This is what I would say if I sent this.
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| Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:31pm |
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OG
THis is what i would say if i had sent this.
I am sorry I have called you, so many times this week,it is the process I had to go through, to realize what happened. Yes silly me, couldnt believe you broke up with me. (yes my ego hurt) but you are the better person for doing it. I truly mean this, Is all I want for you, is to be happy. and I know I cant give that too you, now.
I was being so selfish, using this relationship to make me feel better about myself. But all it was doing was making you fall for me, harder and hurting you. You kept telling me, like the sports car thing you said. "Its like test driving a really cool sport car, but not owning it." But I didnt listen, I wanted you, at all costs. I am the one that should be sorry, for not breaking things off sooner. I was hurting you so much, I didnt want to see it. But I dont know why I couldnt do it, or see what I was doing to you. I realized you were looking for something, different than I was. For awhile when you thought you could just live the life you were in, then you could deal with our relationship. But when we had all these challenges in front of us, it was too much, for our already fragile relationship. It just made you have to do what you did, break it off with me. Which I am glad you did.
It been a tough week!, and yes I am hurting, but the pain is less, everyday, as I am realizing this was for the good. I have no idea how you are feeling (though since you broke up with me, I am sure that made it easier, I also know that it has been on your mind for awhile, and were alot further along than I was), and I am not mad at you, at all now.(yes I was at the time) You did what I should of done, but couldnt. Yes we really cared about each other, and it hurts. But what you said made sense. About all the obstacles we faced. So it was useless, to continue and further hurt ourselves. Please dont hate me for loving you. Ok? and for me living in this fantasy world that I had in my head. You really had me pegged, didnt you, and I kept trying to pull you in that world too, I am very sorry about that.
I know now that it is best, that you didnt call me back.( I should of known that, at the time) I had to leave those msgs, so I could get over you, and that was very wrong of me. I thought i was a stronger person, but I guess I am not. I am trying so hard to be strong, but sometimes I have to just call you, and leave a msg, to hear your voice. It makes me feel better and helps the whole process of getting on with my life. But, I dont know what it does to you. I dont know if sending an email back to me, expressing all you are upset with me about, will make you feel any better. You are more than welcome too, I will deserve it.
I know that last few weeks have been very tense and I have been a bitch to you and not very understanding, I think I felt you pulling away, and didnt like that. But that was your process of getting ready to break up with me. I was also not myself.
All I can say, is I cant wait for you to get out of your miserable marriage. Get a place of your own, and find this wonderful, very hot tall blonde or brunette, 30 year old, very intelligent, cultured woman, that makes you feel all the things that you deserve to feel, all the things you made me feel, that will make you happy. You have so much to give, so much love and I understand now (but I didnt understand at the time, why you were holding back with me.) It just hurt too much.
I have no regrets, because I remember the when we were first talking about not letting feeling get involved in our relationship. You couldnt understand how anyone could do that. I quoted this " Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again -- this is the brave and happy life." -- J.E. Buckrose
You then responded "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein..." you then said." if you think about it...a very profound statement". You had so much insight and have so much passion in everything you do. I learned so much from you, and in our relationship. You helped me discover myself, and try things I would never consider doing (like raw oysters) and a few other things, I wont mention. You opened up my eyes to all sorts of things. and make me feel what I felt with you, that no other guy has been able to do. So I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, though it still hurts a little now. For everything you gave me, and I hope that you got some good things out of our relationship too. I am so happy I had found you, and experienced this. Now all I want for you, is to find that special person to make you feel the same way. I am not a jealous person, I dont feel that if I cant have you, no one can. Time will pass and you to find out what you want in life.
What will happen with me. I dont know, I am just going to and live one day at a time.
Thank you, for everything! You will be missed!

trying,
its a start, im glad u are trying to help yourself, im hope that wrting and posting here helps u
pls post whenever u want, we are all here to listen and give support
max
Your letter made me cry, even if you didn't send it. It could have been a letter that I could send to my XOM if and when I get over the bitterness. I was really touched that you could look at the whole picture and want only the best for him. I want to be there. My OM was also the one that ended it and I hurt like hell. I know it was the right thing to do and I probably wasn't going to be the one that would end it. I couldn't give him what he needed and it was time to let go. I know in my heart that he is a good man and didn't want to ever hurt me. We were in a no-win situation. I can't quite get to where you are right now. I hope to get past the hurting some day and be happy for him. Right now I have to take care of me.
I thought I would be able to handle it when OM (who is getting a divorce) would start dating again and that I would be happy for him. I have spent the last year preparing myself for this. Oh Boy, was I wrong!!!! Anyway, I too am living one day at a time. Good luck and take care.
I read your story. Wow you do have a complicated one. Luckily mine lives 100 miles away from me, so the chance of us running into each other is very slim. As I was reading your situation, I was thinking what can I say to her, that someone hasnt said. All the advice was good. What make yours whole affair so complex, is the fact that your H and the OM are friends. This makes the chance to forget about him, even tougher. I liked the advice about telling him to not contact you. And when you see him, make sure you are not alone. I can see why seeing him with his lastest gf is tough. I am not a revengeful person, but if you started acting more affectionate around your H, in front of him, that would make you feel better, he might think you are trying to rekindle things with the H, and then leave you alone. I dont know if the H, would return the affection, but it wouldnt hurt, especially if you dont plan on leaving H, and want to see if you can get things worked out. I am kinda throwing things out here, I am still trying to get familar with your situation. I am no expert her, and I am sure that many that read this post, may not agree with my tactics.
Maybe you can fill me in with what you think.
Wow!! That was a beautiful post. It brought back so many memories for me from the feelings I had for my om and an e-mail I sent him so long ago. I hope you are doing well and that writing that helped you lots!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige