What a man....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
What a man....
5
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 11:45am

My AP has obviously told me alot about her H's shortcomings but, mostly that he had an affair early in their marriage.


They were away on holiday recently and i drew up a list of his qualities that i have been able to glean from her talking about her home life:


1) He undoubtedly loves his own young children more than any man on earth


2) He works hard and long hours to provide for the family


3) He likes a drink to unwind but is not an addict or alcoholic


4) He loses his temper but will most times say sorry


5) He has had his own difficult times to deal with as a youngster.


Does anyone or has anyone tried to do this as a way of thinking about the victims of the A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 12:00pm

Hi Rob,

Wow - you're processing things quickly and I can see you're trying really hard.

There is a board in Ivillage for All sides of the affairs, where I believe such discussions take place. I believe the focus here is on our own experience and not to encourage discussion on the multiple perspectives (I think so? - Iddy).

However, I will say, that my xAP had/has an incredible wife, with shortcomings like all of us - actually she didn't choose to solve her marriage problems with an affair, so she has something going for her that I didn't. She is a fantastic mother & partner; I know because I was around them a lot. She regularly expressed concerns for her partnership, and from what I saw, was willing to do anything to work on her marriage. When I think about the pain I caused her, mine really does pale in comparison. I lost the fantasy, her real life was destroyed. I had a choice to engage in the affair, she didn't ask for me to squeeze into their lives. When I even think about breaking NC, I think of her & their children. Yes - he was the one who took the vows to her, but I was a co-conspirator with him in the worst thing that ever happened to her. As one human to another I feel I owed her more ... this has been the hardest thing to move past, and the one hurt I will carry with me for a very long time.

So - I don't know if these discussions should happen here or not, but I know for me, helping to acknowledge her human-ness & humanity, helps me in my dark times keep my commitment to NC, when I lose the resolve to believe that I alone am worth moving it.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 12:17pm

Sorry, i should check the posting rules....I am so excited to find this site that i just have so many questions to ask. It has been all built up inside me and a coupleof weeks ago i thought i was having a break down.


Thank you for being so open about your experience, it really does help to hear such things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 12:34pm

RP,


I don't mean to laugh at your post, but from being around the block a few times after being M twice and having 2 live-in boyfriends, you just described 50% of the American male population. ;-)


Also, you have to take everything your AP told you about her H and M with a grain of salt. AP's tend to down play the good qualities, and up play the bad qualities or they wouldn't get your attention,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 12:38pm

Thanks- you have a great way of bringing in reality to the situation.


By the way, by victim i menat her husband, my wife, not me and the AP. We are not victims, i know that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 1:00pm
Point taken. I read it wrong. ;-)

   ~Iddy~