What Should I Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
What Should I Do?
4
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:39pm
I need advice, and I need it from those of you who read these boards.

Here's my problem. My husband and I are separated, after years and years of him being involved in numerous affairs.

Don't stop reading! There will be no preaching from me, I can assure you.

Here's the deal. For well over a year, he was involved with a woman --- who I hated but who is I'm sure a decent person --- and he made her believe she was the love of his life and that he would divorce me for her. NOW, we're separated --- she believes he left me for her, but the truth is that I said no more, and he's now involved with a NEW PERSON. His old affair sits at home, patiently waiting and buying his lines that he needs more time to settle everything down....I see her "online" patiently waiting for him to sign on and I know he's with the new one!

Here's the problem: Although I used to despise her, I now feel terrible for her. I keep wondering what other opportunities in life she's passing up waiting for him to come to her. And I've talked to him about it, and he says he's just waiting for the right time to dump her. And I now understand how unbelievably toxic he is --- getting dumped by him will be the best thing that ever happened to her, but she won't know it because he won't let on that he has moved on to some other poor dupe. He'll spin out some yarn about how it's best, etc., etc. He may even blame it all on me.

So what should I do? Should I send her an email and let her know? Should I wait till he dumps her and then send her an email saying I'd be happy to talk to her if it would help?

Strange as it sounds, I want her to know that she got worked over by a real master....and that it's not completely her fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 11:13pm
Well, I will take your word for it that you have only her best interest at heart, and while it shows alot of compassion on your part to be concerned for her, IMHO you need to focus on yourself and moving on with your life. First, who knows what your h has told her about YOU. She may believe that you are the most evil woman on the planet and that you are only trying to get your h back by tricking her away. You may have a very unpleasant response from her and then all your resentment towards her will come flooding back to you. I think your forgiveness and compassion are healing to you and you should do what you can to maintain that. Second, she'll find out soon enough. It is not your responsibility. Just be glad that you know who your h is now. You can heal your life and find someone who is worthy of your love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 9:48pm
HI

"IF" you choose to contact this woman you had better make sure that you can present real unshakeable EVIDENCE of all that your saying or she is only going to think that your out to get even or get your husband back.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 6:01pm
Wow, what a kind-hearted person you are. Your intentions are noble, but I'm afraid they would be wasted on her. She may think you are lying and saying he's got a new woman just to make her upset. She needs to find out on her own, and you don't need to endure any old bad feelings that might come back from all this. I hope she is as smart as you are and decides that she's had enough. Thanks for sharing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:20pm
Thanks for your thoughts. For what it's worth, I have proof in the form of emails between my H and his "new" OW (one of them at least), and he's convincing the new OW that she's the love of his life, just like he convinced the "old" OW -- and several more before that --- (take heed all of you out there: there is no such thing as only ONE lie or ONE infideity or, as my therapist says, what I do FOR you I will ultimately do TO you) -- so if I chose to do so, believe me, I could convince her that she is foolishly throwing away months and months of her life pining for a guy who is nothing like she thinks he is.

BUT you've convinced me that I really shouldn't do anything -- although that's hard because he's a master, really, and it's very, very unfair to her. At least I knew what I was doing and what I was "getting" when I chose to stay with him --- and I had issues like my children, family and our careers to consider. She has nothing but this fantasy love for a person who doesn't exist!

Oh well. I guess that's part of the deal that the OW gets: she just can't know where the real lie is. It just doesn't seem fair that the women always get screwed!!!