What is MOST important ??? Please Read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
What is MOST important ??? Please Read
6
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 10:46am
Hi, I have never been more confused in my life and I am here to ask you all what you feel is most important. I have been married for 17 yrs with three adopted children one that is autistic ( very tough ) Now that I know different I dont think I was ever really attracted to my husband. I married at 20 and had no idea the love I felt was not what I really wanted. My husband and I grew apart and the kids "filled" that place in my heart. Hubby was emotionally abusive ( mildly ) I am sensitive he is not. Sex became non exhistant, or dredded when it happened. I accepted until I met someone incredible. Hubby and I are " separated " not divorced due to health ins coverage. After 8 months of having an affair I ended it with hubby, my AP also left his wife, he says he wants me forever and is so in love with me . He is very sensitive and loving, has never snapped or been rude to me ever in the 1 1/2 yr I have dated him. He said now he knew what he wanted in life he could not live a lie. He left right away I took those 8 monts to get the guts to do it. My AP who I know call my boyfriend, is wonderful, he treats me like a woman, stares into my eyes, makes me feel beautiful. He is everything I want "except" the security I had with my old life. He doesnt make alot of money, he has three kids so do I and when we all get together its stressful with my autistic daughter she gets overly stimulated. Six kids omg... but
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 11:12am

Dear Liv,

Please reflect on your own words for a moment:

" He doesnt make alot of money, he has three kids so do I and when we all get together its stressful with my autistic daughter she gets overly stimulated. Six kids omg...

... having money, seeing my kids happy, knowing I can stay here in my house

My teenage son is still devistated with the loss of his dad

I live next door to my aging parents, I own my house and my kids are no not adaptable as his are :( I feel obigated to my parents as an only child to take care of them when they get so that they cannot.

OR having a huge inconvient mess now know exhists.

Its been over a year of loving this man, but my kids are hurting ,

I am exhausted with my special needs child doing it alone.

... it sickens me what I have done to my life

...I know he would if I wanted him :(

I miss him like my brother and I do love him just no attraction.

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT :(

***

You know the answer to this question - it is all here in your own words. You need to find the courage and strength to do what is right for you and your kids for the long-term. This man is not the solution - it just feels this way because escaping the reality of your life right now is so tempting.

You must be an amazingly strong woman to be getting through life right now. Please don't make it harder on you and kids. You deserve to be happy, but this isn't the right move, IMHO. It just isn't. It will destroy you and your kids, and your family if you uproot them to move 2 hours away. He isn't willing to do that - why are you???

Please end the A and join us here. We will assist you.

(((HUGS)))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

Edit for clarification: I TOTALLY agree with Healing in that you should not be going back to H for the sake of his or the children's happiness - I think you absolutely need to let the fog clear from the A before you make ANY decisions about your M. I think staying connected with your own community, family and friends, and the (ex)H is in your best interests. But truly, it is just my opinion. How are you going to get assistance from your (x)H with co-parenting 2 hours away?




Edited 5/24/2010 12:04 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 11:59am

Hi LLL


MOST important is YOU and your children. I am not sure this is a situation that warrants the same answer as what we normally see posted here. Just from reading "this" particular post, I am inclined to say that I don't feel choosing either at this point is the BEST choice. However, going back to your H because you want the children to be happy and have security I think is NOT the reason to go back. Your children will NOT be happy with parents who have the relationship you describe (which will IMO be worse if he comes back after learning of the A). Children will not be happy in a house filled with stress (especially a child with Autism) and even though they are devastated because of the loss of their parents as a "unit", they will be far more bitter and angry living in a house of pain, anger and unhappiness. No one can really answer that question except for you, but I will be curious what other posters say about this. I know that I have a friend who had an A 15 years ago with a MM. He left his wife and they have been together ever since, got married, have 2 children and have a wonderful life together. THAT is RARE!!! probably will be slammed foreven posting that...sry! I Don't believe that happens often and I know that almost every single case on this board are not similar to that at all.


Hugs to you and good luck, you sound like a strong woman, I am sure you will do what is BEST for you and your children!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 12:10pm

Livlafluv,
YOU and your children are most important.
You don't seem to want to end your affair, though. Ending your marriage and making the transition safe and healthy for you and your children is going to be difficult and require ALL of your attention. Now is NOT the time to be focusing on romantic BS with AP. Now is not the time be vexing about whether or not this dude is THE dude. Don't you think you have already too much on your plate without going back to the craptastic-buffet for another helping?

I hope that you will read all that you can here about the ramifications of an affair and make the wisest choice possible - end your A. This is an Ending Board so the advice you get here is not EVER going to be pro-get with AP. When you're ready to move on in a positive way towards your future, come back and let us know how you're doing and get the support you need.

Good luck to you.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 5:10pm

Long time lurker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 5:37pm
Thank you for your post, I guess what hurts the most is that if I could speed up the time and my kids were grown the man I met would be " perfect "... I know this is the ending the affair message board but its the hardest thing I have ever given thought to :( I have a hard time to end it to go back to something I am not attracted to at all. I wished I had never known of what was out there . What you dont know wont hurt you. That is so true, it has made it even harder to ever see my husband the way I see my ap. I have never even seen my husband the way
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 7:35pm

Dear Liv,

You are clearly stuck. This is an endings board. You have received thoughts and comments from some of the brightest on this board - and the message has been the same. End the A. Save yourself and your children a HEAP of misery and anguish that you have yet to seriously contemplate.

"I guess what hurts the most is that if I could speed up the time and my kids were grown the man I met would be " perfect "

There are no perfect people. You are imagining a person that doesn't exist - idolizing someone who you are constructing as some knight in shining armor who is going to rescue you from your real life. Reality Check: The only one who can rescue you AND your children is you. Are you going to be your own hero?

"I know this is the ending the affair message board but its the hardest thing I have ever given thought to :( "

We all KNOW how hard it is - it is brutally hard. You won't have to go at it alone. Simply extend your hand to us and will will be here to help guide the way. The only catch is you gotta have the courage to make the decision to end it. Until then, you'll continue on this never ending, crazing making, roller-coaster ride you call a 'relationship' ... and you're taking your kids along on it.

"I have a hard time to end it to go back to something I am not attracted to at all."

Then don't go back. No one here is saying that you have to choose between AP and H. In fact we are saying CHOOSE you and leave them both.

"I wished I had never known of what was out there . What you dont know wont hurt you. That is so true, it has made it even harder to ever see my husband the way I see my ap. I have never even seen my husband the way I see him :("

You have no idea WHO your AP is ... if you have read this board, you'll see many people commenting on the tactics they used to make H seem like the bad guy and the AP seem like the good guy in order to justify their behavior. You AP is encouraging and enabling you to be behaving badly and destructively. This is not healthy Love.

"I realize that I married for the wrong reason and to end my affair and stay will be something of convienence and something I do for my children . I would have a goal to leave my husband when they are grown but would I ever find what I have now ?"

Liv, you ain't got no prize. You may have married for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't mean you have to stay for the wrong reasons. If you are miserable in your M, then leave. But you have to end the A too. Leaving H for AP isn't the answer. You have to be strong enough to be alone, to learn to love yourself and then decide what it in your (and your children's) best interest. Stop framing this as a decision between your husband and your AP.

"Its so hard, I will never forgive myself for the lies and sneaking that led me to this point".

Yes you will forgive yourself, but that takes work & courage. How will you forgive yourself by making things worse? I think many of us felt that if we just ended up with our APs then we were justified in acting so poorly. Then it was all for something ... all the pain and devastation would have been worth it. You know what, it wouldn't be. The only way to forgive yourself is to stop the destructive behavior now, and to start on the path to personal growth and healing. You have to figure out how you allowed yourself to get into this mess and how you will ensure you never do so again.

"I almost want to come clean and tell my husband what I have done even though we have been separated. I almost want him to make the judgement. I know in his mind it would be unforgivable and he would move on but he would punish me with money and child support, being self employed he has chosen to give me more than the taxes say. He would be very unreasonable and I have a special needs child who holds me back from working. She has therapy daily and I am very tied down with her help."

Please take some time to think about the things you are saying and the chances you are taking with your life. I know the fog of the A is thick, I know you think you have met "the one", but I think you are feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and scared out of your mind. You aren't thinking clearly. You need to READ READ READ all you can here.

"Boy have I got myself in a mess :( I just want the pain and guilt to stop."

It will when you make the choice to end your A. When you end the A, it will hurt like you wouldn't believe, especially because you seem unsure, but that pain passes and it is replaced with dignity, insight, hope, courage, and the goodness that comes from knowing that you were capable of acting in your own best interest when you didn't think you had the strength to do so.

"If I did what made me happy and not what my gut tells me I would hurt those around me even worse :("

You would devastate those around you - including yourself. You see, the chances of this working out like the fantasy you have constructed in your head, is like NIL ... are you really willing to risk your family for that gamble?

I really hope that you stick around - that you end your A and start making choices that are about you and your children.

((Hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.

— Maya Angelou




Edited 5/24/2010 8:29 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou