What I struggle with the most
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-23-2010 - 9:51am |
20 days of NC and its okay. In the A there was lots and lots of daily contact and thought I'd really miss the bazillion texts, ph calls, occasional meetings and I did in the first couple of days, but now I am okay. I am okay because I am still fueled by anger.
Here is what I struggle with and need advice on how to let go or resolve it.
The A ended with two phone calls from him with his wife standing by telling me it was over, we would never be, he didn't love me, never had and he was going to selvage his marriage. His tone was angry and hurtful. I didn't say anything but just listened, then he threw me under the bus and handed the phone to his wife and told me I needed to apologize to her. I did for about 45 minutes. Then another phone call and meeting with the wife last weekend. More questions answered, more apologies. Of course there was also one final email from him about a minute after apologizing to his wife where he said he would get another phone, find a way to contact me and still loved me.
I am angry I didn't get to ask why did he put me through that charade? He had been saying for weeks he wanted the A out in the open, he wanted to tell his wife and walk away. Instead he was a coward, threw me away and went back to his wife.
Really, in the end it is the best thing for all of us. I am checking back into my life with my H and my kids. I am calmer and not as disengaged as before, but I still have questions, why put on that it, was it for her as well as him? How could he yell at me one minute and then profess his love in an email the next? Yeah I know, the power of lying.
I will have to let it go. He had his turn and telling me how it is, his wife had hers, but I didn't get mine and that is what bugs me. Any thoughts on how to just LET IT GO?
Thanks--

Just do it. Just let it go. What he did was so beyond cowardly. I can't imagine having to sit and apologize to xap's W for 45 mins. You certainly paid your dues with that one. I am so mad for you. But we say it over and over on this board... getting in one last word does nothing. What is done is done. The A is over. You need to move on. Telling him how you feel will do nothing. You may think it will give you closure, but blocking and walking will give you more and will send a much louder message. Remember, silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. Just stick to it and little by little, you will feel yourself letting go.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Movingon,
I think this is the question most of us struggle with the most. In your case, he was able to do it because he is a lying coward. But you already know that.
Letting go of the unanswered questions is difficult and painful. However, little by little, day by day, you will start loosening your grip on those questions and you'll begin to realize it doesn't matter, just like Jane says. I mean really, what
MovingON
OMG...another realization..., yes, what COULD HE SAY that would make it okay for what he did? Nothing? More lies so he could hide the affair and have his cake and eat it too? I said those hateful things so our A could continue? You know I love you, but I had to throw W off the track? When I think of that way, its pathetic to think I'd want an explanation from him.
Yes, must just let go. I let go meeting with the wife this weekend (did so because she is holding over my head going to my husband) and again he threw me under the bus with telling her all the things I had done, but not the things he had done that would upset her. I just answered yes to them, but SOOOOO wanted to say what he did or arranged, but let it go. Same thing here, just have to let it go.
Read through older posts last night and didn't realize not blocking FB (even though we have not communicated) was breaking NC. We haven't spoken, texted or emailed but I did look at his picture, we aren't friends, but can see part of his wall and admit have looked at that, but last night blocked him. It's all done. No more reminders and that is what it will take to let it go.
Thanks!
MovingON
Yes, you are right. I was checked out of M long before the A happened. A set of circumstances and naivety on my part got me into the fantasy A.
I did cover up for a long time and this was evidenced by remember we only text and talk, never meet and this is what we only talk about it. He would say it was to protect me, but jokes on me, it was to protect him.
I guess I believed all he said, wasn't looking for a knight in shinning armor, just someone to love and pay attention to me. I knew it would be a financial loss with xAP, but dumb me was willing to take that risk, all for the sake of love for finding my soul-mate. Sheesh, I cringe at those words know.
But in the end, I stopped covering up. I finally told the truth and then I was told by xAP I was lying, he still wouldn't give it up.
How do you NOT beat yourself up for what you did, participating in an A? I know I made a mistake and the best way to learn from your mistakes is to NOT repeat the same mistake. I am not going down that A path again, not ever.
Thanks.
MovingON
It's natural to beat yourself up. And you will for awhile. And then one day, you will be ready to forgive yourself and you will and you will move on. You can't beat yourself up forever, so when you are ready, when you have faced your demons and addressed your issues, you will let it go.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/