What silence says

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
What silence says
20
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 7:34am

I have wrestled and struggled with my emotions for the past two days, since xAP fished and I got over the angry part. I desperately wanted to respond--to see how he is doing, to offer some comfort, to have my ego stroked. I had to employ the 48 hour rule. I promised myself that much, because there were moments when I really thought I was going to cave.

I have decided to remain silent because this is what silence says:

  • It is over.
  • I have taken my power back.
  • I am no longer
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 5:29pm
What a wonderful thread! Thank you for starting this.

So much of what has already been said resonates with me, but I will add one more.

Silence means respect for his wife and children. He may say that he is OK with the possibility of an A ending his M and breaking his family apart but I am not OK with it. If that is the path he chooses to go down, he can do it without me. If given the choice, what would his wife want me to say to her H? Nothing. Nothing at all. I cannot undo the harm I have caused her already, but I can offer my silence as a token of my respect for her and her love for her family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 6:37pm

Always - you are turning into a bloody legend. im loving your posts!!!

This is a great topic for me. I heard the exAP is overseas for a few weeks and I have a wierd feeling that i will hear from him somehow when he gets back. That was his standard behaviour. Away for a while, no loving when he returned, turned to me for that 'loving'. I used to think he was glad to be home to see me- thats what he always said- now I see it had nothing to do with me at all.

So, I used silence previously to protect myself, NC = No New Hurts and I truly believe this. NC also stopped me falling into old habits.

But I am seeing NC as s much more. Always- your list really sang to me- and mine is similar.

Silence to me means:

* I am no longer anyone's plaything

* I am over the drama

* I take back control and power

* I have dignity and will not lower myself anymore

* I only speak with those who truly deserve me

Of course I also sneakily love the saying 'Nothing says FU like silence' :)))))

Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 7:07pm
You wise and wonderful woman this thread is awesome.

I pretty much resonate with what everyone has said here, but the most significant one for me is silence is having my power back.

V888
xxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 8:11pm
Y'all are giving me way too much credit. I am barely hanging on by my fingernails. I have been on the verge of tears all day. It is still very difficult for me. I take back every wish that he would try to contact me. I am so mad at myself for feeling this way. So mad that he has invaded my thoughts again. So disappointed that I am still this vulnerable. But I KNOW this will pass just like it did in the beginning. MFer.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:03pm
You really should not be upset at yourself. This is work. I am well over a year out. 17 months. I still struggle. Never about him anymore. Its me forcing me to forgive and really let go of the huge mess that transpired. The gapping hole that I put in my chest and my constant struggle to fill it with me and me only. Not relying on anyone.
You feel a setback because first, that talk with the friend. That's just outright dangerous. U came so close, all that news hit ya heard, that was conversation you should not have. Then, the fishing attempts. Those that some newbies think they want to get, so they can tell themselves, he really did care for me....the call I used to wait for, the text, something so that I knew I mattered. I used to think that would show me he cared. HA! That's a horribly selfish act.

So my luv, when you combine those two things, there is bound to be pain and hurt. Your emotions roll all around. I am over a year out and he still crosses my mind almost daily. BUt its about me and not him. My struggles. And he leaves my mind within moments and how I react, I pat myself on the back.

Even though you been here a while, you are still pretty fresh out. Be patient with yourself. This A crap does such a mind job. It takes a major long term make internal makeover to get this stuff the hell out of us. Its a toxic sweet and tasty cocktail that we drank so long...we have to purge those toxins and some of the damage is bound to linger. And then we are rebuilding we will often want to revert back to our old ways...they seem so easy compared to facing ourselves and fantasy's are always more alluring that RL. WE MUST CARRY ON! We must push thru, our beings and the lives of all we love are relying on it. We must inhale cleaner air. It may seem lifeless, but it is the only air we can breath, because even a whiff of A air, will intoxicate us....the slope is slippery.
BUCKLE DOWN. Man up....well women up! Your a lady with a clean aura. I am proud of you. You have stayed the course. Press on. WE told ya there was going to be days like this.

Do not let him get thru to you ever again, everything you have worked so hard for thus far is at stake. I know you are feeling a little shaky. And that is ok. Shake it off and let it propel you forward.

Much luv and besos
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 3:02am

Maintaining my silence to xap means

-

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 8:18am
My silence means ....

Forever more, my actions will do my talking.
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 2:38pm
Hi Always, You have been such an encouragement to me on my journey out of this toxic trap, so here is my encouragement to you. The healing is a painful experience, but what we will become on the other side of all of this pain is someone stronger and more beautiful. I am not sure if you are a religious person or not, but that is what has helped me fill my personal void. Knowing that there is a God who created me, loves me in spite of who I am and what I have done, and freely offers forgiveness. It is a joy to know that forgiveness. The struggle is forgiving ourselves for what we have allowed ourselves to do...not only to ourselves but to H and our family (I have four children, who do not know anything of the A, nor do H and I want them to know). My own personal T wants me to work on this "self-forgiveness" thing. That is what is going to be the hardest part of this whole process for me. I survived my D-Day (barely, but did), and the vengeful lashing of exAP was not helpful, but it certainly did not tempt me to go running back to exAP. Just made me want to hate him....but I cannot harbor that hatred because that would be self-destructive for me and it would just give him that power over my emotions. He has NO right to anything anymore. I will not give him that. My H has begun the journey of forgiving me, he never once stopped loving me, and now I have the difficult work of forgiving and loving myself. That is hard. But we are NOT quitters....we will NOT allow our exAP's to sneak back into our lives and all the work that WE have put into getting back to RL and out of FANTASY FOGLAND. If they would like to stay in that land of fogginess, that is their choice. WE are not going back there. SILENCE: to me means...CLEANSING and RENEWAL. Of my mind, my body and my SOUL. Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 1:58am

An excellent thread indeed. To me, being silent when xAP fishes is not about saying a "@#!^ you" to him. its about me. entirely. the irony is that having an A is the most selfish thing i have ever done, but it decimated my self esteem. so, as i reclaim it, silence serves 2 purposes

1:you do not have enough power over me to instigate confrontation or encourage reconnection. i make those decisions myself. iw ill not response to you simply bc i feel badly about NOT responding. i am taking control over my emotional state once again.

2. the greatest gift i give to BOTH of us is silence. you and i both deserve to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 10:17am

I love this thread!

Silence to me is discipline & strength.

It's the most powerful tool we have.

Pages