What I saw this morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
What I saw this morning.
17
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 11:51am

This is Day 7 of TOTAL COMMITTED NC. I spent entirely way too much time thinking about him over the weekend. I sat quietly by myself, imagining his face, remembering his words, trying to process what I was feeling. Somewhere in my subconscious I must have made some progress, because you know what I saw this morning? ...

I saw that he was no more than a prop in my own dysfunctional play. He might as well have been a cardboard box.

This A had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Recognizing this--instead of dwelling on the false hope, escape, thrill and excitement of the A--is helping me take full ownership of the issue. It is

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 12:23pm

Great revelation Always!

When we realize that the other person is JAM (just a man) it greatly helps the healing process. I took things personally for a long time - and I'm still working on it - but my fog-free existance shows me that there is nothing I could have said or done to make anything different. I can only work on me.

One of my favorite Buddhist quote:

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 1:06pm

You've had a real punch through the fog moment and I'm thrilled for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 1:38pm
Always,
Chica! There u go...u r on ur way. Blessings will flow from this Aha moment! Your the truth! That's slang for u being the Shiz...I could say your the mother f'in truth but then I would be being a bad girl. See what u can finally see with NC...happy u r on ur way n we are all with you...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:37pm

(((Bodhi, Dee, Luvin)))

Thanks. Way more than you realize, your support means the world to me. I let a lot of people down--but mostly myself and I'm really the only one who matters :P -- by going back after trying to end it twice. This is the third time and as Iddy said, the third time was the charm for her, too. I know without a doubt that I will not go back for another round. I also know that there will be ups and downs through the healing process. But

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:10pm

Well done Always and thank you. This is so poignant for me to read right now as I'm going through a similar thing. I've tried to end it before and it feels different this time. I am also going through therapy which has made me realise that no-one apart from me is going to be able to change anything and that feels empowering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:19pm
Sometimes the biggest insights come from the quiet places in our heads, my friend. Am glad you are feeling differently this time around. I am too. I'm here if you need to lean on someone.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:28pm

Third time is definitely the charm.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:29pm

((Alwayst))

<>

If you are feeling at all the way I was feeling the 3rd time out, then you already know it's different this time. It finally hits us over the head that we were just beating a dead horse, and problably looked pretty pathetic, KWIM?

Great news on the revelation thing, and they will keep coming the longer you are in NC. I had many of them, but now it's been so long, I can't even remember... All I know is that whatever they were, they definitely kept me on the straight and narrow.

Keep at it, girl. It's working. :smileywink:

(((Hugs)))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:40pm

First of alll, Hello and CONGRATULATIONS ON A GOOD 7 DAYS!

Im of the same MINDSET as you - in that Im taking FULL responsibility for myself and why I chose to engage in such a toxic relationship.

I heard something the other day - that when youve got a victim mentality - you look at the world and ask "Why??? WHY ME?!!? Why does all this HAPPEN to me!!??"

Whereas when you're ready to be large and in charge - you ask a different set of questions...WHAT was it about me that allowed me to do this? WHO am I that I walked into an A and then thought that I"D be different and get what "I" wanted in the end - without considering REALITY?

I think that the MOMENT you are willing to look more at yourself (not to blame, chastise, or whip yourself some more) but to BE ACCOUNTABLE for what you bring and allow to stay in your life - is a HUGE WAKE UP CALL.

It is so much more empowering to realize what you're in control of:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:45pm

I also had a different perspective on the term "healing process." It was a lightbulb moment (yes, I'm blonde). I realized "healing" doesn't mean getting over him. It means fixing myself!!!!

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