What if you could go back in time?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:12pm |
I know for sure I wish I had acted with more self-respect. Many times I let him get away with treating me in ways that were just not right. I didn't stand up for myself at all. Sometimes I became who he wanted me to be instead of being myself and also at times got overly emotional and dramatic. At times I got almost stalkerly - this I'm especially not proud of - peering out my window at him - obsessed with everything he did. I got so dependent on his attention and jealous and insecure. I pushed away my husband and was short with my children. I closed myself from my family and friends - they probably all wonder what happened to me.
You know, when I look honestly at what the affair did to me, I think I need to change my answer to that first question...if I could go back in time I would not have kissed him.
What would you do differently?

I had a minor EMOTIONAL set back after 3 months. Your posting was exactly what I needed. It reminded me of all the bad things that I became during the EMA (something that he wanted, "stalker girl", someone who was ok to be 2nd best, someone who sat around waiting for him etc etc etc). All of those things are so NOT who I am in "real life." It was a nice reminder (and quite embarrassing) to remember the person that I transformed into just for him.
Thanks again.
OH, and, I don't know what I would do if I could go back in time...I've given it a great deal of thought. As someone who believes everything happens for a reason, I just have to believe that I've learned something...
careful
If I could go back...I would have trusted my gut and stopped the flirting as soon as it began...I would not have taken this man seriously at all...should have laughed it off and gone about my business...
I'm still struggling with what exactly did I learn from this...it's only been five months since we ended it...maybe it was a mid-life crisis...I loved all that attention and feeling of power...it's nice to know you can still turn someone on at my advanced age, LOL...but I know one thing...I'm never going there again...next time, if a man starts paying too much attention, I will RUN...right back to my h.
Would I do it over again? Absolutely not.
I regret completely my actions, although I am grateful for what I have learned about myself, human nature and my husband. I regret every moment I have spent depressed, on the phone or on line instead of taking care of my son or myself or my marriage. I regret putting my husband though that hell, and know he may never recover from it completely. I did leave my DH, stood in front of a judge and virtually ended our marriage (legal separation with a long waiting period is the only option in our county... thank God). XMM claimed to be not far behind. When he went into marriage counseling, I knew I was being used as a bandaid for what was lacking in his marriage, and turned back to my husband. XMM seemed perfect, the synergy amazing, but in the end it was all about his needs being met, and it was up to me to end it. It still took me almost a year to end it completely, give up trying to be friends, but now that I am truly free, I can never imagine going back to the lies, and pain, and self-deception. What everyone has been saying makes sense now. It was a fantasy. Despite the good times, it was never worth it.
NCNCNCNCNCNCNC!!!
Good luck, everyone!
Lala