What if you could go back in time?

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What if you could go back in time?
7
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:12pm
I think the most important thing we can do (once an affair ends) is learn from it so the mistake is not repeated. I read this question on another board - What would you do differently if you could go back in time and 'relive' it all? I thought a long time about this question. Would I have said no that very first time he kissed me? I know I should have (and actually I did, but it was eventually followed by a yes) but a part of me can't imagine not having the affair -it has been such a big part of the last 4 years of my life. It has been a nighmare - no question, but there are times it has also felt heavenly, so can I say I wish it never happened?

I know for sure I wish I had acted with more self-respect. Many times I let him get away with treating me in ways that were just not right. I didn't stand up for myself at all. Sometimes I became who he wanted me to be instead of being myself and also at times got overly emotional and dramatic. At times I got almost stalkerly - this I'm especially not proud of - peering out my window at him - obsessed with everything he did. I got so dependent on his attention and jealous and insecure. I pushed away my husband and was short with my children. I closed myself from my family and friends - they probably all wonder what happened to me.

You know, when I look honestly at what the affair did to me, I think I need to change my answer to that first question...if I could go back in time I would not have kissed him.

What would you do differently?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:43pm
Thanks for your post...

I had a minor EMOTIONAL set back after 3 months. Your posting was exactly what I needed. It reminded me of all the bad things that I became during the EMA (something that he wanted, "stalker girl", someone who was ok to be 2nd best, someone who sat around waiting for him etc etc etc). All of those things are so NOT who I am in "real life." It was a nice reminder (and quite embarrassing) to remember the person that I transformed into just for him.

Thanks again.

OH, and, I don't know what I would do if I could go back in time...I've given it a great deal of thought. As someone who believes everything happens for a reason, I just have to believe that I've learned something...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:45pm
Wow, tough question. Hindsight is usually 20/20 but I don't see it that clearly yet. I remember during the A XOM often said will you regret this someday and I always said never. I had no idea then how much it would one day hurt so badly. So, logically I should say that to protect myself from hurt I too should have said no to that first kiss. But to be totally honest I am not at that point yet. Almost 4 months of NC and I still don't regret it and I still hurt like he--. What sense does that make?? On one hand I am so thankful my H or family never found out and is still intact. I really would have hated myself for hurting them. Things are safe and calm here again. But on the other hand, as lame as it may sound, I found out after 40+ years how to really love a man. I still believe I was in love with OM and always will be. We experienced a fantastic connection and I want to believe there was some reason this happened. It may be years before I figure it out. Thanks crystal clr for asking this question and allowing me to reflect for awhile! :)

careful
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:01pm
Going back in time and being able to do things differently...now that's a pretty tough question to answer, no matter what situation it reffers to in life. Would I go back and change anything that I did with MM or the A....nope, not a thing. Although my A was a bit different than most, and was very short lived. Only lasted six weeks, and no sex was involved. And when it came down to it, and his W found out and told him to stop talking to me, he could not decide what to do, so I was the one to break it off. Do I regret that decision? Sometimes I do, but that's when I'm hurting and being very selfish. For the most part, I am glad I did it, it was the right thing to do. I couldn't handle t he idea of hurting anyone, and I knew he needed to try to make things work there. If things don't work, maybe we'll get a second chance one day. But I wouldn't change anything about the A, or how I acted during it, and yes, I would do it again if given the chance to go back. It hurt a lot to say goodbye, but I will forever cherish the memories of how happy we made each other and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to meet such a wonderful person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:07pm
Same here, crystal...the jealousy, insecurity, emotional ups and downs...for nearly three years, I simply checked out of my m and family life...what a shame to waste such precious moments on a fantasy...I could have lived without this kind of excitement. I even let some of my female friendships go because I was too preoccupied with my "secret."

If I could go back...I would have trusted my gut and stopped the flirting as soon as it began...I would not have taken this man seriously at all...should have laughed it off and gone about my business...

I'm still struggling with what exactly did I learn from this...it's only been five months since we ended it...maybe it was a mid-life crisis...I loved all that attention and feeling of power...it's nice to know you can still turn someone on at my advanced age, LOL...but I know one thing...I'm never going there again...next time, if a man starts paying too much attention, I will RUN...right back to my h.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 7:45am
This is a no brainer for me....

Would I do it over again? Absolutely not.

I regret completely my actions, although I am grateful for what I have learned about myself, human nature and my husband. I regret every moment I have spent depressed, on the phone or on line instead of taking care of my son or myself or my marriage. I regret putting my husband though that hell, and know he may never recover from it completely. I did leave my DH, stood in front of a judge and virtually ended our marriage (legal separation with a long waiting period is the only option in our county... thank God). XMM claimed to be not far behind. When he went into marriage counseling, I knew I was being used as a bandaid for what was lacking in his marriage, and turned back to my husband. XMM seemed perfect, the synergy amazing, but in the end it was all about his needs being met, and it was up to me to end it. It still took me almost a year to end it completely, give up trying to be friends, but now that I am truly free, I can never imagine going back to the lies, and pain, and self-deception. What everyone has been saying makes sense now. It was a fantasy. Despite the good times, it was never worth it.

NCNCNCNCNCNCNC!!!

Good luck, everyone!

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:24pm
Dear all who responded: This is my first day of NC and I was so glad to read your responses to this thought-provoking question. It's still way too early for me to answer this, but I felt so empowered in reading your thoughts. You all regretted your own selfishness in the A and the areas of your life that were neglected and that's just what I needed to hear this morning! I ended my A because it was hurting so many people - my H, his W, our kids (the A was actually more of an R and somewhat out in the open). I am so ashamed to admit that I was selfishly remaining in my A with OMM, a younger, very hot man, because he made me feel so good, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Meanwhile, OMM was actually falling so deeply in love with me that he instituted a divorce and of course he wife is heartbroken. On more than one occasion, I told him I felt the same way, that I saw a future with him, but when push came to shove I wasn't able to end my marriage. I feel so awful today about how much I hurt him and how much of his time I wasted. Nothing good was going to come of this relationship, I just never imagined that that first kiss was ever going to bring this much pain to so many people. Thanks to you all for sharing your insights.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:51pm
I had a code, before I had this EMA, that no matter what, I wouldn't be alone in a room with a man. I felt comfortable with flirting with men but never, ever insinuated that I would ever be alone in a room with them.... I honestly thought I could control what happened between us that first day, that I could control it, that he was young and impulsive...... but it didn't work..... I didn't make love to him that day.... but he certainly attempted...... I should have known that he couldn't control his emotions, that he was weak... but no........ I feel for it all..... never again will I be alone in a room with a man other than my husband.. I never had a problem before I broke my code......