What "Lies" Ahead?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
What "Lies" Ahead?
15
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 4:38pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 5:13pm

Em, that's a great lesson and great story too.


Ok, what lies did I tell ? hmm...


I Love You, I adore You. -

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 5:45pm

Hello our long-winded friend :) Here is my long-winded 2 cents :)

Personally I don't think that lies between partners are limited to A situations. I know of quite a few single people who were so in love, got married and ended up with horrendously manipulative and dishonest partners with tons of evil skeletons in their closets (past physical abuse on a spouse, hidden past marriages and children, lying about their financial status or health, etc.) Sounds like your friend's mom ended up with one of those people.

People always want to believe in best in others, and it hurts when we find out we're being deceived.

People in A's lie a lot in general because the situation in itself requires much deception to be kept alive. I am single and I remember lying to pretty much everyone in my family and friends at some point, because of the 'shame' of being involved with a MM. And obviously he had to lie to his W. He also lied to me on a number of things, in the hopes that I would remain in the affair and not leave him.

>> Is it A fog? Is it that the OW or in some cases OM wants to believe that their AP is a good person and so they chose to believe the AP’s words as gospel i.e. they must be having the A because “their spouse” is a bad person—doesn’t care—is not meeting their needs?

My opinion is that 'A fog' and 'Infatuation' are very similar. They involve the same hormonal cocktail. When you're dating someone new and you're falling in love, they can do no wrong.... and at some point those chemicals fade away and real life bonding sets in, with a real person, warts and all. Or, you become disillusioned and you break up. Except than in an affair, you don't spend enough 'real life' time with the other person for the infatuation to dissipate and real-life bonding to take its place.

I don't think that everyone starts or rationalizes an A because their partner is not meeting their needs and is 'bad'. I've seen lots of cases here of ladies who had 'wonderful, perfect' husbands at home, still ended up in an affair, and couldn't quite explain it. As well as single people like myself - why end up in an affair if you're single? In my case I can boil it down to 'infatuation' with my xAP. He 'represented' everything I thought I wanted. Boy did I learn a lesson or two, lol

:-)

xoxo

trixie



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 6:18pm

OOOHHHH, good question!!!


What lies, oh my goodness there were tons:


He loved me,


He hated his wife and had divorce papers in his brief case.


He was going to get his wife admitted permanently to a pshycological hospital, she is an alcoholic.


He was ultimately making his way towards me, he just needed to get his life in order.


And this was the clincher for me,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 8:46pm

Hmmm.. I told several lies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 9:28pm

I have to say that I lied to myself more than anyone else - or at least equally as much. My own lies were to ease my troubled mind. Deep down I always knew that if I didn't justify it all, I'd crumble, the dream would fall apart and the cold hard facts would come crashing down around me. There included but were not limited to :


xAP and I could function as a real couple


He would learn to be true to one woman


I could keep him interested enough, indefinitely


Our sex life was unique


Our romance was unique


Eventually I could break him of all those little annoying habits and they'd never get old


He was just a little rough around the edges, and not a complete classless jerk


The disappointments would end once we were able to be together all the time


He could be trusted (This was the biggest joke/lie of all)


Wow - I could go on and on. It hurts me to think of all the times I lied to my BF when he'd ask me what was wrong, why I was upset, how was work and if I loved him for life.


It's painful to consider the lies to my kids - even the small ones (if there is such a thing) - like when they'd ask who I was talking to on the phone for so long or when I told them I was going to the mall and no they couldn't come with me.


Like the others here, I too couldn't even be truthful with the xAP. It was all about what

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:20pm

Hi mia,


You said you told xAP there was a shot you'd leave your BF for him. When I read that it made me realize I told xAP I might do the same. Deep, deep down I knew I wouldn't, but I lied to myself that I could consider it. xAP pushed me to admit I'd leave my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:48pm

"Even my friends have told me they

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:53pm

Well the lies I beleived are probably the same as everyone here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 6:15am

LOL yelling names from a mountain top?

Like "BANDK ... K ... K... k!!!!!!!!!! "
That was so funny
:-) :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 9:04am

Unfortunately I lied more to my husband during the affair with xAP than I did to xAP - where I was going, what I was doing, with whom, etc.

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