought there was a pill to make me not like him anymore. He said probably not. I said well I probably can not continue to talk to you anymore. I told him everything I thought of him, how awesome I thought he was, how awesome of a person he was and how much I loved him. He asked if he could think about it over the weekend and call me back. I initially agreed and hung up, but called him back 5 or 10 minutes later to say that I decided it already, and he said that he realized he would be a scum bag if he tried to stand in the way. He said he didn't think our love needed to be maintained through phone conversations and that if it is real then we will be together someday, but until then talking is just as much an affair as touching. We said a few other things to each other, I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me and that is the last time that I spoke to him or contacted him in any way, shape, or form.
I have wanted to call him more times than I can count since then, but it has been somewhere around a month and I have not. The main motivation to not calling him is that I remember the immense pain and agony that I felt the moment I hung up from him for the last time. I never want to feel that pain ever again, and I never want to feel the pain of having an affair again. I feel like someday I will talk to him again, though I don't know what circumstance it will be under. But it will not be for at least 5 years, and even then I think it would be best for him to contact me. I still love him dearly, but I know that those feelings will sink down somewhere inside me, just like when a pet or family member dies.
I know this was really long, but to all the ladies and men out there that are having an affair, or trying to be friends, please stop because you are going to destroy everything that you are. Find a counselor, even if it is expensive (i don't have insurance but I still pay) to help you through it. I feel so much better now knowing that it is over. I have peace in my heart because I am no longer doing something dishonest. This whole thing, from start to finish, lasted somewhere around a year. I thought the affair was over when we stopped touching, then I thought it was over when I moved, but it isn't over until it's totally over.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
thank you for your story.
did you know that computers that endlessly timeout/get stuck/and, go over and over the same 'code' - into eternity-
are, in programmer language, 'locked in a deadly embrace.'
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h
Hi
Im so sorry you had to go through all of that. Your story has definitely helped me see the importance of NC so thank you.
But i agree with the others. You have to stop thinking of your A as true love. True love means that you and him would have ended up together no mater what.
gal, i
was a little concerned and gave some, perhaps misplaced, tough love in your earlier post. i'm glad to see you write this post.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h