What I saw this morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
What I saw this morning.
17
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 11:51am

This is Day 7 of TOTAL COMMITTED NC. I spent entirely way too much time thinking about him over the weekend. I sat quietly by myself, imagining his face, remembering his words, trying to process what I was feeling. Somewhere in my subconscious I must have made some progress, because you know what I saw this morning? ...

I saw that he was no more than a prop in my own dysfunctional play. He might as well have been a cardboard box.

This A had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Recognizing this--instead of dwelling on the false hope, escape, thrill and excitement of the A--is helping me take full ownership of the issue. It is

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:45pm

new season! hahahahahha "good hair" hahahhahahahahha

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:49pm

Thanks Always, that means a lot and is good to know. And you the offer is there for you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 4:28pm
newlife...hahaha....Good hair is important...hahaha!...Actually, that came from something I remebered about her when she was previously on the board....
BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:48pm

I loved your revelation - and can just see those lightbulbs going off above your head.

Things that have been really important for me to recognize are:

1) He never took care of me while in the affair, HIS needs always came first, so I can not expect him to take care of me outta this affair as HIS needs still come first. This refers to the endless fishing attempts, and out and out total disregard for my wellbeing, my family and my career. Because of his fishing I made a choice to leave a contract and have walked away from friends to create distance from him. His inability/unwillingness to empathize with me has meant that even after 6 months NC, he continues to try and engage me.

2) I did not love him. I did not care about him. If I did, I would NOT have encouraged him to behave in such self-destructive behaviours: lying, cheating, manipulating, unsafe sex, drinking, etc ...I would have encouraged him to work on his marriage and stayed as a friend. He would still be in my life if I knew what I know now.

3) He did not love me. He did not care about me. If he did he would not have encouraged me to behave in self-destructive behaviors that lead to the eventual separation from my Husband. He would have encouraged me to work on my marriage and stayed as my friend. He would still be in my life now.

4) People who are living in affairs come to have very distorted thought processes that are difficult to unlearn once the affair ends.

5) Most people will need the assistance of a therapist to work through the complicated grief and loss issues associated with an affair and to (re) build a sense of self.

6) Affairs are gendered - meaning that, in my opinion and through observation (and yes there are always outliers), women come to replicate the very care-taking, self-sacrificing roles that bog them down in their RL's, while most of the men tend to behave with the same kinda privilege/entitlement they experience in RL. Sorry, those feminist lenses don't suspend easily. It's a paper I would like to one day write.If you look up signs that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, affairs have many of the same indicators in terms of impacts on the AP will the least 'power'.

7) The gig will one day be up and it will not end by riding off into the sunset with your AP - more importantly, you will be one day so freaking glad that's the case! You'll have dodged a bullet.

8) Ya, and all that heartache while in the affair? It's caused by forgetting our place and thinking that we are actually in some kind of "relationship" and that regular rules, expectations and assumptions apply. We are not their girlfriends or partners, we are some little secret that they are happy to accommodate as long as we don't require too much. We will not be regarded with the same kind of respect that you should expect in any other relationship. Not before, not during, and NOT in ending the affair.

9) We were NOT friends. This has been one of the MOST important lessons, and while the reasons for that have been shared time and time again here, it seems to be the hardest concept for people to get their heads around. However, if you realize you weren't friends during the affair, it is a heck of a lot easier to realize why you won't be missing their "friendship" after the affair.

10) You have no idea what it is to experience the consequences of your affair, or how much pain can be felt UNTIL you have experienced a DDay. This goes x 100 when you see the impacts on your children. Even if there isn't a Dday, children are impacted by affairs by the despicable, inconsistent emotional state of the cheating parent.

11) NC is the ONLY FREAKING WAY! and IS NOT something one does to try and give the "other" a taste of their own medicine, or as a tactic to get them to chase after you and beg you to come back.

Well, that was more than I expected!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 9:45am

Oh, TU. You are so very, very wise. I have always drawn so much truth from your postings. You have a gifted way of saying what some of us

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 9:52am

TU, every day, I learn so much from you.

To think once I doubted and "fought" your words...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 1:22pm
Thank you Always for the Lovely words ... it's amazing isn't it, how we grow and learn from one another. I have learned these insights from trusting and paying attention to the posters here, and by taking an honest look at the devastation I have caused almost every significant relationship in my life. I am now taking the time and energy I invested in my affair, and using it to re-build those relationships and pay it forward here! Love that you are back.

And MOM ... I am so glad that Luvin has expressed to you how grateful we are to have YOU back. You and I have a special kinda bond I think - I was the toughest on you than I had ever been with a new poster - EVER. And I know that you felt hurt by my words, but you came back. Not only that, but you set an example for all the others who have ran away from the "reality checks" here how to come back and get it right! I am so freaking proud of you because that is NOT an easy thing to do. Easier to sit and feel sorry for oneself in the shadow of this board than to face up to our temper tantrums. There is a learning curve here that's for sure!

And copy away - one day it will be you that a newbie turns to!

TU.

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