What is the substitute

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
What is the substitute
62
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 4:22pm

How do you give up the high from the fog. Yes it's all a lie, no one is as perfect as one sees their AP. In reality the AP is a cheater who should not deserve your respect and affection. And the suffering you are inflicting on innocent loved ones is intolerable and inexcusable. But physically and emotionally its very real when you are together. I need an xAP methadone. I guess it's just gotta hurt for a while. Everyone goes through the pain of loss, I shouldn't be any different.

Yes, stop because it's wrong, stop because it's horribly selfish. But how do you get to the point were NC feels good. Must you demonize the xAP? Just wait it out? Time heals all wounds.

How can one justify feeling pain and loss over an xAP, when you have a devoted spouse and great kids. It's just crazy, and an embarrassment to the love I have for my family. They don't deserve to have a parent/spouse pining over an xAP. The fog isn't completely gone yet.

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 4:38pm

Hi ddb and welcome to EAS,

Here is what will happen. Yeah, you'll miss the highs, but you will soon realize that the terrible lows are gone too - and man does that ever. feel. good. :) (after 3 years of lows I was so happy to see them go). Then, you'll learn to get a 'high' from other things in your life: reconnect with your H and children (if applicable), renewed concentration and focus on your career, other interests, projects and hobbies that capture your attention etc etc.

It may not be as addictive as the 'high' we get from an affair partner but you need to keep in mind how very destructive and dysfunctional that 'high' is - just like a drug addict when he takes a hit. Feels so great, but is oh-so-bad for him.

big hugs!! hang in there,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 4:39pm

You read here.... and read some more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:07pm

Just wanted to see how you were feeling today~


(((Hugs))))


L

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:30pm

DDB:


I'm with you...feeling the power of the addiction after 4 days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:58pm

I love your open and honest post here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 8:31pm

I agree with the person above who commented regarding not missing the lows. That is what is going to pull me through. It would be nice to say doing the right thing would be all the deterrent I need to breaking NC, but I've always craved excitement and chaos.

Aren't you eventually going to be ecstatic to just be off the roller coaster? I can't wait. And also, it seems everyone in an A has the best sex ever. It's not the AP, it's the aura of being bad. It's the aura of zero shared responsibility, just a wildly dangerous secret. I'm sure you or I could go find another attractive person, who we get a long with reasonably well,(no real strong requirement for compatabilty in an A) have an A and of course have the best sex ever. Again. And then find another similar person and guess what? Everyone has the best sex ever.

Unfortunately no matter how beautiful, sexy and nice my spouse is. And SHE is, (I'm a guy), nothing matches the high of sex with my xAP. My first and only AP. And I love her madly - although I'm told it's the fog. It probably is the fog. 11.5 years of marriage.

My A went on for nearly 3.5 years. And my nightmare is that she lives across the street. And her 3 kids play with my 2. Aside from our spouses near certainty that we have crossed the line, the proximity has made ending this nightmare very difficult.

I envy your 150 mile distance. We are 150 yards apart, and our bedroom windows face each other.

But the break-up, make up never ending cycle is killing both of us. I'm hoping that the substitute for the high is the peace I am now feeling. (And heart break)

Try to add up all the time you have felt bad in your A, and then compare it to the number of days and weeks and years you have been miserable. Yeah, as a guy I would agree that you presented your xAP with a great situation. But if you wanted more, the relationship was obviously no longer working for you.

Embrace the peace. Reject the chaos.

(Once I really get on board with that I will let you know) :(

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 8:48pm

I totally miss the IM too. My A was 15 months. Not one down day either. Every single day we had fun. Either saw eachother, or IM , text all day and email. So there is this HUGE void. Very lonely. I forgot what I did all day before that. Amazing how you can make time.

One thing that might be helpful is I created a second private email account. So when I feel like writing, I just send an email from one acct to the other. Nobody will read it and it is more secret than locking written letters in a drawer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 1:29am

ddb


its really helpful to hear from a guy...


i cannot imagine what you are going thru across the street and knowing each other's spouses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 1:42am

That's a great idea...just being able to type and "talk" and get it out will help.


I find that I am so verbal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 6:28am

Why did I never leave? I almost did on several occassions. Asking my wife for a divorce. And yes, my xAP very much wanted that. Her husband always tells her that whenever she goes out, he's afraid she isn't coming back. My xAP saw me as a way out as much as anything else. Fine.

But the bottom line is my W is a better person than either my xAP or me will ever be. And she has been fantastic through every up and down. And I have 2 great young kids. And she has 3 great kids. But my wife is also very dull (a CPA - ha - no offense)

Anyway, yes, sex with my xAP was infinitely more fun than I will ever experience again. Especially if I was dumb enough and leave my family for her. (smile) Then all the fun would come to a crashing halt. My highly suspicious wife blearted out about a month ago "If you had to live with xAP for a week you would kill her" We are very different, - I don't believe great "f*$#ing is enough to carry a relationship" don't get me wrong, we "saw" each other 3-5 times per week for years, we called each other best friends. Fog city.

Am I the bad guy to my xAP? No, she says she has nothing but respect for my honesty and decision. I always said I would leave her alone if she wanted to try to make her M work, or move on to a divorce. And I did several times. She is always the one to break nc. This time I am making it final. As I am typing this (cathartic for sure!) I am feeling so relaxed that I am no longer juggling an affair. My friend says the 2 of us fell too deeply in love to have an A.

I could go on and on about the dynamics of my A. Let's just say neither of us were angels. Let's also say I don't have any illusions that my A is unique. We were both bored and extremely attracted to each other.

Did your A continue after you confessed to your H? Gutsy. The journal idea seems very scary to me. Especially if you have a spouse who knows you may not be happy. Any how, I could go on and on. The only people who would call me a bad guy now are my DW and my xAP's DH. And myself.

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters

Pages