I'm someone whose husband has known about my participation on the boards here since our d-day. I had been an active poster before that, and part of my d-day was the discovery of the boards, and the relationships with posters that I had made. And, part of our rebuilding process was me giving him access to the boards and not hiding them (or editing old posts) - so for me, that meant that I gave him access to the two or three years' worth of posts that I had written while I was still *in* my affair. He read them all, I left them all as written, and ultimately, it was one of the best decisions I'd ever made.
We had some ground rules, vague and kind of subject to change. My posts were not to be used as weapons against me. He had to try to keep in mind that what he was reading were my thoughts, my feelings - and that allowing him access to those was difficult for me. I was giving him my trust, and hoped that he would be able to treat that respectfully. (And, he did.)
In the very immediate wake of d-day, I stopped posting for a little bit. But, the boards had been such a help to me for a long period time - and staying away from them didn't seem as though it was helping me. So, again, we had some ground rules - and I resumed posting again with a new user name.
Eventually, he got a user name of his own, and began posting as well. :)
For us - full disclosure of the boards and the ability to read each other's posts was a crucial part of our recovery process. There were times (a lot of them) where face to face communication was...difficult on certain topics. I've always found it easier to write out my thoughts - so there were many times when we hit some roadblock, a wall that I just couldn't seem to break through in person - but was able to write about, and communicate my thoughts or feelings that way. He got to have access to that process - to the things that I sometimes had in my head that I just couldn't seem to put into words or get out any other way. And that helped us both, a lot.
Again though - there were some conditions to all of that. The boards were my safe place - one that I didn't want to lose, and one that I needed him to be able to respect. It was a little bit of a balancing act, at times - my need vs. his need - but I believe that it was completely worth working out.
I really do understand the need for a safe place, where you can share what you need to without fear, and that it is a very scary thing to think about him reading what you share. I understand the worry that maybe it will curtail your posting in some way - either you won't share how you really feel (for fear of hurting him when he reads it), or you'll gloss over things or paint a different picture. I think it's important that we have one such safe place, whether it's a board, or a therapist, or a trusted friend - where we can tell the whole truth and be totally honest about our experience and about our feelings.
But, at the same time - we all know how devastating secrets can be. How much harm they can cause - even the innocent ones. If you hide the board, you'll probably be successful for some period of time. But then, you'll make some friends on the board and develop an email relationship with some of those friends, and pretty soon - you'll be sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone that your husband knows *nothing* about, hiding an entire portion of your life, keeping a small secret that turns into a bigger and bigger one...
Sounds familiar, no?
It's something that you'll need to talk to him about, I think. Maybe you could be vague to start with - to get a sense about how he feels about it. For some people, the whole concept of sharing your thoughts and feelings on a message board is just WEIRD. lol But, it's worth trying to work out, I believe.
And far preferable to the alternative...hiding, and lying, and...
Thanks Vanessa, that's what I've done so far. I guess my concern is more about my ability to openly and honestly contribute while he's monitoring every website I visit and wanting to know exactly who I'm writing to and why (behaviours which are totally understandable in light of what we've been through, but not necessarily helpful at a time when I feel as though I need some space to understand where I went wrong
My hubby knows I post too and he knows what my moniker is. However, my situation is very different from yours or from Kim’s. I came to the boards after I was already out of my A and we both had time to heal ourselves and our M. We were on more stable ground by the time I became a regular poster on the boards. So neither of us where in the delicate sensitive state immediately following D-day.
To back up a bit: After D-day and when I was in IC. My T was adamant about me having a “safe” place to express my thoughts and feelings. She believed it to be a large part of the healing process for me. It was to be a private place that was all my own where my thoughts/feelings would not be judge.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
If he knew you were spending your time on a support forum, I would think he would be supportive of that. You can look upon it as free therapy. I would think that would be a very big plus to someone. Its easier than leaving the house to go to a group support session. It seems to really help everyone here with staying on the straight and narrrow. The aacountability everyone here has to one another is another big plus, no one wants to let the others down. It is when addicts are left to their own devices that they can start to get back into trouble. So in light of all that, as I said, why would he not want to to receive the help you get here.
I have much experience in this arena. I came to the boards right after I ended my A and I also started a blog. I kept both from my husband even though he knew about the A. They were my safe space to share my feelings. 9 months out of my A, I discovered that my H knew about this board and my blog all along and had been reading them. The hurt this caused on both ends was
Katniss- Thanks for reading my blog. One caveat: I had 9 months of a "safe space" to explore my feelings and it was devastating to have that taken away in the way that it was. So while yes, it is important to rebuild trust, it is equally important to have a safe space to share your feelings and that is okay. You should not feel bad about that. So, if this space can't be that space because it puts more distance between you and your H, make sure you find another place, even a private journal, where you can express your feelings and work through them. That is a very important factor in this healing process.
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You can always tell him that you are interested in a site that focuses on improving long term relationships.
V888
I'm someone whose husband has known about my participation on the boards here since our d-day. I had been an active poster before that, and part of my d-day was the discovery of the boards, and the relationships with posters that I had made. And, part of our rebuilding process was me giving him access to the boards and not hiding them (or editing old posts) - so for me, that meant that I gave him access to the two or three years' worth of posts that I had written while I was still *in* my affair. He read them all, I left them all as written, and ultimately, it was one of the best decisions I'd ever made.
We had some ground rules, vague and kind of subject to change. My posts were not to be used as weapons against me. He had to try to keep in mind that what he was reading were my thoughts, my feelings - and that allowing him access to those was difficult for me. I was giving him my trust, and hoped that he would be able to treat that respectfully. (And, he did.)
In the very immediate wake of d-day, I stopped posting for a little bit. But, the boards had been such a help to me for a long period time - and staying away from them didn't seem as though it was helping me. So, again, we had some ground rules - and I resumed posting again with a new user name.
Eventually, he got a user name of his own, and began posting as well. :)
For us - full disclosure of the boards and the ability to read each other's posts was a crucial part of our recovery process. There were times (a lot of them) where face to face communication was...difficult on certain topics. I've always found it easier to write out my thoughts - so there were many times when we hit some roadblock, a wall that I just couldn't seem to break through in person - but was able to write about, and communicate my thoughts or feelings that way. He got to have access to that process - to the things that I sometimes had in my head that I just couldn't seem to put into words or get out any other way. And that helped us both, a lot.
Again though - there were some conditions to all of that. The boards were my safe place - one that I didn't want to lose, and one that I needed him to be able to respect. It was a little bit of a balancing act, at times - my need vs. his need - but I believe that it was completely worth working out.
I really do understand the need for a safe place, where you can share what you need to without fear, and that it is a very scary thing to think about him reading what you share. I understand the worry that maybe it will curtail your posting in some way - either you won't share how you really feel (for fear of hurting him when he reads it), or you'll gloss over things or paint a different picture. I think it's important that we have one such safe place, whether it's a board, or a therapist, or a trusted friend - where we can tell the whole truth and be totally honest about our experience and about our feelings.
But, at the same time - we all know how devastating secrets can be. How much harm they can cause - even the innocent ones. If you hide the board, you'll probably be successful for some period of time. But then, you'll make some friends on the board and develop an email relationship with some of those friends, and pretty soon - you'll be sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone that your husband knows *nothing* about, hiding an entire portion of your life, keeping a small secret that turns into a bigger and bigger one...
Sounds familiar, no?
It's something that you'll need to talk to him about, I think. Maybe you could be vague to start with - to get a sense about how he feels about it. For some people, the whole concept of sharing your thoughts and feelings on a message board is just WEIRD. lol But, it's worth trying to work out, I believe.
And far preferable to the alternative...hiding, and lying, and...
Hugs,
Kim
Thanks Vanessa, that's what I've done so far. I guess my concern is more about my ability to openly and honestly contribute while he's monitoring every website I visit and wanting to know exactly who I'm writing to and why (behaviours which are totally understandable in light of what we've been through, but not necessarily helpful at a time when I feel as though I need some space to understand where I went wrong
Kim, thank you for your wonderful response.
Hi K,
My hubby knows I post too and he knows what my moniker is. However, my situation is very different from yours or from Kim’s. I came to the boards after I was already out of my A and we both had time to heal ourselves and our M. We were on more stable ground by the time I became a regular poster on the boards. So neither of us where in the delicate sensitive state immediately following D-day.
To back up a bit: After D-day and when I was in IC. My T was adamant about me having a “safe” place to express my thoughts and feelings. She believed it to be a large part of the healing process for me. It was to be a private place that was all my own where my thoughts/feelings would not be judge.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
katniss, before posting a response, I have a question : does your husband know of the A?
If he knew you were spending your time on a support forum, I would think he would be supportive of that. You can look upon it as free therapy. I would think that would be a very big plus to someone. Its easier than leaving the house to go to a group support session. It seems to really help everyone here with staying on the straight and narrrow. The aacountability everyone here has to one another is another big plus, no one wants to let the others down. It is when addicts are left to their own devices that they can start to get back into trouble. So in light of all that, as I said, why would he not want to to receive the help you get here.
I have much experience in this arena. I came to the boards right after I ended my A and I also started a blog. I kept both from my husband even though he knew about the A. They were my safe space to share my feelings. 9 months out of my A, I discovered that my H knew about this board and my blog all along and had been reading them. The hurt this caused on both ends was
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane -
Katniss- Thanks for reading my blog. One caveat: I had 9 months of a "safe space" to explore my feelings and it was devastating to have that taken away in the way that it was. So while yes, it is important to rebuild trust, it is equally important to have a safe space to share your feelings and that is okay. You should not feel bad about that. So, if this space can't be that space because it puts more distance between you and your H, make sure you find another place, even a private journal, where you can express your feelings and work through them. That is a very important factor in this healing process.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Pages