what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
what now?
8
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 8:59am

I'm going to write "June 28" in my pile of stuff so I can remember my first day of NC, but I don't want to keep track anymore right now. I've been counting for so long - this many days until Friday when I can see him, this many hours until he can come over, etc. Even when I was reading EAS and before I finally started posting here - all my own attempts of NC over the years. Just keeping track of everything in general - I'm tired of it! Keeping track of what my kids are going, keeping track of my clients, keeping track of 25 projects and their different stages, and keeping track of what XAP is thinking, doing, etc.

So, having said that, with my type A personality and my need to control things....what now? I miss XAP a lot. I know the signs because I've been here so many times - the edge is wearing off now - and you start to fool yourself and you only remember the few "good" things about the other person. But, I have my arsenal of reading and I've kept all my writings over the past two weeks to remind myself of who he really is. So far it's working. I don't have any desire to contact him and I breathed a sigh of relief this morning when I turned my phone on and had no messages.

I guess the first thing I have to work on it the "hold" he has on me. I still feel like if I look at another man that I'm doing something wrong. I wonder how long it will take before I actually feel free from all of this.

Thanks - I hope everyone has a great holiday.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 9:22am

Good morning, Bodhi,


<>


It's going to take a while, my friend, so we always suggest to take it one day at a time. Soon they will add up and you will know this by how you are feeling and acting toward others. There will be a shift in your behavior, although a very subtle one. You have to remember that 7 years of thinking one way will have to be overhauled and reconstructed. This does not happen any too soon. I found that reading anything and everything I could get my hands on re. affairs was of great help. I have my own A shelf of books in my library. For the 1st two years I always had a book close at hand and would spend many a summer weekend sitting outside and absorbing all of the information that was available. Today there are even more books on the market. One I would suggest reading is, "Eat, Live, Pray" if you haven't read it already. The movie is about to come out and Julia Roberts will be perfect for the part.


Trust me, you won't have to keep track of your ending date. It will be forever engrained in your mind. Even after a few years had

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 9:58am

Thanks Iddy - you're right, I can't expect it to be turned off like a faucet. And I am realizing more and more that it has been somewhat of an abusive relationship. I loved the book Eat, Pray Love - it was very empowering - I'll get it off the shelf and read it again, great suggestion.

I have to take it one day at a time, I know. Never really thought about a Plan B!

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 1:00pm

What now? What a good question. Now you focus on you and do as Iddy said- take one day at a time. That works well. YOu set smaller goals for yourself. In the early days of NC, I used to set hourly goals for myself. I will not think about him until Lunch and then only for 5 minutes and then move on. It's about retraining yourself. And now the hard work comes on yourself. You have to get to the root of the problem- really figure out why you had the A in the first place so you can overcome that in yourself and abolish it so you can safeguard yourself from ever having an A again. YOu can do it. Just take one day at a time- keep reading and posting here.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 1:21pm

Hi Bodhi,


I've been away from the Board for a while...just haven't had enough time without anyone around! But, I checked in this morning, saw your post, and wanted to give you a little encouragement.


I'm NC for 8 months today (like Iddy said, that date becomes engrained in your brain because I don't consciously keep track anymore). My A lasted 5 years and for the first few months, I really, really thought I would never, ever recover.


I have good news though...I AM recovering! I feel better than I thought I EVER could again and it's only been 8 months. I say ONLY 8 months because looking back, it isn't very long compared to the 5 year A...going through the 8 months didn't seem like it went that fast though, so be patient! You will get there! Nobody was more hooked on somebody than I was on him and it took me a while to stop missing the "good" parts...but after

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 9:34am

Jane -

<<<>>

You're right. I've done a lot of thinking about that. I really identified with the post Knock it Off (29021.1) I wish I would have done things differently - as I'm sure we all do. My marriage was always lacking something. My ex is a wonderful man with a lot of great qualities. But lacked some personality traits that I need most. I wish I would have identified that. I have learned a great deal about myself and what I want in a relationship through this whole ordeal. In the 6 years I've been divorced, I've never felt like I wanted to get back together with my ex, which tells me that leaving was the right thing. He's remarried and seems to be very happy and I'm happy for him.

My XAP had traits I wanted - communication being the big one. I don't want to go into all of the other traits he has, I'm getting sad thinking about it. And there are a LOT of bad things about his personality.

I know that I will never, ever have another A. I know what I want and expect in a relationship now. I'm single. I just have to work on letting go of the thought that it was supposed to be with XAP. AND rebuild the self esteem that is almost completely gone because of the toxic waste dump I've been living in.

Bodhi

PS - I love your blog :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 9:45am

UTBN -

Thank you so much for the encouragement. It sounds like we have a similar story.

<<<>>

This hit me. I've always been strong because I've had to be. I've always taken care of things, gotten things done. I picture myself as Cher looking in the mirror and saying "Snap out of it!" I want things to get better now. Actually, as I re-read that last sentence, I just reminded myself that things ARE better now. My life is nowhere near where I want it to be, but it's not where it was a week ago.

Thanks again :)

Bodhi

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 8:37am

It's been a little over two weeks since you were so PO'ed that you were angry enough to pull the plug on a dead end roller-coaster.


I thought when you first posted that you were going to last a week at best.


You have grown. You have gained strength. You have a spine that is a lot straighter than I ever thought it would be. I love it when I was wrong. (Yes, thats true, I can admit mistakes)


Pump up, its not over yet. You have many little mind twists that are going to make you think that maybe you made a mistake, BUT............you didn't. Second guessing yourself is a common problem.


You will find a way to deal with it.


Finding the real you is the next challenge.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 2:16pm

Thanks so much Rather.

I made it through the weekend - and with no more "drive bys" (that I noticed at least) I'm a little worried about tomorrow - he'll be back at work. I simply can NOT let myself fall back into the old pattern.

<<>>

That's for sure - and I miss the real me :)

Bodhi