what if he calls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
what if he calls?
8
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 2:51pm

Day 9, NC, after a 5-year EA/sexual A.

I've got my whole drama on the AAS board, but some say I should be posting here. I'll keep up with my thread there, and won't cross post.

Day 9. Wanna make it until Day 21. And then make it until Day Forever. It takes 21 days to break a habit, and I'm hellbound to keep NC. I've been binge drinking rot-gut whiskey nearly every night for years now over my xAP, intentionally to the point of blacking out and passing out. I'm very literally killing myself over my him.

NC is the *only* way I'm going to survive.

My xAP always had a way of reeling me back in at other times when there's been a period of mutual NC.

I think it's *way* too soon to start worrying about him contacting me, but if our last 5 years is any guide, he eventually will. I'm thinking, give it another month or two.

I want to be mentally, emotionally prepared when he does. It'll probably be through e-mail instead of a phone call, by the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 3:41pm

Welcome to EAS leafie!


It's great that you are anticipating what you know will eventually happen, he will try to contact.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 3:59pm

I'm with energy regarding the drinking. Ya gotta stop.


And besides why were you drinking every night over this man? For years?


So very sorry you are going through this, but there comes a time we have to admit to ourselves this has to stop. Not only is the affair dangerous and destructive, but the drinking is just as well. I'm sure you know that though.


Read everything you can here, old and new posts. Weekends here are slow, so take the time to read. Big hugs and I'm sending lots of support your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 4:46pm

Thanks, both of you.

The drinking. Hmm. Why am I trying to kill myself by doing so?

In a nutshell, on an emotional level, my life has been brutal. Awesome in other respects, but emotionally . . . not so. Even years before I ever took to the bottle to numb the pain. Family issues, racial issues, nationality issues, death issues, molestation as a child issues, etc. Name any kind of issue. I've probably got it.

I'm really strong, otherwise I wouldn't have made it to my age (47). Despite all the issues, I not only managed to survive, but eek out a decent life for myself.

The relationship with my xAP tore off the lid to my emotional Pandora's box of issues. Any given one of them, I went through in a span of a few months, or a few years, but eventually somehow dealt with them, and then moved on.

The EA/sexual A pretty much made me revisit all those issues, all at the same time. It's an understatement to say that I was overwhelmed by having to deal with all of them again, at the *same* time. So much immediate pain, that the bottle was the only thing that could offer instant "relief."

It's only been 9 days of NC, but I'm already feeling the very beginnings of peace.

With as much and as long as I've been drinking over xAP, I'm sure now that my dependence on alcohol has deepened from merely an emotional crutch, to a full blown chemical dependency. I know that that alone is going to take all the strength I have to get past. I just know that I couldn't even begin to tackle that problem without FIRST getting rid of my EA/SA, and absolutely ending it for once and for all.

He'll eventually try to contact me. Even seeing my xAP's name on a new e-mail in my inbox has the power to completely destabilize me. Even if I don't read it. And I know I won't have the power to delete it without reading it first. And, I know I'll be a goner if I do, and head straight back into the EA.

Well, ladies, thanks for making it crystal clear. I need to close out my e-mail account. Maybe even change my phone. He has enough discipline and restraint to not push further if those first couple of doors are shut tight. Like, I know I don't have to worry about him knocking on my front door or going to my job if he's unsuccessful with an e-mail first, followed by an unsuccessful phone call. He's been as hurt by the EA/SA as I have been. I'm 100% sure that he'll figure out why he can't reach me, and he won't push it past that point. Just as I'm 100% sure that he *will* try to contact me after a couple of months of NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 11:45am

leafiegreenz,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:20pm

Leafie~


First I would like to welcome you to our community. I have read your

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 5:45pm

Holding my head in my hands. Weeping. Overwhelmed by the emotions and memories that are flooding through my mind right now.

Called my shrink a few minutes ago and left a message that I'd like to resume therapy again, but want to first achieve a chunk of time under my belt of being sober, because I don't think any additional therapy will be effective if I'm still drinking.

Weeping. Overwhelmed. This is why I drink. For the sweet oblivion.

Closing out that e-mail account seems like a daunting task. It's been my primary e-mail account for years.

All the e-mail exchanges between my xAP and me are in that account, in a special folder.

I've got to delete that folder, I know. I've got to close that account.

A daunting task.

Day 10 of NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 11:44pm

Day 11 of NC, day 2 of sobriety.

My perspective on things is getting better. I can do this. It's time I start dealing with the self-esteem issues. I've got a good support network.

I can do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 12:03am

Hang in there and be the strongest you can be for YOU !!


there is glorious light and freedom waiting for you


((hugs))